12 year old crying his eyes out before school

kathrynha

bflare wrote: »

It's lovely to see someone else who is aware of this condition.


Yeah he has the classical type & does not have any issues at the moment with dislocations although he is hypermobile too. The bottle thing was basically because he would complain when he was given a cup so his mum unfortunately took the easy way out & said her own brother had a bottle until he was 11 so it was ok.


Yeah he struggles with handwriting & the English teacher at his primary school would really get at him for his hand writing even though we told them of his condition.


I think I need to have another good chat to him & see whether this maybe bothering him & any other issues that maybe caused by his EDS. He maybe anxious over something & wanting his mum is his way of trying to cope with this.

My husband has a vascular/classical mutation and we are just going through diagnosis for my daughter, so unfortunately I know much too much about it.


Don't know about boys, but for girls hormones seriously effect the symptoms, and he is about at that age. Not to mention, secondary school is the age when fitting in and being the same as all your friends becomes important.


I find some teachers at school understand, and others don't have a clue and won't make exceptions even when things are explained to them.


My daughter got told off last week for fidgeting in class. She had dislocated her shoulder getting her pen out of her blazer pocket and was trying to get it back in joint. Teacher refused to believe her.


Talking to him is definitely best, especially as you are the one that understands the condition.


Also worth joining EDS UK. My daughter went to a teenager workshop they organised the other month and she found it so helpful. I know others are being planned.

bflare

maman wrote: »

I think you're answer is there.


I agree with you about his mum's behaviour but for the boy it's what he's used to and he doesn't want to change. His mum must know that it's not usual for a 12 year old to sleep with a parent but she gives into him rather than be persistent. He obviously can cope in his own room as he's proved that with you.


So, from what you've told us, he's learned which buttons to press to get what he wants. This missing his mum is probably (while a tiny bit genuine) more to do with that he knows she might well let him stay off school and would fuss over him. I'd be surprised if he's in floods of tears on a Saturday morning if he's staying with you.


I agree that it's worth keeping on trying with his mum when he's not around. When he's with you I'd stick to your guns and also enlist the help of the school. Children, just like adults, learn to behave differently in different situations when the expectations are different. Tell the school that he's been playing up before school and that you suspect it's because his mum lets him have his own way (I wouldn't tell them about the bed and bottle just at this moment). Find out about his work as that may be a bit genuine too and he might need help.


Good luck.:)

His mum admits that he should be sleeping in his own bed but she also admits its easier for her to let him sleep with her. In the past she has allowed him to have time off school & this hasn't helped.


As you say he knows what buttons to press with his mum.


I think I need to speak to the school & she if he is having difficulties with his school work etc. Regarding his bed time, as you say I can only stick to my guns while he is with me. He doesn't like sleeping by himself but he needs to for his own emotional development. He is almost a teenager & will be going through puberty soon. He should not be sleeping with his parents taking this into consideration. Also what is going to happen if he wants to stay at a friends house or a school trip & he cant sleep with his mum.

bflare

kathrynha wrote: »

My husband has a vascular/classical mutation and we are just going through diagnosis for my daughter, so unfortunately I know much too much about it.


Don't know about boys, but for girls hormones seriously effect the symptoms, and he is about at that age. Not to mention, secondary school is the age when fitting in and being the same as all your friends becomes important.


I find some teachers at school understand, and others don't have a clue and won't make exceptions even when things are explained to them.


My daughter got told off last week for fidgeting in class. She had dislocated her shoulder getting her pen out of her blazer pocket and was trying to get it back in joint. Teacher refused to believe her.


Talking to him is definitely best, especially as you are the one that understands the condition.


Also worth joining EDS UK. My daughter went to a teenager workshop they organised the other month and she found it so helpful. I know others are being planned.

I found it difficult at school fitting in & I have talked to my son about this. He doesn't have many symptoms like I did. He has chosen only to tell who he wants about his condition. We had a meeting with school before he started high school & they were really understanding. However, it appears there are still some teachers who basically couldn't give a toss, especially the PE teachers.



I shall have another talk to him about it & see what he says.


I am a member of EDS UK & I have considered attending a meeting with him just so he see's that he is not the only kid out there with this condition.


I wish you all the best with your diagnosis, it isn't am easy thing to go through.

rach_k

I'm not going to get into a big debate about bed-sharing or 'family beds' but wanted to offer a different perspective on it. I don't actually think sleeping in his mum's bed is a problem as long as they're both happy enough with it. Okay so it's not the cultural norm here but there are places where it's completely normal - a quick Google suggests that parents or grandparents in Japan commonly bed share with kids until the teenage years.

I get that people find it weird because we're not used to it but I don't think it's a big 'no' as far as humans generally are concerned. I know plenty of adults who prefer not to sleep alone.

I also think it will most likely resolve on its own, and probably pretty soon given his age! You could try to stop it but I think it's better to pick your battles. If there are other issues that need resolving, leave him sleeping where he's comfortable while you work on the other stuff. That he does sleep on his own at yours suggests that he can sleep alone so I'd not worry about sleepovers and school trips.

LadyDee

Just a thought. Does he have a friend from school that lives nearby, who could call for him so that they go to school together? Maybe ask him initially if he'd like to invite somebody back for tea after school? It really does sound as though he needs to spend out of school time with friends, rather than just his mum and dad.

CRANKY40

Another EDS mum here. My son's school have been amazing since I made contact and explained his issues. He now has a laptop for lessons instead of having to try and write. Previously he would give up writing after 10 minutes because it hurt. Since the laptop was arranged he came top out of 350 pupils in his English exam. He has a pass to leave his last lesson before lunch 5 minutes early so he doesn't have to stand in the dinner queue for too long and he no longer does sports on uneven ground - they send him to the gym instead. The same pass (double sided and laminated) is something he can show to teachers if he feels too embarrassed to explain his condition (which is always, that's how the pass came about) - it's written down so he just has to show the pass.

If he does anything too strenuous like the time he did a charity bag pack day to fundraise for school then he is usually in too much pain to go to school the next day. I have discussed this with his school and they agree that if he wants to take part in things like that he should be allowed to and they will arrange to help him catch up with anything that he misses.

I have the same type of EDS as your son. The physiotherapist said that for both my son and I the more that you can do in the way of walking etc the better as stronger muscles make up for over stretchy ligaments. I did fall down 5 stairs (carpeted) at home and ended up with a 4 inch very deep open wound on my leg but I survived and although it took 4 months to heal, it did heal eventually.

I honestly think that you need to sit down with him and probably his head of year at school to find out why he has a problem with school. I'm probably a bit soft with my son at home but I'm fairly strict about going to school. He's also started walking home a couple of evenings a week as suggested by the physio who said "Use it or lose it". So far so good.....

mary_hinge

Another Eds mum here and starting secondary school was a huge leap for my daughter. The fatigue and pain intensified a lot and the demands on her increased drastically. She has many many adaptions in place to help her cope with the school week. Becoming emotional can be due to fatigue, pain, anxiety..... alongside all the typical preteen difficulties.

I would get in touch with the school and arrange a meeting with both you and mum there to discuss these concerns.

You yourself until recently shared a bed with you son - just because you no long do doesn't mean you can dictate what his mum does at her house, you say your son has a bottle? what type of bottle? a baby milk bottle? a sports bottle?

iammumtoone

I could be the child in this threads Mother and you OP sound like my Ex.

My son has some difficulties and currently is under the care of a psychologist.

He currently sleeps with me. Note we never share a duvet/covers he has his own and I have mine so were are sleeping beside each other rather than 'with' each other. I am sure your ex will have a similar set up. He is ok sleeping in his own bed if I sleep on a put up in his room, this is marginally better but still not ideal.

I am not stupid I know this isn't ideal but I work all day. When I come home, 5 nights out of seven I will be dealing with a massive meltdown which can involve breaking furniture/items/damage to the house. Then homework/bath ect needs to be done, neither of these are easy tasks with a child with difficulties. By the end of the evening I am totally shattered I and my son need our sleep I just do not have the energy to be awake until 4-5 in the morning (what would happen if he wasn't with me) and up again at 6.

The psychologist is fully aware of our set up, they are not bothered by it they are concentrating on the other issues with they believe are more pressing.

I also have to take my son to school screaming/crying, leave him there are go straight onto work where I am then late. I know how upsetting and awful that is but I can assure you if he slept his is own bed it would not solve that issue.

It must be so easy being the NRP just demand instructions are carried out but when you live with the issues day in day out its really hard work. My son shows issues with his dad but not to the extent he does at home I have spoken many times to the psychologist why this is "Is it me?" the reply is because my home is his main home its where he feels safe, with that safe feeling comes the ability to act how he does. Apparently children have the ability (like an adult I suppose) to bottle up emotions and only let them out in their safe place.

That turned into a bit of a rant but please take a step back an consider how your ex must be feeling rather than blaming her offer to help.

iammumtoone

bflare wrote: »

As you say he knows what buttons to press with his mum.
.

True my son knows what buttons to push with me. Difficulties or not children are not daft. Must of that is learnt from times I am too shattered to stick my ground and give in. I am far from prefect.


However I can assure you if I only had my son one night a week (like you did until recently). I would not have given in and would be able to stick to my guns as I wouldn't be so tired only having to deal with the issues one night a week.

tyllwyd

I think there are two different problems - one is your son's medical condition, and the other is that you and his mother are not handling things the same way, which means that he can play the two of you off against each other.


I think you and his mother need to agree the ground rules between the two of you, so that you can give him consistent boundaries. Would it be possible to sit down with her and a neutral third party - maybe the SENCO or pastoral teacher from school, or go through your gp to find help - so that you can sort out the basic rules about school / bedtimes etc so you both know that you are working together?