I'm overreacting? Work colleague?

Gemmadilem34

Hi all,


Been with partner nearly 7 years, seem to be going through a bit of a bumpy patch and it is more me than him, am super stressed out at work (have a very crazy job with lots of big responsibilities) and feel I am burning out which is leading me to be irrational.


Other half is a social butterfly and is always on the go, he's out a lot (gigs, sports, hobbies) which is great and nothing has changed with this except...


In the place he's worked for a couple of years he's always been pretty hard nosed about socializing with work colleagues, he's got so many friends of his own he doesn't see the point - never goes to Christmas parties for example and doesn't like the idea of following his colleagues on his social media.


It seems pretty recent though that he's mentioned a woman at work who he says is now a 'mate' (as I said he's a chatty, bubbly guy who easily does make friends). Let's just say she is married but she's easy on the eye. He then added her to his social media (not usual of him to do this); they have been for lunches in a group a couple of times and recently he said they had jointly bought flowers for another woman at work whose mum was dying. Very nice of them I thought but did feel a little, err, weird about it.


They have all started going out on a Saturday because he said he did not want to go out after work on a Friday when it's 40+ miles away from where he lives. He did not end up going out on this Saturday because it did not fit right for me (I know that's really mean I just had a bad instinct about it) and he protested a lot about how important it was that he went - going out at the weekend with work colleagues when he's always been pretty up tight about this sort of stuff.


One week he had a training event and had to stay over, she was there, and when we went for dinner the day after he was rattling on about stuff she had been saying to him about why she has botox and hair and dresses how she does because she's not taken seriously at work and wants to boost her confidence - I thought this was a bit emotionally intimate - but again, I think I am going deranged.


Last Friday, rather last minute, he was invited to a work do with a hotel stay but the event was cancelled once he got there owing to bad weather, he text me to say it was cancelled and I just assumed he'd still stay out and go to the hotel so I get it deep down. He ended up going out with her and three other colleagues to cocktail bars for drinks etc.


The other day he was telling me how she had asked about eating arrangements at home as she has to make her husband dinner on the table by a specific time and she has to make his lunches for him in the morning.


Okay, so that's all, am I totally reading into this and overanalyzing? Am I deranged as people can have friends of the opposite sex it just so happens that she is good looking?


I thought his behavior recently had been a little different - trying to lose weight, a few new clothes for work etc.

Mojisola

Gemmadilem34 wrote: »

I thought his behavior recently had been a little different - trying to lose weight, a few new clothes for work etc.

These aren't good signs when added to the personal content of some of their conversations.

74jax

Why don't you go with him would be my obvious question. Or stay over in the hotel and have a pamper whilst he's out?

None of what you have said would bother me as I would probably just go too. But even if I didn't I wouldn't mind. My hubby often stays out on weekends due to his hobby and I'm not affected. But I'm 100% happy with it all. If I wasnt I'd be sitting hubby down and wanting reassurance.

poggs

Men are never (no doubt there are exceptions but..) "mates" in this manner with unattractive women.

Doesnt mean he's up to anything, but he definitely likes her.

Not all your fault, nor are you necessarily to blame, but he is missing something from his homelife that she is providing him.

You have to decide whether you care or not.

If you do, then you have to decide what if any action you want to take.

Do you want to banjo the dog and whip him back in line, or make changes to provide him what he is missing?

Or live with this and hope everything works out ok?

Sexist as it sounds.......

tacpot12

Poggs is right: he definitely likes her, but that doesn't mean he is upto anything with her other than being friends.

I think you should play it cool; tell him that you have noticed that he likes her, say that you don't mind him having female friends, but also say how hurt and disappointed you would be if their friendship become anything more than that. Then focus on improving your own work/life balance.

z1a

poggs wrote: »

Men are never (no doubt there are exceptions but..) "mates" in this manner with unattractive women.

Doesnt mean he's up to anything, but he definitely likes her.

Not all your fault, nor are you necessarily to blame, but he is missing something from his homelife that she is providing him.

You have to decide whether you care or not.

If you do, then you have to decide what if any action you want to take.

Do you want to banjo the dog and whip him back in line, or make changes to provide him what he is missing?

Or live with this and hope everything works out ok?

Sexist as it sounds.......

What makes you think she's unattractive?

Kentish_Dave

I read that as saying men are only ever “mates” with the attractive women, you never see the married man being “just friends” with an unattractive woman, with the lunches, texts etc.

Kentish_Dave

Oh, and OP I’d say that you are absolutely right to be a bit worried. Not to the point of accusing him, but affairs really go from zero to 200mph in a day, they develop, and from what you’ve written the direction if travel doesn’t look good.

ska_lover

So i have a two fold answer OP

your own work/life balance

You are unhappy yourself, and negativity is not easy to be around - it can push others away - friends / partners

The fact you know you are burning out - why do you persist with such a high degree of stress in your job? You can just leave. (Yes you can - I did this exact thing six weeks ago) Stress and anxiety effect everything about your life. Think if you really want to continue

Your relationship

My best mate is a guy (I must be one of these unattractive women who keep getting referred to for some reason hahaha) Seriously though, people do not go for others based purely on looks (unless they are a teenager and it was Marti Pellow). Personality, interests in common, fun.....fun - do you remember that, OP?

Would I be worried in your shoes? Honestly I do think there are warning signs. But perhaps not for the same reason as other people may

She is moaning about her husband *having to get his dinner on the table for a certain time / making his lunches* Whatever - (this will be only a tip of the iceberg of what your OH knows about her life, by the way) THIS is what would worry me - because to me - the Psychology behind this is that she is making it very obvious to your husband that she is not happy without actually saying it

I think you are over focusing on what she looks like. Really, if an affair were to happen, her looks, would not be his compelling event - it would be because somehow, you two, as a couple, have lost your way, have lost your connection (and instead of working on it, he has chosen to look elsewhere / or maybe he is blind to what is happening himself)

And you need to get that back. That connection

I really think you need to work on your stress - levels, and once again become the girl he fell in love with, not some stressed out negative mood hoover who he comes home to every day - I know this one, been there done it

Gemmadilem34

Thanks everyone, some really good advice and I must stress it’s that she’s attractive, not unattractive! He assured me I’m being silly but they do tell you to listen to your gut instincts!

puk999

I think you're right to be suspicious. I hope things work out for you.