This is it, going to tell him tonight about secret debt... terrified!!

Unicorn_cottage

Kat

You have rights. You are married. Please get legal advise asap - you can normally get 30 mins free advice for a start. Look up divorce solicitors on google etc and go with the one with the best reviews & ratings. You will not have to leave with the kids - who is suggesting that?

I have been in a similar situation (without kids) please do not delay seeking advice. It will be the best thing for you and your children. It is a horrendous situation to go through but believe me better days are on their way.

Xx

meer53

Whatever happens, remember that you and your children will be OK. It will be really hard for a while but you really will be OK, it will just take a lot of strength and organisation. Good luck xx

Unicorn_cottage

Any update Katnoluck? We are eager to hear how you are doing

Mnd

Not even been on the forum since the last post, son I dont think she wil see your message

ruperts

I'm astonished by the comments I've read about the husband in here. Based on the information provided he has done absolutely nothing wrong, indeed has been providing a house for the OP and her two children and has now taken news of this financial betrayal with impressive maturity. And yet to read the comments he's a cold, calculated, infantalising abuser who OP should rip for every penny that he's worth. What a thoroughly depressing read.

trailingspouse

ruperts -


The OP has used the following words to describe her situation -



She is terrified.
She is physically sick with worry.
He has been angry.
She is so very scared.


Do 'impressively mature' (your words) people do that to their spouses?


And no-one on here has suggested 'ripping the husband for every penny he's worth' - they have simply reminded her of the rights that every married person has, and suggested that she seek legal advice. Perfectly reasonable and sensible advice.



Your post is depressing me, because it totally ignores the views and the words of the only person on here who knows what her situation is truly like - the OP herself.



I'm going to make a wild guess here (and my apologies if I'm wide of the mark) - that you're male, that you've never been financially dependent on anyone in your adult life and that you've never lived intimately with someone who is physically stronger than you. Please educate yourself about emotional abuse and financial abuse before passing judgement on advice given by people who know what they're talking about.

dan958

All you are doing is speculating (which isn't a bad thing, it is good to offer advice for 'if' they are in that situation, and for anyone that is reading this that might be in that situation). You can be terrified/scared of a situtation without being terrified/scared for your saftey, and a spouse can be angry without it being abusive.

Despite being a male, I'm a skinny runt - everyone is physically stronger than me. Also, anybody can be financally and phsically abused. Gender has nothing to do with it.

If the OP is worried about their saftey, then they would need to speak to the appropriate authorities.

candlebreeze

Hi i was just reading your post, how did you get on.

ruperts

trailingspouse wrote: »

ruperts -


The OP has used the following words to describe her situation -



She is terrified.
She is physically sick with worry.
He has been angry.
She is so very scared.


Do 'impressively mature' (your words) people do that to their spouses?


And no-one on here has suggested 'ripping the husband for every penny he's worth' - they have simply reminded her of the rights that every married person has, and suggested that she seek legal advice. Perfectly reasonable and sensible advice.



Your post is depressing me, because it totally ignores the views and the words of the only person on here who knows what her situation is truly like - the OP herself.



I'm going to make a wild guess here (and my apologies if I'm wide of the mark) - that you're male, that you've never been financially dependent on anyone in your adult life and that you've never lived intimately with someone who is physically stronger than you. Please educate yourself about emotional abuse and financial abuse before passing judgement on advice given by people who know what they're talking about.

In my opinion, it is quite clear from the context given by the OP around the comments that you've picked out, that her primary concern was that he may have asked her to leave and what would then happen to her and her two children who are currently living in his house. Given she betrayed him, those concerns were very valid - ending the relationship and asking her to leave would have been a perfectly reasonable course of action for him to take.

As it happens, he didn't ask her to leave, and indeed appeared to emphasise with her concerns about the consequences of the relationship ending ("I would have to leave with my teenagers... he says he's worried too").

Certainly at no point in any of the OP's comments has there been the remotest suggestion of any sort of physical threat. No suggestion that he infantalised her (and if we're doing wild speculation, then it seems far more likely that she infantalised herself by running up a "secret debt", but I'm not posting here to judge the OP who I'm sure has her reasons for what she did). No suggestion of him being cold and calculated (again if anything it's the opposite - he chose not to kick her out and emphasises with her concerns).

So all things considered I reject your comments and stand by my original criticisms. I'd like to make it clear I'm not in any way criticising the OP, just the people who have responded with some outrageously judgemental comments about her husband.

You've then gone on to tell me that I shouldn't pass judgement, in the exact same paragraph in which you've made a multitude of judgements about myself, in a post which itself is a defence of people who have made numerous judgements about the OP's husband. Hopefully therefore you'll understand when I say I'm slightly confused as to why it's ok for you to pass judgement about me, and for several posters on the thread to pass judgement about the OP's husband, but it's not ok for me to have an opinion.

I don't really want to kick off a big debate since this probably isn't the board for it. Suffice to say I think there's quite an obvious undercurrent of sexism going on here, where the males (myself now included) are being assumed to have certain stereotypical characteristics based on absolutely no evidence whatsoever.

onwards&upwards

katnoluck wrote: »

Finances are not shared. I pay for all the food, electricity and things for the children. My wages are much less than his and I have struggled on.

x

If the debt has been run up because the OP couldn’t manage the expenses she was expected to cover on her income, then the husband has some responsibility for the debt imo.