Rebuilding confidence after abusive relationships

Working_Mum

Hello GWS and well done for having the courage t post.

I was in an 18 year relationship with my (now ex) husband and it wasn't until I got through the divorce I realised that he had been emotionally abusive in the last 18 months of our marriage.

I was literally and "point zero" with debt crawling out of the woodwork, 2 children to support (on a small self employed income) and stories of a double life for almost 2 years my ex had lead :-)

I had no idea how I was going to survive let alone thrive. Slowly I got myself to a good solid place and now, almost 10 years on my life is wonderful and I sit here without any regrets.

I read up on having healthy boundaries, co-dependency, forgiveness, gratitude, depression and so much more.

I would recommend reading "Co-Dependent No More" by Melodie Beatty, it is a real eye opener.

Everyday I write a gratitude journal - a powerful tool to keep you focussed on the good stuff in your life.

I would treat yourself kindly, speak to yourself as you would your best friend. We are very good at carrying burdens which are not ours.

I set myself some short, medium and long term goals along with a year of saying yes to everything meant I slowly rebuilt my life.

AS far as fearing/handling rejection is concenred I have no quick fixes I am afraid - build your own resilience so that if you do get a set back you can pick yourself, dust yourself off and try again tomorrow. I had this quote inside my diary for a very long time:-

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow.” Mary Anne Radmacher

Good luck on your journey, I will subscribe and follow with intetesrt

goodwithsaving

Working_Mum wrote: »

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow.” Mary Anne Radmacher

Good luck on your journey, I will subscribe and follow with intetesrt

That's a really thought provoking quote, thank you, and a good idea about the journal.
I'm going to try. The fear of rejection is quite strong and I often feel like such a loser, but I've been deliberating over a point another poster said, about not letting the past hinder the rest of my life.


I'm really grateful to you all. I've kept it bottled up for so long but I just want to move on and be happy, and your guidance has been really helpful. As it is to have people who understand.

goodwithsaving

Just an update because a couple of kind souls asked.


I sought specialist counselling, as suggested by Red-Squirrel, and this will be ongoing but it's been helpful and has made me not only understand why I am as I am, but has made me understand that none of it has been my fault.

Over the past few weeks a couple more friends have announced engagements and pregnancies, and (selfishly) that's been hard so I've removed social media for a while.


I also somehow found the courage to ask someone out and shook off my trust issues, but I was rejected. I put on a brave face and pretend to shrug it off but it has upset me quite a bit.



I'm hoping confidence will keep returning throughout next year and maybe things will fall into place.


Happy Christmas and New Year to you all.

Primrose

Well done for trying to step outside your comfort zone. Ok, you were rejected this time but the sun will still shine and life will still carry on as norma so don,t let this setback knock you back to Square One.

As you are learning, none of your fears and behaviours are your fault. They are learned reactions as a result of what has happened to you in previous relationships so they can be unlearned with practice. We often expect too much of ourselves too quickly though.

Don't be disheartened. Pick yourself up and carry on. Nobody wins the jackpot every time but you have to keep buying tickets to be in with a chance!

heartbreak_star

GWS, have a wonderful festive season - sending lots of love, positivity, and confidence to you

HBS x

SandraX

Dear OP

Sorry about you past history, not everyone is like that.

You need to get on with your life. You are better prepared.
Trust in yourself. Hope this never happens, first signs of trouble, give them one chance, maybe
and if it happens again, move on.

Life always looks better on the other side of the hill, but rarely is. Iy takes two for it work and you know that, you are a lovely lady, so go for it and see what happens.

Rejection, no one likes it, but it happens to most of us but my gut feeling is you will be ok

Happy Christmas

Barny1979

goodwithsaving wrote: »

Just an update because a couple of kind souls asked.


I sought specialist counselling, as suggested by Red-Squirrel, and this will be ongoing but it's been helpful and has made me not only understand why I am as I am, but has made me understand that none of it has been my fault.

Over the past few weeks a couple more friends have announced engagements and pregnancies, and (selfishly) that's been hard so I've removed social media for a while.


I also somehow found the courage to ask someone out and shook off my trust issues, but I was rejected. I put on a brave face and pretend to shrug it off but it has upset me quite a bit.



I'm hoping confidence will keep returning throughout next year and maybe things will fall into place.


Happy Christmas and New Year to you all.

Did you ask out the bloke that you referred to in your original post?

goodwithsaving

Barny1979 wrote: »

Did you ask out the bloke that you referred to in your original post?

I did. Still, better to ask than not at all.

marisco_2

I left an abusive marriage almost 13 years ago now and eventually went on to have a very happy relationship again. Before that could happen though I spent many years by myself which I am glad of now. You have to like and love yourself and discover exactly what you want from life before you can make a success of sharing it with anyone else. Counselling helped to a degree I guess. As did finally accepting that it is nothing about you that causes for people to mistreat you. They way that they choose to behave is influenced only by them. You are only responsible for yourself and how you choose to conduct yourself. I wish you all the best for the happiest future