Discovering someone is unlikely to be able to have children

amandada

First off, this isn't about me, and I really don't want anyone affected by this to feel hurt/upset by my bringing this up.

Last night I had a lovely girly get together with my sister and a couple of our younger cousins. Out of the 4 of us, only my sister and I have children.
When we were in general conversation, suddenly my youngest cousin (she's 22) welled up with tears and was very upset.

It turns out that this week, after a lot of years of problems, she was told (in a pretty abrupt manner) that it's highly unlikely she'll ever be able to have children. Obviously we were all pole-axed and very upset/sad.

We talked and hugged and cried - with my 3 sheets to the wind sister saying things like "it'll be ok so and so friend was told the same, she now has twins" etc....which really wasn't a comfort to my cousin's raw emotional state.
I didn't say much, other than along the lines of "it's maybe better to know at 22 than 32" and that she obviously won't be feeling like this now, but having children is not the be all and end all in life and in time if the children thing isn't going to happen for her, then there are other different things she'll do with her life, but I appreciated that maybe wasn't what she wanted to hear.

I'm at a total loss as to how to handle this...did I do ok with the kind of things I was saying to her? Is there another better way to speak about it (if she does want to speak about it)-HELP!!

I think part of the reason I feel so sad about it is that last night was the first time the 4 of us had got together as "equals" as adults, as the age range between us is so vast-my sister's 41, I'm 37, cousin no1 is 27 and J, the "baby" is 22, and it's great to be able to get together like this because we WANTED to, rather than because it was a family occasion or something.

I'm rambling now, but anyone's thoughts/advice would be much appreciated

liz105

how did she find out? is she trying for a baby? are things like IVF and adoption etc out of the equation for her? Even if I didnt want kids, (Im 23 and I do) being told I couldnt have something would still be very upsetting. If she is very cut up over this perhaps she could seek out some counselling.

isme_2

i was told at 16 i wouldnt be able to have children. I now have 3.. tell her not to give up, but have fun trying...

amandada

liz105 wrote: »

how did she find out? is she trying for a baby? are things like IVF and adoption etc out of the equation for her? Even if I didnt want kids, (Im 23 and I do) being told I couldnt have something would still be very upsetting. If she is very sut up over this perhaps she could seek out some counselling.

She's had period problems since she was about 14 so this has come about after these problems. She's not trying to conceive, and says herself she'd not want to for a few years, but like you say, it's the being told you can have something that makes you feel the want more keenly

misty

I think you did ok saying what you said - it's difficult to know what to say - she's going to be very upset no matter what was said. i think that being available to listen to her is more important to her at this stage - and insttead of being embarressed and saying nothing. Let her lead the way in what she wants to say.

If she has only just found out then she needs time to come to terms with it - and counseling is an option.

In the future ( and how long in the future is up to her ) she may consider having children via other routes - ivf (if poss) adoption etc but she obviously needs time to accept what she has been told about having children naturally.

It may, in the future, be some consolation to her to have found out early and be able to consider alternative means of motherhood - rather than being in her late thirties and finding out then when time is pressing on. However, I'm sure at this stage she won't find that much comfort.

She obviously has a loving and supportive family and that will help her too.

affordmylife

yes you did ok.

thing is she is upset so at the moment nothing will really help.

there may be avenues open to her that she hasnt explored yet.

all is not lost. many people indeed do have children many years after being told they cannot.

dont forget that at 22 she is still very young. in twenty years time who knows what medical advances there might be and she would still be young enough to give it a try.

id say enjoy life and see what options it brings once she has met her life partner.

narabanekeater

Do you know why she has been told this or what medics think is wrong with her?
There are many ways and means nowadays that simply were not around years ago
If you knew what Drs think is wrong with her you could look into this yourself
Something I will say is DRs are never 100% right. I was told in Jan this year id never have a baby
My son is due on xmas day. To say we were shocked was an understatement. Sometimes nature knows best

amandada

narabanekeater wrote: »

If you knew what Drs think is wrong with her you could look into this yourself
Something I will say is DRs are never 100% right. I was told in Jan this year id never have a baby
My son is due on xmas day. To say we were shocked was an understatement. Sometimes nature knows best

Congratulations-that's wonderful for you, and it gives hope for so many people

Thanks everyone for your advice-it's very much appreciated x

daveyjp

My wife was told this in 2000. It was tough, but we made the decision that it was for a reason so we decided to enjoy life to the full. Imagine our surprise when in August 2005 my wife tested positive for pregnancy and we now have an 18 month old.

I'm not saying this happens to everyone, but I believe our acceptance of the situation helped smooth the way when telling others. We became friends with another couple in 2003 and were baybysitters for their daughter. She asked why we had no children and was really upset when we told them about the situation, but once she realised we had accepted it she became relaxed about it. I can still recall her face when I told her my wife was pregnant - she dropped to her chair and burst out crying!

MadDogWoman_2

Hi Amandada,

I completely feel for your cousin. I was 23 when I found out it would be difficult if not impossible for me to have children.

Let your cousin lead the way, she will be going through a grieving process, so expect anger - I exploded one New Year fuelled by PMT culminating in me almost running my brother over!

So just be there for her with the wine, tissues and cuddles.

I won't bore you with my story as it may be the last thing your cousin wants to here - I certainly got frustrated by them.

HTH

MDW

LuciferTDark

amandada can you do me a favour?

can you tell your cousin from me that doctors don't always know what they're talking about.

My wife was told she might never have kids when she was 24, but we now have 2 sons aged 14 & 18, doctors are not the total experts they make themselves out to be.