Will My Husband Ever Find Out If His Father Died?

lees80

The whole story seems off to be totally honest. Very little detail as to what led to the initial disagreement but plenty after. Two sides and all that. 

Savvy_Sue

elsien said:

He could arrange the funeral if he wished, but must not do any more than that. 

And he need not worry if he chooses NOT to arrange the funeral: either the hospital (if that's where he dies) or the local authority will arrange a funeral which will be perfectly 'decent'. 

fallen121

Flugelhorn said:

well remembered Badger - it seems now that the parents must have spent all the money the OP was hoping to spend on Uni education. 

We were told that there was no money but suspected that we weren't getting the full picture. People don't always tell the whole truth about their finances do they? My FIL told my husband that it was "all gone to equity release and other loans" but that last part never rang true with me because  a) he can't have had  the ER all that long when he told my husband about it and b) I always thought that ER was only allowed up to a certain percentage of the house and that when you hear that an entire estate has been swallowed up it's usually because the borrower lived to 103 and it was all eaten up with compound interest. Neither of those things could have been possible when he told his son those things 5 or 6 years ago.

If FIL does eventually die (and it comes to us all eventually) and if there was anything left and Mr F had any entitlement (let's face it, unlikely given what has happened)  it would be nice to have something to contribute to daughter's Uni but there's a lot of "if's" there.

During the course of trying to ascertain if FIL is still alive Mr F's health has deteriorated considerably leading to his current concerns regarding possible executry. He's too young to retire but too ill to work but not entitled to any benefits because I work full time. He feels bad not being able to help out Little Miss F with Uni and with just me working and student rent being £750 pm (this is the cheapest University owned self catering but are hoping to find a cheaper private flat next year) we have to be very frugal to meet the shortfall. Her student loan is just £475 a month and in Scotland you get no bursary if one parent earns £32k or more per month which is a good salary but doesn't leave much left when you have to pay mortgage and council tax and meet a student rent shortfall and pay their travel/clothing/food on top of that (Little Miss F is now looking for student bar work to help out but only started this month as she only turned 18 in January). So we manage but it's tight and anything that came our way would go straight to fund her Uni but judging from what people have said above FIL could die a millionaire and we would never know.

I said that I had been checking if FIL was still alive as worry about executry this making Mr F even more ill and I felt that if I could tell him that I thought he was still alive then he could rest easier for a few months at least. He wasn't aware that it was possible to walk away. He thought that maybe if you renounced the executry the onus was on you to find someone else to deal with it.

During the course of checking for FIL "aliveness" I checked for a house sale as this is usually one of the indicators that someone might have died/gone into a home and found what I thought was a sale but the value was considerably less than what I thought the house would probably be worth in that area. It occurred to me that this might possibly be ER or a secured loan but the date was some years AFTER he had told my husband that everything was "all gone". The only other sale before that was when the house was built and they moved in so unlikely it is a new owner borrowing for home improvements. So presumably whatever the truth was about the equity release FIL claimed to have before he has continued to borrow against the house and there really can't be anything left now. Of course I made the mistake of telling Mr F and then he started worrying about sorting out messes with lots of different creditors. So being able to tell him that he CAN just walk away from this is a huge relief. 

fallen121

lees80 said:

The whole story seems off to be totally honest. Very little detail as to what led to the initial disagreement but plenty after. Two sides and all that. 

If I was going to make up a story, why make up one as complicated as this? Because truth is stranger than fiction, that is why.

If you want to know WHY they disagreed it was because my husband intervened to help his sister when she called him up to ask for a loan and told him that she was about to lose her house. He found her somewhere cheaper to live and helped her make a budget because she said she had been on sick leave for so long she was only on half pay. He even agreed to loan her money. But before he did this he did a quick check online and discovered she had 17 CCJs. Yes, you read that correctly. Mostly from companies in "Southend-on Sea" which we took to be credit cards. We had absolutely no idea things were that bad. Anyway, my husband arranged a conference call with his parents as they had they had been contacted by a work colleague his sister had been staying with (presumably to avoid creditors knocking on the door) and when she kicked her out she discovered a lot of unopened mail in the attic and it was all final demands. His parents had also been lending her money as she had been playing it down and saying she was just late on a few things due because she was on half pay due to being sick. Then the colleague revealed that she had been "let go" several months before and was unemployed and wasn't even on sick leave anymore. She wasn't actually earning anything but was still going on holidays and buying ostentatious gifts at Christmas and birthdays.  Anyway, my husband called up his parents and emailed them screenshots of the CCJ information. My husband's Mum went batshit. Said my husband was making it up, it was all lies. It wasn't credit cards. It was all a misunderstanding. etc. etc.

When the final falling out took place it was in a pub where they had gone for lunch. Totally out of nowhere my husband's Mother started laying into him, saying he was trying to make trouble for his sister by inventing debt troubles that didn't exist, that it was all lies, that by going online to check on her before giving her a loan he was invading her privacy. That he was just making everything worse and CAUSING this. You can't argue with that sort of crazy. He walked away. A few months later the work colleague revealed his sister's house had been repossessed, her car had been repossessed, the Council had found her a flat, she was on benefits. Presumably she explained that away to her parents as some kind of "misunderstanding" as well. Last we heard, they were going down to buy her furniture and a TV and helping to decorate her flat.

SevenOfNine

Sadly, your husband ended up estranged from his parents & sister. The reason is no longer relevant, bitterness, sadness & anger prevailed until the mother's dying day, & continues as far as the father is concerned.

I think it's very safe to say that clearly the parents already had wills in place before this estrangement, so there's not going to be much doubt that those were either replaced, or codicils added, to remove all mention of your husband (& Miss F if she was in it), done many years ago when it was clear both sides had wiped each other from their lives.

The chances that either would inherit even by default, or the slightest possibility that he could be called upon to administer the estate, is negligible. No expectations or worries on either front IMO. In fact, I think it's likely you won't be told when FiL dies either, the scars resulting from whatever happened all those years ago are permanent.

There's a tiny possibility that the mother's estate went to probate (my mum did that when dad died, completely unnecessarily, but the solicitor who stored their wills persuaded her it was a 'good idea). So if your husband now knows date of death he/you could do a free search here with her surname & year of death https://www.gov.uk/search-will-probate nothing to lose & probably nothing to gain either, but no harm in looking.

If you want to check on a proprty sale, or if there is a 'charge' on it for perhaps the equity release FiL has stated, you can look here at the deeds for a few pounds https://www.gov.uk/get-information-about-property-and-land/copies-of-deeds

Frankly, I think you should just carry on with your lives just as you did (on both sides of this estrangement) in all the preceding years. As if none of you exist to the other 'side'.  A sad tale though.

martinbuckley

Its always sad when families fall out.  Even sadder when they fall out over money and "presumed" inheritance.  I look at it like this - If you are not prepared to help meet the cost of the funeral expense, then why do you think you are entitled to any inheritance?

MysteryRegular

OP, I don't think the initial disagreement is in any way relevant - you don't need to over explain that

I completely believe your situation.  It really is not that unusual for families to end up estranged, and then only find out years later that a relative has died.   It is really not.  It has happened in my family.  

There is nothing to be found from this, but more pain.  I am not sure why you keep searching to see if he is alive. Your husband doesn't want to get involved in probate and expects there to be debts. Your husband does not have to get involved with probate and he doesn't want to - so that is sorted.

Let what will happen, happen.  Walk away from it with dignity.