This is it, going to tell him tonight about secret debt... terrified!!

engineer_amy

Obviously we don't know you, and its hard to imply tone from your post, but from what you have written, he seems to have reacted calmly. he didn't go mad, he didn't call you names, he didn't panic. hes said, give me time to digest this and we will talk about it face to face.
I would take that as a good sign. And the fact that you were able to tell him you had a plan to sort it meant that you weren't just dumping a mountain of debt on top of him and expecting him to come to your rescue.
You do have our support on here, people here are fabulous and kind, and will give you further advice if you need it.
Come back and let us know how the rest of the conversations go!

Suseka97

There's clearly more at play here - as you mention that things are already strained, but maybe this will give you both the opportunity to sit down together and work a few things through. The fact you have already put in motion a plan to resolve your debt issues, only asking for moral and emotional support, will hopefully help ease that face-to-face conversation.

Whatever comes of it, you have done the right thing by telling him and it sounds as if, given time to digest and consider, he'll be there for you. As you say you have supported him over other issues in the past - that's what partners do/should do.

I wish you well and, as has already been said by others, am here for emotional (albeit virtual) support if you need it.

katnoluck

Hello again, thank you all for your replies it's really helped me.

An update. He got back last night and didn't really want to go into it. He just seemed to want the basic facts right now, as he was very tired. I am on the sofa, so he can sleep (I have minor issues with asthma and I can snore).

Our relationship is very strained even before my revelation. I have sought housing advice from local council recently. He owns this house and I have lived here for 12 years and have been married for 8. He has never accepted this is 'our' home. I don't want anything from him (his ex took a chunk when she left him and I think this is why he feels like this).

I almost feel that now I have nothing left to hide, I feel stronger to make a decision to leave. I have two amazing children from my previous marriage and I just want them to have some stability and a safe home. So this is perhaps why I have put up with a lot.

I feel he will throw this money problem back at me the next time we have a disagreement.

Finances are not shared. I pay for all the food, electricity and things for the children. My wages are much less than his and I have struggled on.

Anyway, I will try and sleep now. I will post some more as things unfold. Take care everyone x

DebtFreeMonkey

Good luck with everything. It seems you've settled on a decision on ultimately what to do for the best for you and your children. I'm sure with some focus and determination, you'll get to where you need to be.

Suseka97

There are clearly much more deep rooted issues at play here and the situation with your finances is, in my mind, peripheral to the bigger picture. It does sound as if your main concern needs to be the health and welfare of you and your children.

I'm no relationship counsellor - but it does seem that your husband's experiences in his previous marriage may be affecting his ability to fully commit on all levels with you, which is sad. Perhaps counselling would help you both - whether independently or together.

As for the DMP - don't rush in. Give yourself some breathing space and just put all your creditors on hold. You don't have to get into the specifics, just write to them advising you are in financial (and perhaps, housing) difficulty and that you are working with SC on a solution. We always advise people entering a DMP to give themselves at least 6 months (at a minimum, 3) to build up a decent emergency fund. Now SC never really speak about that and do tend to push people to start as soon as possible - but its an essential part of successful budgeting and means you'll then have access to money for those unplanned costs along the way.

Good luck

zippygeorgeandben

Your husband will want guarantees that you don't end up in a cycle of debt again. Sorting out why you go down this path is the priority. Can you guarantee this? It's a huge question to think about.

badmemory

He seems to have taken the news of your debt fairly well really. Are you sure that none of the strain in your relationship was because he already knew about some of it & was thinking along the lines of "here we go again a partner lying to me" ?

FireWyrm

If you have been married for 8 years and living in the house (he owns?) for 12, he's got a nasty shock coming if he thinks he can cut you loose without any repercussions. Half the asset is yours. Its that simple.

From what you say, he's taken it reasonably well, but I am concerned by his apparent (from what you tell us) lack of sympathy and strangely constrained behaviour. You seem to say that he went out and when he got back, he was cold and analytical rather than the typically relieved or sympathetic behaviour I would have expected from a partner of 12 years. Initial fury is not an uncommon first reaction, but after that, most people seem to go one of two ways. He doesnt seem to be going down the 'angry but relieved and ready to stand by you' route from what you have said.

Brace yourself. This doesnt sound like it is actually going well at all.

katnoluck

Hello again, thank you again so much for your replies. I haven't been back for a couple of days, as really struggling with things at home. I am crying even writing this - what a twit!

He has been angry (understandably). Serious chats about separation. I would have to leave with my teenagers. I am so very scared. I have told him this but he just says he's worried too. He has issues at work. Work has always worried him to the extent of ruining what should be nice family days and made him bad tempered quite regularly. Again, I have tried to help, encouraged hobbies and gym for stress etc. Hobbies now have taken over and he doesn't seem any better. I think he's depressed and told him to get help but he is the most stubborn person you could meet.

This was part of the reason I didn't want to tell him about this, so he didn't worry...

I will try to update but things not good. I would go bankrupt but I know it would affect his house right?

Take care all and I will try to write soon x

Humdinger1

Kat

I don't want to pile in here - but you do count in this situation too. You seem to be seeing yourself as the one at fault and the lesser partner in all this. Is there an element possibly of abuse here? How long have you been married for? You can't be put out on the street with your children; and as you're married, you will have rights here.

You're looking to sort this out which is admirable, but this should be a team effort. By infantilising you and making you the 'naughty' one, he has helped set this up.

Can you get some legal advice? I also think that some work on your confidence and self-esteem would be useful, whether in a local group (the doctor may be able to point you towards one) or with a friend.

Please don't take this as criticism; I just think you need to stop casting yourself as the villain here. Your husband's attitudes need an overhaul and updating. He's coming across as an entitled teenager who wants to put you down by putting you in the wrong rather than doing the adult thing and working as a team.

Take care and please keep us posted Humdinger