My first church funeral

bees_2

Hi, my father in law died suddenly last week and the funeral is soon. It's my first Church funeral and I wondered if anyone can tell me what to expect? I want to be able to support my fella wiithout being overwhelmed with all the newness! I haven't been to Church since I was a child on a school trip as I'm Jewish. Any pointers on how to behave and what to expect would be appreciated!

(apologies if I don't reply straight away- I have to go out soon and don't know when I'll be online next)

Penny_Watcher

Firstly, condolences on your sad loss.

Usually a Church funeral has a short service, sometimes followed by and internment (burial) in either the churchyard/cemetry or cremation at the local crem.

Sometimes with a Roman Catholic funeral the coffin has been in the church all night previously, otherwise the funeral directors bring the coffin to the church before the service can begin. Either members of the family/friends or the funeral directors carry the coffin to the front of the Church.

The service consists of readings and hymns (usually favourites of the person who has passed away). Perhaps your husband might be doing one of the readings? Sometimes someone gives a eulogy (the story of the life of the deceased).

After the service the coffin is taken back to the funeral car to be taken to the cemetery.

It's usual to dress modestly for a funeral.

I hope this helps.

Sorry again for your loss.

belfastgirl23

Hi just to add to the above it's really useful to see if you can identify a regular church goer amongst the family and sit near to them. That way you can watch them for all the sitting up and kneeling down etc if you're worried about feeling a bit unsure.

But generally people are just pleased you've made the effort to go. Sorry for your loss and hope it goes okay.

iceicebaby

Don't be nervous about going. Most vicars/priests realise that there will be a lot of non church goers in attendance who will not be familiar with the order of service. Most of them will say if they want you to stand up , sit down (eg they will say please stand for the next hymn or please kneel for the next prayer etc) Just the fact you are there is the most important thing so dont worry x

Savvy_Sue

Also don't feel you have to kneel. It's perfectly acceptable to sit and bow your head.

Particularly if it's a Catholic funeral, it might be worth checking whether the other ladies in the family will mostly be wearing a modest hat or simple scarf on their heads, or pulling a thin shawl up. Although hat wearing is no longer de riguer, people can become more traditional at funerals. If you're really not a hat wearer, don't lose sleep over it, but if you'd feel uncomfortable if you got there and found others were hatted, it's worth a check.

And my condolences.

bees_2

Thanks everyone, I had no idea about kneeling or wearing a hat. I haven't got a suitable one so I can't do that - hopefully I won't be alone!

I'm obviously not looking forward to it but I feel a bit more prepared- thank

positivelymummy

sorry for your loss, just wanted to add that there's usually a collection (as you go in) so it might be useful to take some money if this is the case.

inkie

The funeral directors are very good and will guide you as to where to sit etc, as you come in. I do funerals regularly (i'm a minister) and I guide everyone through exactly what is happening and when - when to sit or stand etc..
Don't try to worry too much about what will happen - that's our job and the funeral directors - just be there for you partner and stay strong. Everything will go as well as can be expected, i'm sure. As for the collection - you will find that there will be a donation plate available for people to contribute when they leave if they so wish.
Sorry for your loss.

MKwife

I am so sorry to hear about your father in law, it is a sad sad time.

I went to my father in laws funeral in Ireland and really embarrassed myself. It was a catholic funeral and I have never been in a catholic church in my life. There came a bit where everyone had to queue up for what I thought was a plastic token. I am not at all religious and didn't have a clue what to do, but I didn't want to appear disrespectful so I joined the line. I carefully watched what everyone else did so I could do the same, however I couldn't have looked close enough! When I got to the front the priest just stared at me for ages as I held my hands out for the token, he eventually gave it to me and I thanked him and headed back to my seat. Unbeknown to me he was shouting at me to come back. I took my seat and for some reason bent down to my handbag. He thought I had put it in my handbag, (he was very very old) I was supposed to eat it in front of the altar. I didn't realise that so quickly ate it in my seat.The whole church was staring at me!! We all laughed about it afterwards!

My father in law would have cracked up laughing if he was watching.

My tips are sit in a pew with people around you so you know when to kneel etc, and if you are going to a catholic funeral stay in your seat when they are doing the queue for the white rice bread. That is what I was told afterwards I should have done and it wouldn't be disrespectful.

Hope the day goes well for you and the family
x

thriftmonster

Generally the coffin will be in church in front of the altar for the service - wasn't sure if anyone else mentioned this. At the end the funeral directors will carry or wheel it out to the hearse before everyone else leaves. I can find this a difficult moment not to cry. There will be hymns and they're often the standards "The King of Love my Shepherd is" and "Abide with me" and "The day Thou Gavest" so it's as well to be prepared in case they remind you of any one else. There will be a eulogy, where someone speaks of the person who has died, speaking of their good qualities. Again this can be hard.

From personal experience,, stash some boiled sweets in your handbag. It's hard to cry if you're sucking hard on one - and whilst you might want to cry later, in church it's probably more dignified not to. You can do it discretely.

I found it hard when I married dh as I was suddenly expected to go to funerals - my Mums family are part Jewish so women don't go to funerals in her family and my Dad'd family are some sort of old fashioned Christian (not any more but the custom survives) where women don't go to funerals.

I must say, since moving to Belfast where going to funerals is a sort of obligation, our children have been to several and they coped with their grandfathers better as a result - maybe my family could be wrong.......!!!!!!

shelly

thriftmonster wrote: »

From personal experience,, stash some boiled sweets in your handbag. It's hard to cry if you're sucking hard on one - and whilst you might want to cry later, in church it's probably more dignified not to. You can do it discretely.

I found this a little bemusing. Maybe its because I'm an emotional person and will cry whenever or where ever I am if I feel the need to. If someone you love/respect/admire etc has died, why would you want to show your grief for them discretely? Unless of course you are a private person and don't want everyone to see you like that.
Sorry if I offend you by saying that, none meant.