Funeral costs for estranged parent

Bensonhead

Ok, bit of a long one. I saw there was another post about an estranged parent's funeral but this seems to be a little bit of a different scenario.

I have been estranged from my Father for some 13 years, although one of my brothers still saw him from time to time. He passed away last week and it is time to arrange his funeral. As far as we are aware he had nothing that any sensible person would have - no life insurance or pre-paid funeral plan etc. I also don't think he had any money to speak of really. He split with a long term partner with whom he apparently had a relatively stable existence early in 2018.

The basic quoted costs from the funeral director that has been appointed are coming in at circa £3k. My brother is offering to put it on a 0% credit card, but I can't conscionably allow that - he works for the NHS and him and his wife are looking to sell and buy a new house this year, at the same time taking on a bulk of this cost would put a dent in my and my husbands savings, especially as I have just started maternity leave (with a baby due in 10 days). I don't want him to have a paupers funeral, nor my brother to shoulder the burden, nor do I especially want to pay the costs. State assistance with funeral costs seem limited to those receiving benefits, which we are not but I wondered if there were any other routes or options.

Please no judgement on the relationship etc, this is obviously a bit of a difficult time.

Silvertabby

My sympathies. Regardless of your relationship, he was still your father.

Did your brother just get a quote, or has he signed a contract with the funeral director? If the latter, then he will be personally responsible for the fees.

I'm assuming from what you have said that your father didn't own any property, but did he have any money in a bank account? Could he have any pension benefits due? Unless he was well past retirement age, and has therefore already accessed his benefits, it may be worth checking with his employer(s) (past and to date).

As a last resort, rather then go into debt, then at least look at a (horribly named) public health funeral. Depending on where the funeral is to take place, you may be allowed some input into the service. The only thing you won't be able to do, as far as I'm aware, is put a headstone on the grave.

Flugelhorn

It is difficult and people do understand - this has happened at a very difficult time for you with baby on the way and inevitably reflecting on the past .

I think the costs that you have been quoted are a little high - are they adding on various extras for that? Might be worth checking - there is no need for extra cars / flowers (get your own), service sheets etc etc

Is there anything in father's account? - could go towards the costs

Yorkshireman99

Bensonhead wrote: »

Ok, bit of a long one. I saw there was another post about an estranged parent's funeral but this seems to be a little bit of a different scenario.

I have been estranged from my Father for some 13 years, although one of my brothers still saw him from time to time. He passed away last week and it is time to arrange his funeral. As far as we are aware he had nothing that any sensible person would have - no life insurance or pre-paid funeral plan etc. I also don't think he had any money to speak of really. He split with a long term partner with whom he apparently had a relatively stable existence early in 2018.

The basic quoted costs from the funeral director that has been appointed are coming in at circa £3k. My brother is offering to put it on a 0% credit card, but I can't conscionably allow that - he works for the NHS and him and his wife are looking to sell and buy a new house this year, at the same time taking on a bulk of this cost would put a dent in my and my husbands savings, especially as I have just started maternity leave (with a baby due in 10 days). I don't want him to have a paupers funeral, nor my brother to shoulder the burden, nor do I especially want to pay the costs. State assistance with funeral costs seem limited to those receiving benefits, which we are not but I wondered if there were any other routes or options.

Please no judgement on the relationship etc, this is obviously a bit of a difficult time.

The local authority will pay. You do NOT have to pay.

Malthusian

If there's no money in the estate and neither of you want to pay extra for a funeral, then I would respect your father's wishes and leave the local authority to sort it out.

If your brother does want to put himself £3,000 in debt to pay for a fancier funeral, then he doesn't need you to allow him to. But likewise you have no responsibility, legal or moral, to chip in.

I don't want him to have a paupers funeral, nor my brother to shoulder the burden, nor do I especially want to pay the costs.

Assuming there's no money in the estate or anyone else willing to pay, these wants are not compatible. Which do you want least?

Mojisola

Bensonhead wrote: »

I don't want him to have a paupers funeral

A funeral paid for by the council or the NHS is a very respectful event and the family and friends can attend, just as if they had organised it themselves.

Undervalued

Mojisola wrote: »

A funeral paid for by the council or the NHS is a very respectful event and the family and friends can attend, just as if they had organised it themselves.

I appreciate this is a very delicate area but if the relatives are not willing to pay for a funeral (as is their right) to what extent are / should they have any say about its format?

That is slightly different from those who are genuinely unable to afford the cost, although how the state should fairly judge who is "unable" is quite another matter.

There is another thread on here about "direct cremation". OK, this is slightly different as it generally chosen by the deceased or their family because they do not want a ceremony.

All raises some fundamental questions....

Mojisola

Mojisola wrote: »

A funeral paid for by the council or the NHS is a very respectful event and the family and friends can attend, just as if they had organised it themselves.

Undervalued wrote: »

I appreciate this is a very delicate area but if the relatives are not willing to pay for a funeral (as is their right) to what extent are / should they have any say about its format?

That is slightly different from those who are genuinely unable to afford the cost, although how the state should fairly judge who is "unable" is quite another matter.

The ones I've been to were not organised by the family - that was done by the FD to a standard format - but family and friends attended.

Yorkshireman99

Undervalued wrote: »

I appreciate this is a very delicate area but if the relatives are not willing to pay for a funeral (as is their right) to what extent are / should they have any say about its format?

That is slightly different from those who are genuinely unable to afford the cost, although how the state should fairly judge who is "unable" is quite another matter.

There is another thread on here about "direct cremation". OK, this is slightly different as it generally chosen by the deceased or their family because they do not want a ceremony.

All raises some fundamental questions....

If the local authority are paying then they organise it and the family have no say in the matter. If the family or friends want control then they have to foot the bill.

Marcon

Clear, matter of fact explanation about public health funerals: https://www.funeralzone.co.uk/help-resources/arranging-a-funeral/what-is-a-paupers-funeral-public-health-funerals-explained

-taff

Undervalued wrote: »

That is slightly different from those who are genuinely unable to afford the cost, although how the state should fairly judge who is "unable" is quite another matter.

This is not relevant. It's the estate of the deceased that bears the cost, not the relatives, so saying that it is 'slightly different' is misdirection and insinuating that the relatives have an obligaton to pay themselves is false. They don't.