Unfair divorce - help needed !

Momanns

Hi all, long term user/fan of the forum but first time post! After some help as I’m supporting a friend through a griefy divorce and am finding it a stressful/illogical/unfair process.

Background

He had an affair whilst my friend was pregnant with their child early on in the marriage. They have been together since school. In fairness to the woman involved, he had spun her a story and she was the first of many victims. Once she had seen through his lies she called the relationship off and helped my friend through their split by providing evidence etc.

Over the last few years, my friend has stupidly/nievely wanted to reconcile and live the family life she had always wanted. It was clear he was stringing her along but keeping her at arms length. They never got bac together or even went as far as dating/being intimate but as recently as a year ago he was promising her the world and they even looked at houses etc.

Again, not to anyone’s surprise it transpired for the past 2 years he has had a partner. He was even living with her for most of the relationship. Interestingly, he always refused to give a current address and would only ever pick their child up for visits etc. Whenever my friend tried to distance herself he would up the charm, very often turn up unannounced outside of agreed visits and literally talk through the letterbox to the child to open the door. The child is primary school age.

He has shown a constant manipulative, controlling and borderline emotional abusive behaviour towards my friend which continues to this day. Often verbally abusive in person but smart enough to play the game over texts etc.

Divorce & assets

Divorce proceedings were instigated and they have failed moderation and the terms offered to my friend at the lastest hearing were refused. They are then set to go to a full hearing which she can not afford and will have to borrow money. This was still the better alternative to agreeing the terms offered.

Since separating, my friend has had sole custody/care of their child. The child has visits with the dad but has not even had an overnight stay as the child does not wish too/the dad doesn’t seem too bothered in having the child overnight.

Property – My friend lives in the flat and has done since the split. He has in fairness continued to contribute to the mortgage but not to the general upkeep/maintenance etc.

The judge ruled my friend should remortgage and awarded him a 50% split of the equity in the property based on the current value. However, the award was a figure as opposed to a % and has not taken into account that my friend may not be able to remortgage to the full amount given she is a single mother as well as any costs involved in doing so. Essentially she would have been obliged to pay him an amount

My friend would rather sell the property as it was bought as a marital home 10+ years but would be unable to buy a similar property now (we live in Greater London) so is stuck.

They are also going through the custody process but without the issues above. Although of note, he regularly cancels last minute when he is due to have the child and can go weeks without a visit. I think it’s all about getting back at X or “winning” in court rather than anything to do with the best interests of the child.

Pension
My friend has been with the same employer for 15+ years and has a bigger pension pot. He has been employed for a shorter time so has a smaller pot. The judge ruled on a calculation that both pots be merged to create a figure which he has then divided in half.

I find it scandalous that a judge has attempted to give him money from her pension pot despite her being a single working mother with sole custody of their child! The solicitor/barrister stated after the hearing she had never seen anything like it but the judge would not be swayed.

Additions

As per the above, he is relentless in his dishonesty. He has filed all the paperwork late and missed every deadline set. There doesn’t seem to be a penalty for doing so.

He has conveniently gone from zero debt to having a credit card debt of circa - £5,000 since proceedings began. We know him and his partner had 3-4 holidays last year and lead a relatively comfortable lifestyle.

He has also made a sizeable payment to a family member marked as “return of loan”. There was no outgoing payment and when queried, the only reply was that it was an informal agreement.

Despite signing a tenancy agreement within a month of the hearing he also claimed that he had split up with his partner and was therefore liable for 100% of the living costs.

Key questions are:

Is a 50/50 split in the above scenario an anomaly of pretty common?
Is any importance placed on the background of the split and the constant missing deadlines etc?
Does any of the dishonesty/deception mean anything or is it all a calculation based on finances only?

We’re finding it hard as most cases seem to support the mother but he has managed to get a judge to suggest a 50/50 split. My friend isn’t looking to take him to the cleaners but just to split fairly and move on with her life of which he has destroyed for the last few years. She refused the findings and they are moving towards having a full hearing. She is also very frustrated with her solicitors and believes they have represented her poorly.

Trying not to give details away but it is important to note his employment means he has experience of court proceedings and is in a position usually afforded trust/credit by the legal and judiciary system. Given the person he is, I would say he is a disgrace to the uniform/profession.

Any and all help will be much appreciated!

Momanns

Would also be useful to know if anyone has any information around the next hearing in terms of what to expect. I'm told it's like a mini trial with both sides being cross examined etc

caprikid1

I guess in terms of the pension pot the Judge considered that when they both reached pensionable age they would no longer have dependent children. Why should she have a larger pension pot ? Assuming he pays her the required maintenance etc.

Caz3121

Momanns wrote: »

The judge ruled my friend should remortgage and awarded him a 50% split of the equity in the property based on the current value. However, the award was a figure as opposed to a % and has not taken into account that my friend may not be able to remortgage to the full amount given she is a single mother as well as any costs involved in doing so. Essentially she would have been obliged to pay him an amount

My friend would rather sell the property as it was bought as a marital home 10+ years but would be unable to buy a similar property now (we live in Greater London) so is stuck.

She is not stuck - she could rent rather than buy (many people cannot afford to buy in Greater London)
How much equity is there currently and how much will be left roughly after the lawyers get their £££s for the court case?
50:50 would be the starting point, with everything, flat, pensions etc being in the pot

humptydumptybits

I thought a 50/50 split was normal, particularly if he has been paying his share (50%?) of the mortgage for years while she has been living there. I think splitting the pension is common, I know several people where this has happened but it seems more usual for the man to be losing some of his pension pot as they ten to be the higher earner/haven't had a career break for children. I suppose one of the outcomes of equality is that sometimes it is the woman who loses out.


I assume she is getting child support?



I don't think fault comes into it so his affair is irrelevant.


I do know someone who fought a long bitter battle to get more than 50%, she did get a bit more but it was more than swallowed up by the legal fees, left the husband unable to live nearby as he had less than 50% plus legal costs as well. She regretted it later because she was no better off and in the end her children would have benefitted from having dad closer.

hazyjo

50/50 is normal. He will also be paying maintenance and she may be entitled to some benefits. Surely they can either rent, downsize or change areas. I couldn't afford the same size house when I got divorced (twice) so downsized.

Justiceforme

Hi, 50/50 not always normal. You may like to read this extract about what happened recently re a family members situation.
Family member had a very good barrister which cost him £1000.00 for the day, alongside all of his solicitors costs. Ex refused to pay for the cost of proper legal solicitor. Judge ruled the house has be to sold, placed on the market very soon. He has been awarded 30%, ex 70%. This outcome is partially due to ex's continual debt problem. He fully accepts this settlement and will continue to pay for maintenance for his child.
Problem now is child is very distraught about leaving family home.
Ex, is using child as an emotional tool against father, trying to blame him, for everything. He is now very distressed about this because she is passing all blame on to him, saying that he is making them homeless. After costs she will have about £8000.00, him £3000.00 There are no winners in this situation.

Comms69

I was wondering what was unfair about 50/50, and I still am

Momanns

Thank you for the helpful replies. My thoughts are:

1) Yes she can sell and go into rental etc. That said, I guess it's the frustration of why should she come off the property market through no fault of her own. The 50/50 split for the mortgage I agree is fair but again my friend has been lumbered with additional costs (not splitting bills etc) due to his infidelity. Yes he pays the required monthly amount but does anyone believe that covers the cost of a child as it doesn't come close.

I guess in terms of the pension pot the Judge considered that when they both reached pensionable age they would no longer have dependent children. Why should she have a larger pension pot ? Assuming he pays her the required maintenance etc. - He has simply paid into a pension for a shorter period through his own choices. He will be on a decent Police pension, he has already been promoted once so his pot is likely to grow at a far higher rate than my friends. He also earns a higher salary so will be contributing a higher amount.

I was wondering what was unfair about 50/50, and I still am - In what way is this helpful? Is the mortgage the only cost associated with owning a flat? How about service charges, maintenance, upkeep. Things he has not contributed a penny towards but stands to earn an equal share?

As for the pension, I can't see what's fair about handing over part of your pension pot to a cheating ****** simply because you've paid into a pension for longer?

You tell me what's fair about marrying the guy you've been with since school to fall pregnant after the wedding to then find out he's having an affair. Then raise a child by yourself with the same guy making your life difficult just for his own amusement? Then face selling your only asset/security and moving that child which may affect schools simply because house prices/rentals have risen at an extraordinary rate over the past ten years?

Momanns

My friend is open to negotiation as I don't think either of them want the further cost. As stated she would agree to splitting the equity but the sticking points are:

Costs associated with releasing this equity. If she sells, then ££££'s in costs and estate agent fees etc have not been including in the 50/50 split.
Handing over part of her hard earned pension pot to someone who is in a better position financially

Soundgirlrocks

Comms69 wrote: »

I was wondering what was unfair about 50/50, and I still am

Give (from what we are told) the father has very little interest in the child /childcare I think 50/50 is unfair as the non resident parent he can continue his career unencumbered, whilst the mother juggles working with being a sole parent. I highly doubt any child maintenance payments will cover the cost of childcare.