12 year old crying his eyes out before school

bflare

I separated from my son's mum 6 years ago. We had grown apart & I didn't agree with her parenting schools & I still don't. My son stays with me 3 nights per week & we have a great relationship. I was living in a 1 bedroom flat up until November of last year. My son only stayed one night per week then so he slept with me which wasn't ideal but there's was nothing much I could do at that point. He now has his own bedroom at mine & I managed to get him to sleep alone however he still sleeps with his mum at 12 years old. He has a rare medical condition in which he cuts easily so his mum is over protective with his & she has let him get away with a lot of things.


He started high School last September 7 all seemed ok. I got him in to what I thought was a good school & I moved house just around the corner so that he can go back to mine after school. I know he says he find the lessons hard & I have asked him about bullying & he said he isn't getting bullied.


It has started getting really difficult to get him into school. Yesterday he was complaining of belly ache & tried getting sent home but the school kept him there under our instructions. He was fine when he came home. Last night I put him to bed & he wouldn't sleep & kept saying he missed his mum. He woke up this morning saying the same thing. He phoned his mum then started crying & used the crying & been upset as a reason to not want to go to school. I drove him round & literally had to force him in while he was crying. This is getting really stressful & I have no idea what to do. I speak to his mum & tell her that she need to be a bit more tougher with him & definitely get him into his own bed but her answer is that she tries but he doesn't want to.


Do I phone the school or do I need to speak to someone else? I have no idea what to do.

rach_k

Speak to school. You could try his form teacher or head of year, or there may be somebody like a family support officer. The school office should be able to tell you. There may be something going on, or it may just be a tough time for him - it sometimes happens for no apparent reason. Personally, I would see this as a time to be gentler on him rather than a time to start telling his mum to be tougher.

You sound very critical of his mum. Do you let him see that? Whether or not you agree with her parenting methods, I think it's important that you don't show this to your son. Stop telling her what to do, too. If you can compromise that's great, or, if you can't, just have different rules in different homes. He'll cope with that far better than he'll deal with bickering parents.

bflare

rach_k wrote: »

Speak to school. You could try his form teacher or head of year, or there may be somebody like a family support officer. The school office should be able to tell you. There may be something going on, or it may just be a tough time for him - it sometimes happens for no apparent reason. Personally, I would see this as a time to be gentler on him rather than a time to start telling his mum to be tougher.

You sound very critical of his mum. Do you let him see that? Whether or not you agree with her parenting methods, I think it's important that you don't show this to your son. Stop telling her what to do, too. If you can compromise that's great, or, if you can't, just have different rules in different homes. He'll cope with that far better than he'll deal with bickering parents.

I think I will phone his school & ask to speak to his form teacher. I am hoping it is just a phase.


I never let him see me been critical of his mum. I cannot help been critical when I believe that her parenting style is not helping the situation. He should not be sleeping with her at 12 years old. He still had a bottle until last year. Surely this is not helping his development? This is why I mentioned his mum because in my opinion sleeping with her is not helping the situation. I haven't mentioned her to try & belittle her or anything I just wanted to give people the whole picture & what I believe could be the reason he doesn't want to go to school which is been overly attached to his mother.


Anything else that happens at his mums house is nothing to do with me I accept that but when things are happening that are not helping his development then I have to address these things.


We do not bicker in front of him. I speak to her when he is not around & in a non confrontational way.

AndyPix

bflare wrote: »

He should not be sleeping with her at 12 years old. He still had a bottle until last year. Surely this is not helping his development? This is why I mentioned his mum because in my opinion sleeping with her is not helping the situation..

I fully agree with you on this.


This cant be good for normal mental development

Blackpool_Saver

There must be more to this medical condition than he cuts easily? If he is still sleeping with Mum and having a bottle up until last year, are you telling us the full story here?

bflare

Blackpool_Saver wrote: »

There must be more to this medical condition than he cuts easily? If he is still sleeping with Mum and having a bottle up until last year, are you telling us the full story here?

He has Ehlers Danlos Syndrome which he inherited from me. It is a genetic disorder which affects the production of collagen.


He is still sleeping with his mum & still had a bottle because in her words "He carries on so it's easier".


I am not sure what you are insinuating to be honest so I would be interested in hearing please.

maman

bflare wrote: »

He is still sleeping with his mum & still had a bottle because in her words "He carries on so it's easier".

I think you're answer is there.


I agree with you about his mum's behaviour but for the boy it's what he's used to and he doesn't want to change. His mum must know that it's not usual for a 12 year old to sleep with a parent but she gives into him rather than be persistent. He obviously can cope in his own room as he's proved that with you.


So, from what you've told us, he's learned which buttons to press to get what he wants. This missing his mum is probably (while a tiny bit genuine) more to do with that he knows she might well let him stay off school and would fuss over him. I'd be surprised if he's in floods of tears on a Saturday morning if he's staying with you.


I agree that it's worth keeping on trying with his mum when he's not around. When he's with you I'd stick to your guns and also enlist the help of the school. Children, just like adults, learn to behave differently in different situations when the expectations are different. Tell the school that he's been playing up before school and that you suspect it's because his mum lets him have his own way (I wouldn't tell them about the bed and bottle just at this moment). Find out about his work as that may be a bit genuine too and he might need help.


Good luck.:)

kathrynha

bflare wrote: »

He has Ehlers Danlos Syndrome which he inherited from me. It is a genetic disorder which affects the production of collagen.

I assume that as he cuts easily it's classical type?
I know with my daughter, sharing a bed with her would be a bad thing, as she dislocates joints in her sleep. I would be so scared about hurting her.


I know a number of EDSers have swallowing issues, which could be related to him sticking with a bottle, but if that's an issue you need it properly checking out.


Also with school EDSers can have problems with holding pens and writing lots, and have bad handwriting.
The move up to secondary school often see a big increase in the amount of writing, and expected neatness. Could this be causing him pain and/or anxiety?

Blackpool_Saver

kathrynha wrote: »

I know a number of EDSers have swallowing issues, which could be related to him sticking with a bottle, but if that's an issue you need it properly checking out.


Also with school EDSers can have problems with holding pens and writing lots, and have bad handwriting.
The move up to secondary school often see a big increase in the amount of writing, and expected neatness. Could this be causing him pain and/or anxiety?

I suspect that there are a lot more difficulties for this child than his Dad realises. Whilst I agree that mollycoddling is not the right way, I strongly suspect that Dad has only the basic knowledge of what Mum deals with and the child suffers from.

bflare

kathrynha wrote: »

I assume that as he cuts easily it's classical type?
I know with my daughter, sharing a bed with her would be a bad thing, as she dislocates joints in her sleep. I would be so scared about hurting her.


I know a number of EDSers have swallowing issues, which could be related to him sticking with a bottle, but if that's an issue you need it properly checking out.


Also with school EDSers can have problems with holding pens and writing lots, and have bad handwriting.
The move up to secondary school often see a big increase in the amount of writing, and expected neatness. Could this be causing him pain and/or anxiety?

It's lovely to see someone else who is aware of this condition.


Yeah he has the classical type & does not have any issues at the moment with dislocations although he is hypermobile too. The bottle thing was basically because he would complain when he was given a cup so his mum unfortunately took the easy way out & said her own brother had a bottle until he was 11 so it was ok.


Yeah he struggles with handwriting & the English teacher at his primary school would really get at him for his hand writing even though we told them of his condition.


I think I need to have another good chat to him & see whether this maybe bothering him & any other issues that maybe caused by his EDS. He maybe anxious over something & wanting his mum is his way of trying to cope with this.

bflare

Blackpool_Saver wrote: »

I suspect that there are a lot more difficulties for this child than his Dad realises. Whilst I agree that mollycoddling is not the right way, I strongly suspect that Dad has only the basic knowledge of what Mum deals with and the child suffers from.

Can you please explain what you are trying to say?


I am 40 years old & I also have the same condition as my son. It is hereditary, my father has it & his mother had it. I know full well what difficulties my son suffers from, in fact I have better knowledge than most people as I have been through it all myself.


You are making me sound like I am some kind of part time dad who knows nothing about parenting & his own sons medical condition. I am actually quite insulted by your assumptions.


I was there for the first 4 years of his life & it broke my heart having to move out but our relationship wasn't working. I have done my very best for the last 7 years to keep that bond with my son & provide for him both financially & emotionally just like any good dad would. I keep in contact with me ex & we share the responsibilities equally. We discuss issues & come to agreements.