Advice - boyfriend vs. old friend

Jo_R_2

Hi all

Where do you draw the line when it comes to friendships 'interfering' with relationships?

I ask because I have a 'situation.' Have been with boyfriend for five months. Early in our relationship I had a friend come to stay who I hadn't seen for a long time. Nothing dodgy - in fact boyfriend was great, very cool about it, we all went out together and had a great time.

Following the visit, my friend told me he had very strong feelings for me. I said I liked him a lot but nothing could happen because I am with boyfriend and he is the one I want. Friend says he is disappointed but doesn't want to lose our friendship - me neither - so we continue to be friends.

Rightly or wrongly, I told boyfriend of my friend's feelings (thought and hindsight = great thing ) Since then he has been not so cool. He 'tolerates' our friendship but dislikes my friend texting, phoning and so on. I am off visiting my sister this weekend and my friend lives nearby, and boyfriend asked me if I was planning on meeting up with my friend, saying would I tell him? I said of course - I explained that I have no secrets, I can't see any benefit in being secretive, I told him I loved him very much and if it made him happy for me not to meet this friend (I had half thought about it but not arranged anything), then I wouldn't. He seemed happy with that.

In the past in previous relationships, if something like this were to come up, I would have been pig-headed and said, well I know you don't like it but I want to, so I'm going to :eek: Now, however, I'm a different person and it's important to me to be respectful of people's feelings, even if I don't like it or it means compromise. Of course I'd like to meet up with my friend, but I won't if it makes boyfriend unhappy.

But does this mean I should *not* be friends with my friend because boyfriend doesn't like it? Is it disrespectful of me to continue to be friends? We have been friends for ten years, we get on great, and in a couple of weeks he's coming up here for the weekend - he's meeting up with a mutual old friend (we all went to uni together) and they want to know if I'll come along - the weekend I mentioned was the last time we all met up and we said we'd need to do it again soon.)

I'm not sure what to do, as a sort of compromise I would suggest that boyfriend come along but I can't see him wanting to knowing how he feels about my friend, and I know he won't want me to. He'll say "do what you want to" which I have found out means "do that and you'll be in trouble" - methinks he's been taking tips from the laydeez, I've said that before to guys LOL

Tell me if I'm being a completely insensitive idiot here, I need an outside perspective. I have commented to boyfriend that if the situation were reversed then I more than likely wouldn't like him meeting such a girl... but it's just losing such a long-standing friendship makes me sad. What shall I do?

Chollita

Frankly I wouldn't take your friend's 'feelings' too seriously, since he has only told you this now that you are with someone. I would also say that you can be friends with whom you like, with a certain degree of sensitivity to your BF's feelings, of course. If you cannot reassure your boyfriend that you are committed to him, then he has a jealousy problem.

Alikay

I couldn't advise in this situation...everyone's different and who knows what actions will trigger which reactions from everyone else.

However, I do think that your friend was out of order to confess his feelings for you after meeting your BF - hardly the right time....could it have been inspired by his jealousy at seeing you happy with someone else? Your friendship has already been changed by that revelation -do you feel comfortable spending time alone with someone who obviously wants more than friendship and will risk spoiling your happiness with your current BF by enlightening you. What exactly did he expect/hope you'd do with that info? ....dump your BF and go out with him instead?

You have a right to be friends with whomever you choose, but I'd question why he needed to tell you of his feelings when you're with someone else.

belfastgirl23

I'd feel uncomfortable too in your BFs shoes. And from your email so would you. I suppose what I'm saying is I think his feelings are a perfectly valid reaction. In your shoes I think I'd be inclined to let things settle with your friend, maybe he'll meet someone else or whatever and you could do things as a foursome? I don't know if he can be that great a friend anyway if he landed this one on you when you were settled with someone else...

Jo_R_2

From what my friend has said, I think it was the seeing-each-other-after-not-seeing-each-other-for-ages part that reignited something for him. I half thought when we went to uni together that he had feelings but as he never said anything (he was in a long-term relationship and so was I) I brushed the thought aside and never thought about it until recently. Turns out I was right.

It's difficult because as I say we are good friends, he's helped me a lot in the past, in difficult times in my life, and I have to say he's been objective - he never just tells me what I want to hear but what I need to hear, good or not. I was almost 'cross' with him for telling me how he felt because I was worried it would ruin our friendship, but we've continued to be friends. Boyfriend doesn't like our closeness; I know this might make boyfriend come across as jealous, and I'd say he wasn't any more than the 'average' man, whatever that is. Most of my friends are guys and he has no problem with me having friends round, meeting up with them and going out, if he's not there, it's just this one guy.

Ahh what to do...

hobo28

I SO identify with your "friend". If he's anything like I used to be then he's not just got feelings for you but he's madly in love with you.

Thing is, whilst he's being "just good friends" he is torturing himself thinking that maybe, just MAYBE he has a slither of hope in the future.

If he doesn't and you aren't just keeping him dangling as a "backup" (which it doesn't sound like you are) then my suggestion is that you stop seeing him. This is not for you or your boyfriend but for him. Let the poor guy lick his wounds and move on.

Gale_10

I do think your current bf's feelings are normal.

I think your friend just thought, ok well I like her and one day we will be together. He has seen how happy you are with bf, and how it means he will be out of the picture, and he will lose you forever. Thats why he said something. Because he wants you. He probably thought he would have you one day, and one day he will tell you. He felt no urgency to tell you. Now you have forced his hand (not intentionally of course) and he has had to tell you.

I wonder why you and friend have not got together before? I wonder if he had said something when you were both single, what would you have said? Maybe you don't feel a spark? In which case you would be right to stick with bf.

But ten years is a long while to know someone, and be friends with them, have them know your innermost secrets...........I usually recommend that people marry their best friends. I did that, and I am very happy. Things aren't always perfect, but we can talk about anything. Also.....

I had a male friend who was interested in me, when I was going out with my (now) husband. One night, I took my friend round to a neighbours house and we had such a laugh, it was great. I wanted to be sure that I was making the right decision about my husband, and so I snogged friend. Now, that was not the kindest thing to do, admittedly. There was no spark between me and friend, I felt like an actress. But then I knew for sure that even though we were great mates, it wasn't right for us to be together.

At the end of the day, the decision is yours, but don't automatically dismiss your friend.

Gale

Jo_R_2

hobo28 wrote: »

I SO identify with your "friend". If he's anything like I used to be then he's not just got feelings for you but he's madly in love with you.

Thing is, whilst he's being "just good friends" he is torturing himself thinking that maybe, just MAYBE he has a slither of hope in the future.

If he doesn't and you aren't just keeping him dangling as a "backup" (which it doesn't sound like you are) then my suggestion is that you stop seeing him. This is not for you or your boyfriend but for him. Let the poor guy lick his wounds and move on.

Insightful, thanks hobo. Sorry to hear you've been in that situation - I have too from that side and it's lovely and torturous all at the same time. Sounds like it's in the past now though?

I love boyfy and I see a future with him, so I don't want to jeopardise that; at the same time I don't want to hurt my friend, though I guess I already have in telling him what I said.

Jo_R_2

Gale_10 wrote: »

I do think your current bf's feelings are normal.

I think your friend just thought, ok well I like her and one day we will be together. He has seen how happy you are with bf, and how it means he will be out of the picture, and he will lose you forever. Thats why he said something. Because he wants you. He probably thought he would have you one day, and one day he will tell you. He felt no urgency to tell you. Now you have forced his hand (not intentionally of course) and he has had to tell you.

I wonder why you and friend have not got together before? I wonder if he had said something when you were both single, what would you have said? Maybe you don't feel a spark? In which case you would be right to stick with bf.

But ten years is a long while to know someone, and be friends with them, have them know your innermost secrets...........I usually recommend that people marry their best friends. I did that, and I am very happy. Things aren't always perfect, but we can talk about anything. Also.....

I had a male friend who was interested in me, when I was going out with my (now) husband. One night, I took my friend round to a neighbours house and we had such a laugh, it was great. I wanted to be sure that I was making the right decision about my husband, and so I snogged friend. Now, that was not the kindest thing to do, admittedly. There was no spark between me and friend, I felt like an actress. But then I knew for sure that even though we were great mates, it wasn't right for us to be together.

At the end of the day, the decision is yours, but don't automatically dismiss your friend.

Gale

There was an occasion when at uni when we came back after a drunken night out, sat on my sofa laughing away, and I mentioned my then-boyfriend. Friend was like, who are you talking about? I realised I hadn't mentioned my current beau and I thought at the time he seemed a little taken aback. The whole time I knew him at uni when we saw each other nearly every day, I was in a long-term relationship, and he met his then long-term girlfriend so it was never on the cards, so to speak. He only fairly recently broke up with her - they were having a long distance relationship which was on and off, and he said he felt it unfair to carry on their relationship when he had feelings for me.

Do I feel a spark? Sometimes I have thought I have. I feel like he's the kind of guy I like having round because I know he genuinely cares for me, he's funny and outgoing, but also very loyal and sincere, he'll fly to the moon and back to make someone happy, to cheer them up, his friends who live closer to him think the world of him and I can see why.

Boyfriend worries that because we are so close, I'll decide one day when me and him have had an argument, that I prefer my friend because he's always there, and he's who I go to if I have worries or problems. Of course I confide in my boyfriend as well about things, but the reason I do go to my friend is because when I became a single parent, one of the things I did was to build up my support network of friends, and I am now closer than I have ever been to my good friends, one of whom is my friend.

The thing is, I love my boyfriend very much, I want my future with him, and I know for sure that I do feel that 'spark'; I feel it every time I'm with him, he makes me think about the world around me, he makes me feel and he makes me want to be a better person. Gooey isn't it?

Maybe I should just cool it for a while with my friend.

consultant31

Could you get together with your bf and organise a night out with the friend and another girl - one you feel may just hit it off with him?

This way, you could hopefully, maintain a relationship with your friend and your bf would not worry about it so much.

lynzpower

If I were in your shoes I would write a letter to "freind" and let BF read it. Explaining fully how you feel, and how BF feels. that you feel awkward. that BF is worried about the freind.

Then let BF watch as its posted.

I had a simillar situ with some guy Ive known for god 15 years ( :eek: am i that old) but never been v close, more matey/boozy and a couple of times weve snogged. I know mate wanted a bit more but TBH it was never gonna happen. I told mate that im now with OH and there is no way in hell Id jeopardise that. I also said that I didnt want and wouldnt tolerate advances, they are unwelcome and would make OH feel bad. If mate couldnt stop himself from saying/ lunging in for a crafty kiss etc then I wouldnt see him.

I havent seen him much I have to say, but I wouldnt rule it out.

the bottom line for me has always been to OH "I cannot legislate for other peoples behavour" As long as I know my behavoiur is flawless then thats all I can offer. I personally dont want to be put in the situ where Im blowing some guy out ( embarrassing). Oh says he truts me , but not mate. I reply "I CANNOT LEGISLATE FOR OTHERS BEHAVIOUR" in fact nothing has happened since in any case for OH to get worried about, if there were Id tell him and I wouldnt want to see mate either, if he is purposely making me uncomfortable or making OH worried.