Is it normal to still grieve your mother after so long?

JuneBow

My mother died 25 years ago when I was 33 and my father died a few years later. I know it is normal to grieve bu even after so long I can barely talk about them and can get tearful at the drop of a hat thinking about them. My children are doing so well and they would be so proud of them but have never had a chance to see them do so well. I think this is the bit that upsets me most.
Even as I type this I am crying. Surely this cannot be normal after so long? I am seriously wondering if I need help. But what could anyone do? It is so much worse at this time of year when everyone is talking about having family around.
I know I should be grateful that I have my husband and children and we are close, but I just cannot stop this enormous grief that I have and the longing to see them again.
Is this normal, or do I need help?

ophiuchus

The late great Sir Patrick Moore lost his beloved Lorna in WW2, and even in his old age he said that there were days when he could 'sometimes go a whole half hour without thinking about her'.

If your grief is overwhelming you might want to contact CRUISE or similar, to see if you can talk things through.

Mojisola

JuneBow wrote: »

My mother died 25 years ago when I was 33 and my father died a few years later. I know it is normal to grieve bu even after so long I can barely talk about them and can get tearful at the drop of a hat thinking about them.

Is this normal, or do I need help?

I don't think there is any 'normal' when it comes to grief because we all handle it in our own way - but, if I was still this affected so many years later, I would seek help.

I came across these people this week - like a clearing house for all the organisations that can help with grief -
https://www.thegoodgrieftrust.org/?fbclid=IwAR0Z7lDIkmREcSnob43DoNsgOG1FO5r7tmiQjLF_f6HonNfp36DAsimtXWk

svain

It doesnt matter how long you grieve, however if it is still all consuming and affects day to day i would suggest this isnt "normal" and needs confronting.

For my relatives who have passed, I found comfort in that they would just tell me to snap out of it, if i dwelled for too long ... although a bit "old school" it has worked for me

trailingspouse

My son died 32 years ago, and most of the time it's OK. But occasionally, I struggle with it all - my daughter was too young when it happened to remember him, and my other son was born after it happened, so they have a brother that they never knew, which saddens me.



So I would say that, yes, this is perfectly normal - but also that it's OK to seek help. There are specialist bereavement charities, and many of them will let you talk over the phone for no charge. Or you could look for a counsellor local to you if you think it would help to talk to someone face-to-face.



I also find it helpful to specifically think about him on his birthday (not as difficult as doing it on the day he died) - it sort of keeps it within bounds, if that makes sense.

Sayschezza

I think grief is lifelong if it's for a loved one. Crying maybe not so much and could be a habit or even a subconscious mask for something else such as needing someone close to share things with. I know I still miss my mum 20 odd years later but I remember her with love and thanks for the good times we shared. I only tear up if I feel under par for some reason. Then we all need our mums.

SensibleSarah

I agree that grief is different for everyone. In my experience, things don't really ever get 'better' and it's definitely not something you can 'get over', but you do tend to deal with the grief differently as time passes. If you feel that you've not been able to move forward at all with your grief over the last 20+ years then you may find it helpful to look at having grief counselling. It won't be easy if you tend to avoid talking about your parents because it upsets you - but if you feel stuck with it all then it could be worth trying.

heartbreak_star

Some good advice here. I lost my beloved dad 8 years ago, and I do a similar thing to what trailingspouse suggested - I light a candle on his birthday and let my memories take over for a while.

I do think if your grief is so overwhelming after all this time I would seek some professional help - it's affecting your life with your husband and children.

I wish you all the best

HBS x

justme111

What you describe strikes me as normal. Nothing in op's post tells that her day to day life is affected and that she starts crying daily. I can easily feel tearful when thinking of my mum and I think of her often; I feel sick when I 8magine my daughter living while I do not exist anymore - does not mean I am a sobbing mess for more that 3 minutes at a time every few months which I reckon 9s compatible with being human and knowing attachment and loss.

bugslet

Sayschezza wrote: »

I think grief is lifelong if it's for a loved one.

SensibleSarah wrote: »

I agree that grief is different for everyone. In my experience, things don't really ever get 'better' and it's definitely not something you can 'get over'.

I had a good relationship with both my parents. Dad died when I was 26, mum when I was 29.

I was upset for a short while, then I just got on with things and after a year, I just occasionally thought about them. I haven't been upset since though.

OP, if you think it's a problem, go and see someone. If you are just wondering what other people are like, some will be like you, some like me.

jamesperrett

My mother died nearly 30 years ago and there is still a hole in my life where she used to be. It doesn't really affect me from day to day but I'll shed a few tears if I go to a place that reminds me of her or hear a song that she used to sing. I'd be worried if the grief was in my mind constantly but the occasional feeling of sadness is healthy.