Elderly parent overspending

polgara

Wonder if anyone can advise - I 'help' my mother with her finances but don't have power of attorney or anything like that. She is an alcoholic (don't know if she is still drinking at the moment though) with a chronic lung condition (heavy, heavy smoker)


She has a healthy income from her occupational pension, survivor pension benefits and attendance allowance but since stopping drinking her spending has escalated to a ridiculous level.


I did block her cards at one point about 6 months ago and cleared her credit card balance and authorised and unauthorised overdrafts and warned her I can't keep doing that as I have financial issues myself.


My brother did keep her debit card for a period and gave her a weekly sum, but she contacted her banking and got issued with a new card and is now racking up the spending back to how she was 6 months ago. I have had to cut all direct contact with her as it was making me ill worrying about money. I've spoken to social services who have done an assessment and they say she has capacity but this is so out of character (well how she has been for as long as I can remember anyway) and that poor decision making isn't lacking capacity.


Does anyone know when a bank would start stopping paying things like direct debits etc? This is causing me so much stress that it is making me so ill.

lincroft1710

Banks can stop paying DDs when there are no funds to cover them or an overdraft facility has been exceeded. Many banks will advise their customers when this situation happens or is about to happen.

Your mother's finances are not your responsibility, if you and/or your brother keep bailing her out, she will never change her habits.

marcarm

As above, if your mum wants to spend all her money on cigarettes and football stickers, then that's her prerogative.

While it's understandable you care, getting stressed over someone else's money issues is not healthy

kazwookie

Apart from being your mother, her spending habits are nothing to do with you.

DO NOT pay off any more debts / offer her money etc.

polgara

Thanks everyone - I know it’s not my responsibility but I have social services contacting me re her alert pendant and carer fees plus I pay her satellite/broadband and she’d normally pay me back. I’m in the awful situation of either get myself into debt or cancel her telephone line which means her pendant alert won’t work.

She really is her own worst enemy.

thorsoak

Is your worry that she is eating into capital that she has saved over the years? Why should she not do so? I'm speaking as a 75 year old - and as long as I can pay my bills, what I do with the rest of my money has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else.

ka7e

My husband suffers from mixed dementia and, with hindsight, irrational spending was probably his first symptom. He compulsively bought items on Ebay (often duplicating things he already had) that he would not have bought if he'd had to hand over hard cash. He would have passed all the usual cognitive tests, but his spending plus other small character changes indicate he was probably suffering minor TIAs. Most medical experts recognise that progressive poor decision-making can be a marker for diminishing capacity.

Les79

thorsoak wrote: »

Is your worry that she is eating into capital that she has saved over the years? Why should she not do so? I'm speaking as a 75 year old - and as long as I can pay my bills, what I do with the rest of my money has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else.

That is, in my opinion, a very valid point of view (though a bit selfish in one respect if you deprive your dependants of capital, though you are entitled to do so).


OP's situation seems to be more about actually FUNDING said lifestyle to an extent. Paying off debts for the mother, and paying for otherwise "normal" bills for the mother (satellite/broadband). Probably more akin to you blowing your capital, then running up a few credit cards and then knocking on the door of your children for bailouts.


OP, I would seek out alcohol/smoking support groups if I were you. I have gambling problems (under control), but I know that GA (which is what I use) have something called "Gamanon" which is aimed at family members of people who have gambling problems. Pretty sure there will be something similar for you like.

polgara

I really couldn’t care less if she spent every penny (except would like not to have to borrow money to bury her) IF she had the money.
She basically ‘gets’ £1700 a month but is now spending £300+ a week which doesn’t leave enough for bills - council tax, carers, the umpteen insurance cover policies she keeps signing up for etc.

I paid off £1500 about 3 months ago but my partner isn’t working at the moment due to ill health and isn’t eligible for benefits so I can just about cover everything for us.

Unfortunately I’ve direct experience of dealing with someone in a manic spending spree and whilst I’m not suggesting it’s that it’s pretty unlike how she was for as long as I can remember. She got kicked off her long standing gp practice a few years ago so her new gp says that because she passes their capacity tests that everything is ok when the old gp would have asked a few more questions.

I have suggested she sell her house and rent but tbh the state she has the house in at the moment would put any buyer off. Unless my brother and I could replace the stained carpets (you don’t want to know what stained with) and ensure bathroom was immaculate (it’s generally not) but someone chain smoking 40+ a day doesn’t make for a lovely interior no matter what we do.

Mojisola

polgara wrote: »

She has a healthy income from her occupational pension, survivor pension benefits and attendance allowance

polgara wrote: »

I have social services contacting me re her alert pendant and carer fees plus I pay her satellite/broadband and she’d normally pay me back.

I’m in the awful situation of either get myself into debt or cancel her telephone line which means her pendant alert won’t work.

Could you get a lump sum to cover these expenses from her in advance every month so that you can pay them with her money?

Set up a SO so that the money comes out of her account as soon as it arrives?

ska_lover

How about if, one of you went round on the day she got her money - and sat with her and paid all her bills there and then - leaving her with what is left.

It is possible to cancel direct debits and pay bills at a date of the month to suit you - almost everywhere has an app or website you can log into and pay the monthly amount there and then, so it is gone, and it can be forgotton about til next month. Sometimes it is easier to do it like that, if a person gets their money on a different date each month. The suppliers don't mind, as long as they get paid on time

I am sure you have tried this, but it is my only offering I am afraid

I hope you get it sorted