Desperate for help and advice

AngieOcho

Hello.

Long time lurker and very occasional poster

I’ve been with my partner for 20 years and married for three. We are currently undergoing marriage difficulties and I am a victim of mental bullying/abuse.

I am constantly being told that I am fat, lazy, and ‘up myself’. I have had things thrown at me property smashed up although there has been no physical violence.

My husband is a drinker. He drinks six or seven 500ml cans 7.5% Polish lager every evening and when he goes to visit his mother no matter what time the day she gives him vodka and Coke.

My problem is that we rent the property where we both live and have done for the last 13 years. Although he pays his half of the bills, all of the bills come out of my bank account.

I wish to leave the property and just leave a ‘Dear John’ letter and telling him to only contact me through my solicitor.

He will be staying in the property as I just want to go. I have had to put up with this for the whole relationship and he has finally managed to break me.

I’m not sure how much more I can take before I haw a breakdown.

I have no family (all deceased) - there’s just me.

I’m constantly told his mother is his ‘backing’ and she will do anything she can to get rid of me. He’s 53 in August and she still calls him Mummy’s little soldier!!!

I have savings due to an inheritance so money is not the issue for me but I just need some advice on how I go about fleeing the property.

Hoping someone can help?

Best wishes & thank you for reading

.

anna_1977

who's name are the bills in ?

AngieOcho

They are all in my name but i will be leaving the property and all the bills as they are for him to continue with the current suppliers. How do I go about terminating them in my name and transferring them to him for no loss of service?

Comms69

AngieOcho wrote: »

Hello.

Long time lurker and very occasional poster

I’ve been with my partner for 20 years and married for three. We are currently undergoing marriage difficulties and I am a victim of mental bullying/abuse.

I am constantly being told that I am fat, lazy, and ‘up myself’. I have had things thrown at me property smashed up although there has been no physical violence.

My husband is a drinker. He drinks six or seven 500ml cans 7.5% Polish lager every evening and when he goes to visit his mother no matter what time the day she gives him vodka and Coke.

My problem is that we rent the property where we both live and have done for the last 13 years. Although he pays his half of the bills, all of the bills come out of my bank account.

I wish to leave the property and just leave a ‘Dear John’ letter and telling him to only contact me through my solicitor.

He will be staying in the property as I just want to go. I have had to put up with this for the whole relationship and he has finally managed to break me.

I’m not sure how much more I can take before I haw a breakdown.

I have no family (all deceased) - there’s just me.

I’m constantly told his mother is his ‘backing’ and she will do anything she can to get rid of me. He’s 53 in August and she still calls him Mummy’s little soldier!!!

I have savings due to an inheritance so money is not the issue for me but I just need some advice on how I go about fleeing the property.

Hoping someone can help?

Best wishes & thank you for reading

.

If you have the money, just walk out with personal effects and go to a hotel. Rent a property and leave it all behind.

Comms69

AngieOcho wrote: »

They are all in my name but i will be leaving the property and all the bills as they are for him to continue with the current suppliers. How do I go about terminating them in my name and transferring them to him for no loss of service?

Phone them. Tell them you've left. Tell them to send final bills. That is all you need to do. the rest will be on him.

Candyapple

Do you have a joint bank account together?

Is there a reason for 'fleeing' the property rather than just telling your husband you want a divorce? Yes I understand you said about mental bullying etc. but if his hatred towards you is that much, surely he would want a divorce too?

Then you could put all the bills in his name given as he will be staying, sort out severing your joint tenancy so that he can start a new single one and begin divorce proceedings via a solicitor and let him know going forward to contact you via your solicitor.

Or did you want to flee to protect your inheritance money? Because then you would still be tied to your husband as you wouldn’t be able to get divorced without sorting out splitting of finances.

BucksLady

Comms69 wrote: »

If you have the money, just walk out with personal effects and go to a hotel. Rent a property and leave it all behind.

I think Comms69's advice is spot-on and this is exactly what I would do.


This situation must be so difficult for you AngieOcho and I hope you are able to resolve it quickly. Wishing you the very best for the future.

NeverendingDMP

You need to look at whose name is on the tenancy agreement and bills. Are you linked financially etc. Will you still be liable for rent if he doesnt pay when you leave. I would suggest calling womens aid for advice as you want to do this cleanly if you are planning to just leave a letter and just dissapear from the house. You will need copies of bills and account numbers and to contact utilities, council tax with final dates and readings. Please also remember to take all the ID you need as well.
By all means just pack up and go to a hotel if you wish but please get full advice on how to do it and what you need to gather together first.

TBagpuss

With regard to bills, do what you wpould do if you were moving house. Take final meter readings on the day you leave, notify the utility company you are moving and ask them to send you a fianl bill.

Once you clear that final bill that 's it. The company will contact him direct to et up a new account.

In terms of the tenancy, things are a little more complicated as you can't unilaterally take your name off.

However, it is in his interests to have your name off the tenancy as otherwise, you remain entitled to live in the house. So far as that is concerned, the best course of action may be to write to him onceyou have left and feel safe, and let him know that you are prepared to agtree to the tenancy being transferred into his sole name, provided that he covers the costs required.

If it is a council / HA tenancy, contact the council / HA and ask what is needed to put it into his name, and get them to send you the necessary paperwork. If it is a private tenancy, you can ask the landlord or agent whwther they will agree to put it into the sole name of one of you, and see what they say.

If not, usually one person on a jpont tenancy can give notice to end the tenancy, but this is risky as if the tenancy comes to an end and he doesn't leave, you would both still be liable in relation to ongoing rent and other costs, including legal costsif he is then evicted.

(for this reason, if he is awkward, you might want to look at applying to have the tenancy trasferred into your sole name, on the basis that either (a) the court can order it transferrd to you, he leaves and you then either sytay in the property, or surrender the tenancy or (b)he decides that he wants to fight for the property to be trnaferred into his name, in which case gret, you say you are prepared to withdraw your application and have the corut transfer the tenancy to him!)

If you feel that you have to flee rather than telling him you feel the relationship is over, then plan ahead. Move things like importnat papers first - they probably won't be missed, store them with a friend youtrust.

Then when you go, pack on the assumption you may not be able to get back into the property so ensure you take what you ned.

Consider taking photographs of the property immediately before you elave so you have proof of the condition it is in, and of what you left.

Be aware thatas you are married, you and he could each make finacial claims againsts each other as part of the divorce.

Look for domestic abbuse support in your local area. (Your local council, library or police should all be able to pooint ypou in the direction of local support services, and you GP may well be able to do so as well )

National Organisation such as Refuge and Womens Aidhave useful infomration on their websites, too.

ska_lover

Whose name is on the tenancy agreement, OP? Is it a private rented or a local authority housing?

[Deleted User]

I don't think you need to plan this like a military operation, just find somewhere to live and move out. Pack your bags whilst he is at work and go.


If of course you think he will be violent and track you down then get some proper advice and leave no forwarding details and change jobs etc etc


You deserve better than that and I hope you find some peace.