In a mess, need some perspective, SOA

System · 31 January 2019 at 11:29AM

You have a 18 yr old and 21 year old living with you and not only do they live rent free, not contribute to food, you run a car for them...sounds like they are bleeding you dry.

System · 31 January 2019 at 11:46AM

theoretica wrote: »

If your husband is working full time does he realise how much less he is making than minimum wage? Would be be better off looking for salaried employment? From April, minimum wage on 38 hours a week will give £1200 take home. Something to think about, especially if he is currently working long hours.

Yeah - some people just won't work for others. Stubborness really.

EssexHebridean · 31 January 2019 at 12:03PM

andydownes123 wrote: »

You have a 18 yr old and 21 year old living with you and not only do they live rent free, not contribute to food, you run a car for them...sounds like they are bleeding you dry.

There is some context here earlier in the thread, and the OP is already aware that they do need to take a tougher line on this going forwards.

andydownes123 wrote: »

Yeah - some people just won't work for others. Stubborness really.

This is straying into the territory of being both speculative & judgemental. One of the best ways of getting him fully onside might be to get him to read this thread, but comments like that won't be in the least bit helpful if she does!

System · 31 January 2019 at 1:08PM

EssexHebridean wrote: »

There is some context here earlier in the thread, and the OP is already aware that they do need to take a tougher line on this going forwards.

This is straying into the territory of being both speculative & judgemental. One of the best ways of getting him fully onside might be to get him to read this thread, but comments like that won't be in the least bit helpful if she does!

My speculation is based upon years of experience of these people. Some people just can't/won't work as an employee despite the signs that their business is not a business really. I'm sorry, one is not really 'in business' if their business does not provide even the bare minimum of income, not even close to the living wage. If OP's partner was really interested, he would be supplimenting his income until his 'business' was providing sufficiently.

YORKSHIRELASS · 31 January 2019 at 1:57PM

Helping the kids is a difficult one. DS1 is very driven and has a dream in life, he worked really hard at his apprenticeship working outside in all weathers and giving up time to study. To be able to do this though he had to have a car and expensive equipment and I don't regret helping him at all. What I do regret is not planning for this.

Likewise with DS2 he wanted to do A Levels which he could only do at college 25 miles away and we agreed to help with travel. He is out of the house for 11 hours a day and has been really committed to this.

Neither of them ask for anything, both buy clothes second hand and manage on very little money. They both know that from here on they can't rely on us financially though. I suppose in some ways all of this is irrelevant because what's done is done and what I need is a plan going forward.

EssexHebridean · 31 January 2019 at 1:57PM

andydownes123 wrote: »

My speculation is based upon years of experience of these people. Some people just can't/won't work as an employee despite the signs that their business is not a business really. I'm sorry, one is not really 'in business' if their business does not provide even the bare minimum of income, not even close to the living wage. If OP's partner was really interested, he would be supplimenting his income until his 'business' was providing sufficiently.

It's really not for us, on here, to make judgement in that way though. As I say, it would have been really valuable for the OP to be able to sit down with her husband and get him to read the thread - but now that would almost certainly be counter productive.

From what she has said at the moment he's not had his "lightbulb moment" - and one thing we know after years of experience on here is that if that hasn't happened, all the figures, rationality and logic in the world won't make someone realise there is a problem. The risk is that if we start being judgemental - particularly when we don't actually have facts, just opinion, to base that on, we risk frightening off not only the OP in the particular thread, but also others who might read it while in a similar position, then think "I'm not posting there if they're going to jump to conclusions about my OH like that!" There are multiple ways to skin the proverbial cat, and it is sometimes better to wait until facts are established before assuming and going for a character assassination.

getmore4less · 31 January 2019 at 2:12PM

You done good getting the kids to where they are.

When I look back I realised the sacrifices my parents had to get us to where we are today just ran out of time to pay them back.

You are right it is how to move forward.
If needed you can still support them there are options to stretch your money but for now if they can manage and you can find that extra income you will get on top of this quite quickly.

I think there is a good plan in there that will have you debt free and mortgage free potentially before you are 52/53.

That is a lot sooner than may people targets for their mortgages.

EssexHebridean · 31 January 2019 at 2:22PM

That's a good point from gm4l above - there are so many different ways of supporting them - emotionally of course but also in terms of financial support, one of the best things you might be able to do for them right now is to be very open and frank about your current situation, how it came about, how distressing you are finding it and also how you're going about dealing with it. That will give them such a great grounding in the reasons not to get in to debt, and also budgeting.

Also on the mortgage thing - you ARE in a good position, if worst came to worst, and you didn't quite manage to get it all paid off by the end of the current term, you wouldn't have to take a very long remortgage to get the last bit gone, and you'd be in a good position to get accepted for that as you'll have "time in hand" on your age for that if needed too.

YORKSHIRELASS · 31 January 2019 at 6:20PM

Thanks all. DH and I are going to sit down together on Saturday and go through it all so we can make a firm plan. DH admits that he is very good at making things but not so good with numbers so a) I don't think he really understands the situation and b) he is in denial and is scared to face it. DS1 has said that he intends to contribute to this plan and we are praying for good news when he goes to the hospital again in a couple of weeks.

There is a real possibility that we could be free of all debt in 5 years and that's what I am holding on to. All advice given has been useful, I am glad I posted up the SOA.

Unicorn_cottage · 31 January 2019 at 8:33PM

Another thing we are forgetting and another motivating force for the OP is that this isn't forever. If the financial strategy is followed through then the OP will be in fantastic financial shape very soon and then ALL their money will be theirs to do as they wish. Woo hoo!