Is it normal to still grieve your mother after so long?

seven-day-weekend

bugslet wrote: »

I had a good relationship with both my parents. Dad died when I was 26, mum when I was 29.

I was upset for a short while, then I just got on with things and after a year, I just occasionally thought about them. I haven't been upset since though.

OP, if you think it's a problem, go and see someone. If you are just wondering what other people are like, some will be like you, some like me.

Thankyou for saying that, I thought it was just me. My parents were 89 and 93 when they died, and although I was sad, it felt it quite normal for them to die at that age. Neither of them had any nasty illnesses. My dad was killed in a car crash, which was upsetting, and my mum died peacefully from old age.

I was beginning to feel I was uncaring and unkind. But as you say, some will be like us, and some like the OP.

davenport151

I am blessed that I still have my Mum. I do find though that with growing older and especially with being a mum myself comes greater understanding and a growing respect for what she did for me and my brother growing up. (I was brought up in the late 70's early 80's in a single parent family)

Remembering someone is the best way to keep them with you - make sure its happy memories too!
Do you talk to your children about them? Tell them how proud they would have been to see them achieve what they had.

eamon

You would have to be a hard, cold person not to grieve for much loved parents (I know that there are exceptions).
My parents died 44 years ago and there isn't a day when I don't think about them and can easily shed some tears when talking about them.

gardner1

Lost my mother 9 yrs ago age 79 my father 3 yrs ago age 86.......still think about them quite often and only wish they'd been around in 2016 to see their Great-Granddaughter,brings a tear to my eye that they weren't around to see her

NeilCr

bugslet wrote: »

I had a good relationship with both my parents. Dad died when I was 26, mum when I was 29.

I was upset for a short while, then I just got on with things and after a year, I just occasionally thought about them. I haven't been upset since though.

OP, if you think it's a problem, go and see someone. If you are just wondering what other people are like, some will be like you, some like me.

Good post.

My parents died a long time ago. I do think about them (and dream about them) sometimes, especially at Xmas and New Year. I am good friends with my mum's ex partner (he is 85 now) - we talk every week and he does like to reminisce about her so she is, obviously, in my mind then.

My mum and I were very close and I do get tearful, occasionally, if talking about her. But, I know she wouldn't want me to be upset and be grieving for her many years after her death. She'd want me to be getting on with my life and looking forward not backwards.

As bugslet says people are different in how they react. My ex was close to her dad and gets very down and upset about him quite often - particularly on his birthday, the day he died, Xmas and New Year. He died over 40 years ago.

DigForVictory

Be gentle with yourself - Christmas and New Year are traditional Get Together with those you love times, and of course absent friends stand out even more.

I don't think there is a "Normal" for grief, but a spectrum, and I wouldn't appreciate anyone tell me I felt too much or too little, even if I could perhaps see their point that tears over the teapot made afternoon tea something of a trial.

She was your mum. She'll always be there for you when you need to feel her there. Do please get in touch with counselling to be reassured that you are both not alone & absolutely normal.

jetplane

Have you had bereavement counseling?

I was the same as you, not for as many years but for quite a few. I could not think or talk about my mother without becoming distressed and crying. If she came into my dream I would wake myself up distraught.

I thought that once I started crying I would not be able to stop and I could not breathe and I would die. It came to a head one day when I had a particularly serious panic attack and I called my GP.

Bereavement counseling was amazing. Over an eight week period she brought the grief up and out of me slowly and safely. I still miss her immensely and there are days where it hurts more than others. But I can enjoy her memory, I can talk about her and I can dream about her and feel comfort from it.

Its never too late.

seven-day-weekend

jetplane wrote: »

Have you had bereavement counseling?

I was the same as you, not for as many years but for quite a few. I could not think or talk about my mother without becoming distressed and crying. If she came into my dream I would wake myself up distraught.

I thought that once I started crying I would not be able to stop and I could not breathe and I would die. It came to a head one day when I had a particularly serious panic attack and I called my GP.

Bereavement counseling was amazing. Over an eight week period she brought the grief up and out of me slowly and safely. I still miss her immensely and there are days where it hurts more than others. But I can enjoy her memory, I can talk about her and I can dream about her and feel comfort from it.

Its never too late.

Great post with which I totally agree.

Working_Mum

Grief is a slippery old devil, we are misguided if we think we work through Elizabeth Kubler Ross's 5 Stages of grief in a linear way - we don't because we are human.

Check out a podcast called "The Griefcast" - it is not at all sombre and is refreshing to hear intelligent people talk about death and grief in a healthy and open way.

This visual struck home with me:-

https://twitter.com/laurenherschel/status/946888282444460033

I would definitely say you need to explore your feelings and responses to your Mum's death after 25 years and would heartily recommend that you reach out to someone you trust or who is totally independent to help you get a handle on it.

Well done for writing the pot ((hugs))

hb2

Working_Mum wrote: »

Grief is a slippery old devil, we are misguided if we think we work through Elizabeth Kubler Ross's 5 Stages of grief in a linear way - we don't because we are human.

Check out a podcast called "The Griefcast" - it is not at all sombre and is refreshing to hear intelligent people talk about death and grief in a healthy and open way.

This visual struck home with me:-

https://twitter.com/laurenherschel/status/946888282444460033

I would definitely say you need to explore your feelings and responses to your Mum's death after 25 years and would heartily recommend that you reach out to someone you trust or who is totally independent to help you get a handle on it.

Well done for writing the pot ((hugs))

Thank you, that is very apt. I lost my mum, at the age of 91 and with advanced dementia, in November 2017 and have missed her very much this Christmas. Last year I think I was just so relieved that the suffering was over (for both of us), this year the ball seems to have gown bigger but I know it will shrink again.