Marriage/finances/mess

Clouds88

Hello,

I just don’t really know what to think/who to ask for advice, I don’t want to talk to my family about this.

So basically my husband has suffered from depression previously treated successfully with CBT 7 years ago. About a year ago he got put on anti Depressants after suffering low mood/anger for at least 6 months prior to seeking help. To do with the depression, he’s not any better if not worse but has finally self referred to a service that offers telephone counselling and he’s got a new anti D to try.

Finances, he was suppose to go back to uni in October to finish his degree but got sacked from work a year ago won’t go into that and then we sold one car and only lived with one and he told uni and they have to hold
Meeting before he can go back ect anyway he’s getting his student loan as we are in limbo and not sure wether he should just go to work (he’s actually since got an interview and place on an agency pending references)
BUT he blew/gambled his student loan in September and I forgave him he swore he wouldn’t do it again and I cracked down on his spending and gave him an allowance each month until January. (My earnings cover all out outgoings and I take responsibility for all of the rent ect) anyway I told him to make sure he budgets so he can still take the girls places and put a top up shop ect with his student loan and he blew £1,000 on gambling again in a shop this time.

He tried to lie to me about how much he received and then tried to cover up the gambling. I self excluded him online last year and thought that was that. I just don’t know what to do, should I stay and try and help him or is he just treating me like a mug and I should leave? Hes covered up secret debt before and can lie quite easily unlike me. If I make him leave he’s got nothing, no income, car,.. he’s a great dad and I do love him but not sure how much !!!! I can take. I’m the one with a steady decent job and I’m fed up of holding everything together. If you made it to the end well done lok

KatrinaWaves

If he doesnt go back to Uni his student loan could become immediately repayable as he isnt a student, so this is only going to cause more problems. Why can;t he go back to Uni? Why do they need to hold a meeting?

Its up to you, but he is gambling money, not seeking help for his gambling, and I can only assume by your tone that he lost his job through his own actions... and I can only assume there is something dodgy stopping him returning to Uni.

What future do you see with him?

Clouds88

I just didn’t want to go into too much detail because I don’t want him being identified. He lost his job due to side effects of the medicine he started taking a week before due to his depression, his manager could have handled it better tbh as he had worked there over a decade and he was honest with the uni about what had happened as he wanted a placement closer to home and they said they’d have to go back to a suitability panel and that was November and they never got back to him. He’s tried to phone/email, albeit he hasn’t tried that hard as he’s struggling with his low mood ect

KatrinaWaves

Clouds88 wrote: »

I just didn’t want to go into too much detail because I don’t want him being identified. He lost his job due to side effects of the medicine he started taking a week before due to his depression, his manager could have handled it better tbh as he had worked there over a decade and he was honest with the uni about what had happened as he wanted a placement closer to home and they said they’d have to go back to a suitability panel and that was November and they never got back to him. He’s tried to phone/email, albeit he hasn’t tried that hard as he’s struggling with his low mood ect

Rigth I see, the work placement and uni go hand in hand, you need one for the other.

If he is actively seeking treatment both for his mental health AND his gambling (which he really needs to do) then thats good. only you know what you want to do in your heart.

Remember, he can be a good dad without you being a couple.

Primrose

I sincerely hope he is receiving help and support for his gambling. He won't succeed on his own, especially in his low depressed state.

I think it might help if you sat sown quietly on your own and wrote down a list of lines in the sand which might come into force for you to feel you can no longer continue In this relationship and then sit down and discuss them with him

If he has let you down before gambling away his student loan you have to recognise he,s not in a good place as far as self control is concerned. And he needs to cut up his credit card. Are your finances linked? If so Unlink them immediately.

Addiction of any form is very hard to cure and he's already proved that being a good dad and caring for his children does not stop him pusing his gambling button i think you need to be rather hard headed here. Does he have parents or siblings who can give him moral support?

I suspect the lying about his debt possibly means he is already deeper in debt that you suspect. You need to knock this situation on the head now so he realises exactly what he stands to lose and the reality might sink in if you start packing a few bags and boxes for him. He may only then get the message he will be homeless and broke. It sounds ruthless but sometimes tough love is really the only way that a difficult message will get through and bring somebody to their senses.

(And I speak as somebody who had a close family member who had an addiction which eventually destroyed his marriage, his employment and everything that was worthwhile in his life. ).

I wish you luck. Please just recognise that your owm
mental health and that of your children will also become affected if this situation continues indefinitely so you have a responsibility to them to try and steer this situation in a way that minmalises the damage on them going forward.

SuperPikachu

I'm not really sure how you can stop a gambler without literally taking away every penny they own.

I have been one myself and managed eventually to sort my life out, but I had to really really want it and it was hard too. And I almost slipped back into it multiple times. Ultimately I had to block myself from every site I used and luckily I am far too lazy to go to the shops so after a few months (or more? can't really remember) I stopped obsessing about it all day and was slowly able to forget about wanting to do it all day.

I didn't use any help though, just myself and some self help books, so there are probably other more effective ways to do this.

Clouds88

Thank you for your replies. Re the gambling, he is fine when he doesn’t have money, he can go without it’s the second he has some he tries to make more? Which doesn’t go to plan as he just wastes it all, he has bought stuff added to his phone bill from FIFA too? Apparently, instead of £30 he’s had £160 + phone bills I don’t understand it. He said he won’t do it anymore but how am I suppose to police that? I invited his dad round this morning because it’s getting too much for me to deal with on my own and he thinks he’s severe depressed. We are thinking of trying private counselling to see if that will help.

Without me and the girls he won’t have anything, he doesn’t even have a car at the moment- I think if we can build him back up to being more independent and in work/uni again it’ll be more beneficial to him rather than me just turning my back. As being together as a couple I’m really not sure how I feel. I love him but I feel betrayed, I just couldn’t lie like he does.

Clouds88

Thank you for your replies. Re the gambling, he is fine when he doesn’t have money, he can go without it’s the second he has some he tries to make more? Which doesn’t go to plan as he just wastes it all, he has bought stuff added to his phone bill from FIFA too? Apparently, instead of £30 he’s had £160 + phone bills I don’t understand it. He said he won’t do it anymore but how am I suppose to police that? I invited his dad round this morning because it’s getting too much for me to deal with on my own and he thinks he’s severe depressed. We are thinking of trying private counselling to see if that will help.

Without me and the girls he won’t have anything, he doesn’t even have a car at the moment- I think if we can build him back up to being more independent and in work/uni again it’ll be more beneficial to him rather than me just turning my back. As being together as a couple I’m really not sure how I feel. I love him but I feel betrayed, I just couldn’t lie like he does.

pearl123

How far has he to go with his degree? Is his degree a with a brink university? Would he consider using the OU. Just an idea, as you can study and work at the same time with the OU. The OU allows transfer of points gained.
He sounds like he needs to get real and that's not going to happen if you keep bailing him out like his parent.
I feel sorry for you OP with having to deal with this difficult situation. Addiction, whatever it is can be hard to break.

dawyldthing

You need to make sure you don’t bail him out the debt or he will never learn

You need to make sure finances are separate - esp if you have children

Possibly persuade him to cut the credit card up. If you’ve got TalkTalk you can block all gambling sites at home.

Unless he wants to stop he won’t sadly.

theoretica

He can self exclude from the physical shops too - it isn't perfect but may be worth doing.
He could arrange for future money to come into an account in his name but his dad hold the card so he can't access it.

Gamblers Anonymous have a very good reputation, but as with all the other possible actions he needs to wish to make them.