Marriage/finances/mess

Les79

Clouds88 wrote: »

BUT he blew/gambled his student loan in September and I forgave him he swore he wouldn’t do it again and I cracked down on his spending and gave him an allowance each month until January. (My earnings cover all out outgoings and I take responsibility for all of the rent ect) anyway I told him to make sure he budgets so he can still take the girls places and put a top up shop ect with his student loan and he blew £1,000 on gambling again in a shop this time.

He tried to lie to me about how much he received and then tried to cover up the gambling. I self excluded him online last year and thought that was that.

I think others have commented on this aspect, but I want to address it.


I'm addicted to gambling. I've blown many a wage on gambling and been bailed out many times by many partners and family members. I don't mean to do it, and I know I hurt people. But it is just how I cope with things. It is how I'm wired.


But I actually go to GA meetings regularly now and I haven't blown my wage recently. It takes a tremendous amount of effort for me to NOT gamble and go to meetings. But since going I've had the best years of my adult life.


I would recommend that you:


- Field the idea of GA to your partner.


- Look into whether there is a local "Gamanon" meeting which YOU can attend.


Individual tools on its own (barring online/from bookies) are good, but not always the long term solution

Clouds88

That’s good to know thanks Les. I think he’s struggling with the embarrassment of it all, he’s tried to hide his mistakes to me as he knows he’s massively screwed up. I think he needs some sort of help but now we are going to go down the route of private counselling maybe that will help?

My finances are separate in a sense that I now budget well and all of the bills/rent go out of my account so everything is covered. If he were to leave then financially it would be no problem for me and the kids.

Uni- eugh such a mess. He needs to complete his last placement and do his dissertation and that’s it, he’s passed everything else. We will have to pay for that though as he’s had his standard 3 years of uni plus one (he started a degree when he was 18 but dropped out I don’t want to say what for incase it identity’s him but it wasn’t his fault). He now says he doesn’t care about anything, he hates the degree he’s in- but it could be more the depression talking than his actual thoughts. The OU might be a good shout if once he’s in a better place, he really doesn’t want to return. I don’t care what job he does. I don’t mind if he just wants to work in a minimum wage job doing something he actually likes. I’d rather have a fully functioning happy husband!! I’m part time atm, as my youngest is only 3 but happy to move to full time when she’s in school, my salary should be 35K plus unsociable hours so we would be fine with him in any job. I don’t want a lavish lifestyle.

Going forward I think we need to start the counselling ASAP, I’ve told him he needs to chose one over the weekend so we can contact them Monday and then hopefully if that improves his mood we can tackle the gambling/uni. He’s got no money now, his phone has been cut off and I said I’m not paying it. He’s got a massive perfume collection so he’s going to put some things on eBay to sell to pay for them.

Thanks for listening

kezzygirl

I think it's admirable you want to help him and support him. I'm unsure though where he is helping himself? You are supporting him financially to study, he is fully aware he does not want to do the degree yet has spent all of the student loan. He's having a bit of an easy ride isn't He? Partner working her butt off and paying all bills for him,. As an adult he needs to take some responsibility, but it's about whether you are in that frame of mind or wanting to keep bailing him out despite him lying to your face time and again.

Clouds88

I definitely agree Kezzygirl, and why it’s so hard to know what to do. I don’t want to give him ‘an easy ride’ but I don’t buy him anything other than food? He says he really wants to get help and has chosen a counsellor today and has spoken to an agency to get some work (along the lines of a job he did previously) so he has started to try.

But yeah it’s the lies that really upset me, I’m quite an honest person, I’ve never lied about anything and he can seem to lie so easily to me. I have said one more time and it’s over, and I think he knows I mean it.

BrassicWoman

Your first priority is the children.


Who else does he have in his support network? Siblings? Parents? You mention dad. Sounds like you could use someone else supporting him, as you have a lot on your plate aready. Can he live with his parents while he gets straight?


PS it takes 5 mins to list things on ebay - has he done this?

Les79

Clouds88 wrote: »

That’s good to know thanks Les. I think he’s struggling with the embarrassment of it all, he’s tried to hide his mistakes to me as he knows he’s massively screwed up. I think he needs some sort of help but now we are going to go down the route of private counselling maybe that will help?

Give it a shot, see how it goes


Counselling is likely to help YOU TWO, but there's a possibility that his problems are very much internal and need to be
addressed by him (hence GA and gamanon for you).

Uni- eugh such a mess. He needs to complete his last placement and do his dissertation and that’s it, he’s passed everything else. We will have to pay for that though as he’s had his standard 3 years of uni plus one (he started a degree when he was 18 but dropped out I don’t want to say what for incase it identity’s him but it wasn’t his fault). He now says he doesn’t care about anything, he hates the degree he’s in- but it could be more the depression talking than his actual thoughts.

Are there any red flags in regards to something more serious here? I may be totally wrong, but there's a possibility that he has royally screwed up in some other way and is keeping something from you here..


I may be totally wrong so take my post with a pinch of salt.

I’d rather have a fully functioning happy husband!!

Well, "for better or worse" is a part of your vows I believe.... ? We'd all love a "fully functioning" husband/wife, but life happens! And believe it or not but gambling is actually classed as an illness these days (potentially a bit of a soft definition, but I'm not complaining more so because I help fellow gambling addicts weekly).

He’s got no money now, his phone has been cut off and I said I’m not paying it. He’s got a massive perfume collection so he’s going to put some things on eBay to sell to pay for them.

Thanks for listening

Maybe offer to take control of his money for a while, so he can sort out his bills and ensure that his phone isn't cut off?


PS, I'm not a fan of you saying "I'm not paying it" with regards to your husband. Should realistically be a joint endeavour....



Anyways, good luck with it all