Divorce and pensions sharing

AdeleLisa

I spent 80% of the time on my own! I had a major operation in 2012 and the evening I came home from hospital he went out with all his friends. I couldn’t even walk to get myself up to bed so I sat on the sofa in agony just waiting.
He has very strange ways
We argued towards the end and my health got worse and no more was I able to stand up for myself so I became very weak! But since we have split up we have become good friends. I’ve had to beg for his help though as I lost everything over night! I went into council accommodation and even if I had a food voucher I couldn’t go and collect the food as I’m laid up in bed with two prolapsed discs so I just lay in bed hungry. So two weeks ago my husband had a Tesco delivery for me but the food has all gone now. He said don’t ask for anymore help as he is broke so I’m in a bad situation!
Very fed up with the hand I’ve been dealt

Dox

AdeleLisa wrote: »

Yes.......... your absolutely right!! He is trying to keep me sweet! I’ve thought it for a long time now. If you were the one who left because you thought of him as an older brother, you're lucky - not many men could cope with that
We aren’t divorced yet, we got together in 2000 and married 2006 and split up in 2016,

I’ve no private pension due to being unable to work through I’ll health.
His salary whilst I was married to him was £61,000. And I gues his employer paid a percentage into it as it was a company pension. I do know it’s worth a lot of money. How do you know that? How much is it worth?
If he’s buying a property in France on retirement then there’s the proof Do a bit of googling and you'll soon see just how cheap property can be in France, he has no savings of which I know for a fact.
He joined the company in 2005,
My husband is 61 so I know he is getting ready to retire by the way he talks, I’m just fed up because I worked up until 2010 and with my salary I bought all the furniture, food and paid half the rent and I was only on £28,000 I never thought it was fair Bit late in the day to start moaning - the time to address this sort of issue is before it becomes an insuperable problemalso because him being on 61k would pay the same amount of rent than me so I would end up with no money, where as my ex would book holidays abroad and because I couldn’t afford to pay for my ticket he would leave me at home.
He sent me a text not long ago saying about moving to France, I replied saying that he was very lucky as I will never have that opportunity, he replied saying “ he can only go if I don’t spoil it for him and get my hands on his pension first Maybe stop posting so much personal information here in case it identifies you both?

So I’m a little fed up with how he is going about things. I know he has never wanted to divorce me as he knows what could happen

Isn't it time you had a proper conversation with him about your current situation and the future? Letting off steam to strangers won't actually help anything, least of all your immediate financial and health issues.

lisyloo

I would urge caution.
He has certainly not been fair to you, but alienating him may be a bad move i.e. he just disappears to France and makes it very difficult for you to get your share.
I personally doubt he has a fortune. Even if he had a gold-plated 35% contribution this would still be around £200K which is not a fortune even for one person when split over 25-30 years.
The sensible thing to do if indeed you can't divorce until 2021 is to keep him on side to at least have his French address.

Did you not forsee any need to have your own personal pension when you were working before 2010?

I'm happily married and have been for 20 years, but planning for other outcomes (hopefully remote) does figure in our planning. For example our LTD company is split 51%/49% to prevent issues.

kangoora

I think you need to take legal advice and go and talk to a divorce solicitor. There is plenty of well-meaning advice here but, as far as I know, none of them are a practicing solicitor.

It certainly doesn't sound like he will be interested in a 'conversation' with you and, noting my first paragraph, I would take legal advice BEFORE doing this.

Just being 'asked' not to interrupt his dream retirement by 'getting your hands on his pension' rings alarm bells. Typically, in a marriage of more than 5 years, the starting basis is 50/50 of assets but could be adjusted in a divorce settlement. Whether assets gained before the marriage are excluded would be another conversation with your solicitor.

Best of luck with whatever you decide and the outcome

lisyloo

I am not a solicitor but you can easily look up the grounds for divorce without paying a solicitor e.g. the link provided.
I would review that list but it sounds to me like you cannot divorce until 2021 but there might be things you haven’t said.

The biggest risk I see is him dissapearing to another country.
Again I’m not a solicitor but I’m sure you’ll find it a lot harder to get money from someone if he cannot be traced.

[Deleted User]

Well this has made me rather angry on behalf of your ex tbh and its illustrates a reason not to get married.


Your ex seems like a decent man and has helped where he can, never mind keeping you sweet , maybe he just cares.


Why should he lose his dreams and pension for which he has worked hard just because you can't get your life together. You are an adult and as such should have the resources and wherewithall to take care of yourself.


this is not a long term marriage in the great scheme of things and there don't appear to be dependant children so what have you done / achieved in your adult life to look after yourself financially ?

LHW99

If you would worry about the costs of a solicitor, why not try the citizens advice bureau to talk things through? They would be able to put an unbiased point of view on everything, in confidence.

lisyloo

BBH123 wrote: »

Well this has made me rather angry on behalf of your ex tbh and its illustrates a reason not to get married.

It illustrates the pitfalls of not resolving issues when they arise I.e, working at the marriage and also the pitfalls of poor financial planning (no pensions provision, no long term sickness insurance.
Many women, married women in particular don’t think about their own pension provision enough.

Your ex seems like a decent man and has helped where he can, never mind keeping you sweet , maybe he just cares.

He may care but there is definitely evidence of an agenda to Manipulate her not to go for his pension.

Why should he lose his dreams and pension for which he has worked hard just because you can't get your life together. You are an adult and as such should have the resources and wherewithall to take care of yourself.

When people marry they agree to share and support each other.
That works both ways.
Did he tell her she needed her own pension provision or long term sickness insurance? Looks like he didn’t.
Financial planning for a couple is a JOINT responsibility not something done in isolation.
Did he agree to share his worldly goods in sickness and in health -yes he did.

this is not a long term marriage in the great scheme of things and there don't appear to be dependant children so what have you done / achieved in your adult life to look after yourself financially ?

The financial split would take into account the length of the marriage and any assets before and during.
Women very often support men in higher paid careers in various way not just childcare.
She did work when she was well but doesn’t appear to have made any pension provision or taken any long term sickness insurance.


Bit harsh to kick someone when they are down.
She’s only asking for what she’s entitled to.
Unfortunately I don’t believe she’s entitled to a divorce (on the infor provided).

blues

The pension will not solve your problems though, as you won't be able to access the money until you're at least 55.

It also depends how much you value his friendship and current help, as once you go for his pension, I'm sure you will lose this.

LHW99

It also depends how much you value his friendship and current help, as once you go for his pension, I'm sure you will lose this.

Whilst this may be true, there are occasions when apparent friendship / help may not actually be altruistic, it may deliberately be done to make it harder for the other party to cut loose - ie there may be "controlling behaviour". Its not something that can really be commented on easily here.