Very unhappy teen DD

rach_k

Are there any of the girls she's closer to, or who are nicer, or that she's known longer? I know girls can be nasty when they're all in a big group but I doubt a whole group would be horrible when separated; there must be at least one good one! If she can think of just one, she could invite her to do something or, if she's brave, she could speak to her about how she's feeling. She'd need to be quite confident in picking the right one though!

gettingtheresometime

rach_k wrote: »

Are there any of the girls she's closer to, or who are nicer, or that she's known longer? I know girls can be nasty when they're all in a big group but I doubt a whole group would be horrible when separated; there must be at least one good one! If she can think of just one, she could invite her to do something or, if she's brave, she could speak to her about how she's feeling. She'd need to be quite confident in picking the right one though!

The trouble with this is that the girls slightly up the 'pecking order' whilst perhaps not agreeing 100% with the way the OP's daughter is being treated, will be seeing how she is treated and won't want to put themselves into the firing line either by accepting a solo invitation or speaking up for her.Also by admitting how she feels to members of this group she's opening herself to them upping the isolation.


Personally I think the group are well aware of what they are doing so the daughter needs strategies for removing herself from the group.

TripleH

I can only speak from the aspect of a boy on this, but to me the way to look at it is that going and making a new social group out of school is important. It will help when she does leave and will help her mix with other people when she goes to do her A-levels.

A fitness club sounds a good idea, or does she have a hobby where she can join a club outside of school to pursue it? This helped me, particularly mixing with people from a wider age spectrum where you learn that not everyone is 'nasty'. This can help with confidence particularly as you mix with more mature people.

The key things to remember are that this position is not forever and in a year's time she may never have to deal with these girls again. Your daughter can be whatever she wants to be.

Lucee

Hi Green Cloth

I have a 15 year old daughter, I also have 20 and 23 year old daughters so I have just about seen and experienced the lot. Girls can be absolutely vile to each other and I am glad my youngest is a boy, so much simpler - if they fall out its done, said and sorted within a day.

I think the fact that they are 'allowing' her to sit with them at lunch means that there isn't anything too sinister going on, if girls don't want you to be included they would make sure she wasn't welcome at lunch either. Who does she sit near in class or form? Are any of these girls in her lessons? I think maybe it is just a case that these girls just aren't your daughters friends, I know it's tough and difficult to understand when you are that age but they are just girls she goes to school with.

My 15 year old daughter has a core of about 4 friends, and the group they are in is much bigger (about 16 girls & boys). The core friends fall out regularly (always very dramatically and sometimes quite nastily) and one usually gets left out for a few days. The larger group go out or have parties and sometimes my daughter is invited and sometimes she isn't it really depends on who is doing the organising, she does get upset when she's left out and unfortunately that's a tough but valuable life lesson.

There are always a group of what my daughter calls the 'populars' in school and I would say that 80% of kids just aren't in that category and as these kids think that their success and popularity is measured on what they can snapchat about your daughter is probably seeing a lot of stuff that is fake or hasn't really happened as they say it has.

Each of my daughters have had hobbies outside school for example music group, drama club or they've joined a local netball team. They have met some of their most trusted and closest friends at these clubs, perhaps because they have more in common with each other? In fact my eldest daughters have remained friends with people they met through these clubs but not really kept in touch with their old school friends.

What does your daughter like doing? is there a club she could join locally? This will introduce her to a new set of people who she could quite possibly make friends with. It may need some determination from you to encourage her to pursue these hobbies but I am quite sure she will benefit from the experiences they can offer.

I do think that if you can help her pursue other activities outside school she will become happier and more confident and as a result this will probably help with her manage her weight (if it really is a problem).

Good luck, L x

suejb2

Unless you have super powers neither you nor your daughter can control the other girls. You can , however control how you react to their actions. It’s a testing time for girls of this age (I have a 16 year old)

I remember last summer a group chat had been created excluding my d.d but more significantly including her best friend. Arrangements were made for an up coming party, this upset my d.d.

You know how to talk to your d.d but my pep talk went along the lines of “this s**t happens in all aspects of life don’t give ‘them’ the satisfaction of seeing it get to you.” Her resilience in this proved a turning point.

As a mum it’s a different dynamic when your child is going through something you have been through all be it years ago! Take a read of “Queen Bee and wannabes”

Good luck it doesn’t get easier the older your child gets just different.

green_cloth

Thank you all so much.


My daughter goes to one group which includes a girl from her group, they get on really well outside of school. However, the girl has now invited the others and my daughter now misses their time together.

I live in a small village and there isn't many groups to go to.

SweetPotatoPie

Netball is a really good club where she will make a different group of friends. Girls in high school are bloody awful. She will also get exercise which is good.

trailingspouse

It's such a difficult stage in life isn't it. People drift in and out of our lives, and years from now your may not even remember these kids' names, but at the moment they are looming large in her life.
Another thing to ponder is whether there's a reason they're leaving her out? None of us are perfect, and although we'd love everyone to get along, sometimes there's a reason why one person gets sidelined.

Many years ago I came across a folk song by a fairly obscure folk group, but the lines of the song have stayed with me '... I lost some friends that needed losing, found others on the way...'
OMG, isn't Google wonderful!!!! Here it is - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_izA_a3z7w

go to 1:30.

We all find our tribe eventually - I hope she can find some strength while she's looking for hers.

meer53

My daughter has just finished her first year of Uni. At high school she was bullied, the police were eventually involved it was so bad, but she moved on and at college it settled down. When she went to Uni last year none of her friends were there and she just didn't gel with the girls in her Halls of Residence despite making friends with them before going. It's easy to make friends on Facebook but real life turned out to be very different ! She ended up in hospital with an anxiety attack. All sorted now thankfully !

When she was at High School I really worried about her but kept telling her to be herself and that there will always be girls( and boys) like that and that they're the ones with the problems, not her. I think all you can do is be there for your child and try your best to convince them that they're perfectly normal and that there will always be people in your life that you aren't going to get on with, but that there are lots of good people out there, they will come along, it might not be straight away but they will come.

My daughter has made friends at Uni in a Netball team, none of them live with her at the moment (they will in Sept) and she has grown to realise that you just need to be yourself and not worry about fitting in with the "in crowd" It has taken 3 years, I think it's just a matter of time for most girls, the pressure to fit in these days is huge, at 15 it's really hard to remember that what's happening now won't matter in a couple of years, just be there for her. College may well be the turning point for her, they tend to treat teenagers more as adults, it may be just what she needs.

theoretica

Have you discussed with her that people generally become more mature and civilised as they get older? I think I would have liked being explicitly told I would not need to deal with people like that for the rest of my life.