Rebuilding confidence after abusive relationships

goodwithsaving

Hello you helpful people.

I've long relied on this forum to give me some sensible advice when I need it, and once again I need your help.

I have been single for 2 and a bit years after a relationship breakdown with an alcoholic (and mental breakdown myself afterwards) and a series of phyiscally and mentally abusive relationships over the past 12 or so years.

I've recently grown to accept that I may never have children or find anybody, because I am so terrified of being hurt again and perhaps moreso, my confidence has completely gone. I'm only in my thirties and I don't want to be on my own forever, despite my reluctant acceptance if it does become the case.

But I now have grown to very much like somebody who I have encountered a few times. They're kind, funny, intelligent and quite shy. I don't normally think of anyone in this way because I am still quite traumatised by my past so for me, it feels like a big deal.

I have no idea what to do, and all these feelings are doing is reinforcing the idea in my mind that I will never be good enough for anybody and/or that I will be rejected. I'm normally fairly outgoing and will speak to most people, but I am just finding my nerves overwhelming.

Has anybody recovered from a terrible relationship history and if so, how did you do it?

Fireflyaway

I've not personally been there but in terms of building confidence: make a list of all the things you have achieved, all the good qualities you have. I bet there is more than you believe!
There is no reason you can't have a long happy life. There are scores of people in happy relationships, you were unlucky but no reason why you can't find happiness.
In a new relationship/ friendship / job, just ensure you don't get into the habit of putting everyone else first. I know I do this. Being considerate is one thing but allowing yourself to always be second best is wrong. You are no less worthy than anyone else.

Red-Squirrel_2

Have you ever had any counselling?

A relationship counsellor might be able to help, Relate will see you as a single person, its not just for couples. Worth a look.

goodwithsaving

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

Have you ever had any counselling?

A relationship counsellor might be able to help, Relate will see you as a single person, its not just for couples. Worth a look.

Hi Red-Squirrel, I have had counselling and am kinder to myself than I was, but it's the confidence in approaching someone again. I haven't liked anybody for a long time and I keep wanting to do something about it, but am overcome with fear of rejection or hurt, and back out.


I still wake up terrified that I'm being physically hurt sometimes, but they're just nightmares.

Red-Squirrel_2

goodwithsaving wrote: »

Hi Red-Squirrel, I have had counselling and am kinder to myself than I was, but it's the confidence in approaching someone again. I haven't liked anybody for a long time and I keep wanting to do something about it, but am overcome with fear of rejection or hurt, and back out.

https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/being-single-and-dating/how-relationship-counselling-can-help-if-youre-single

trailingspouse

goodwithsaving wrote: »

I have no idea what to do, and all these feelings are doing is reinforcing the idea in my mind that I will never be good enough for anybody and/or that I will be rejected.

Well done for coming as far as you have. You have further to go - but you're well on the way.


Just one thought - stop wondering if you are good enough for them, and start wondering if they are good enough for you.

Primrose

One technique to try if your self confidence is low or you're rather shy is to concentrate on the other person. Forget about yourself in conversation and make them feel happy and comfortable. That way, if they have any interest in pursuing a relationship with you they too are less likely to be fearful of rejection.
You have to start somewhere. Try conversations like:
"I always enjoy talking to you. You cheer me up."
"It's good to see you"
"I can be quite shy at times but I feel comfortable talking to you"


At some point you have to try and make gentle steps out of your comfort zone. Remind yourself that you are as good as the next person. Try practising new techniques with other people, not just this particular person you like

Could you start to try taking some small initiatives with other people to overcome your nerves, ie inviting an acquaintance for coffee one day, if that is not a normal habit. I read once that somebody undergoing therapy had to undertake a task every day which involved receiving some kind of rejection, however small, on the basis that if you were rejected enough times, it somehow got easier to deal with and shrug off. I don,t know if the technique worked, but there's the old saying "nothing ventured, nothing gained " and if you don't at least try you you May never discover what you are missing.

Please don,t let your former partners keep you captive for ever as an emotional victim. You do have the power to break free. Just have the courage to take small steps at a time and give yourself credit for moving forward.

goodwithsaving

Primrose wrote: »

Please don,t let your former partners keep you captive for ever as an emotional victim. You do have the power to break free. Just have the courage to take small steps at a time and give yourself credit for moving forward.

Nobody has ever put it to me like that before. Thank you, that really made me stop and think. I do well at work but everytime I succeed at something at work, I can't help but feel sad that the rest of my life is such a failure.



I've written down your questions and I'm going to try to put it into practise. Thank you!

System

I ha a very bad relationship, he wasnt phyically abusive more entally and emotionally. He frequently told me how nobody else would ever want me, that i was useless/pathetic and would never amount to anything. He controlled every aspect of my life. And he wore me down so much i believed every word he said. I never thought life would get better.

He left me after getting the woman he was cheating on me with pregnant, and so i was left with the task of rebuildingmy life.

I went back to work (id been off sick the time i was with him) and had two shirt realtionships that weren;t great but they did improve my self esteem a bit.

I went on to meet my now bf, and hes the complete opposite of my absuive ex. He's kind, he's compassionate, hes supportive and generally wonderful. I never thought i deserved this happiness but actually i did,and you do too. I still have a hard time accepting it. Little things like asking his permission to go out, which i had to do with my ex, he tells me i dont need to ask him, its absolutely fine and to have a good time. I worry that i'm a burden because of my mental illness, my ex told me that my doctors never thought of him when they put me on medication and that he wished id died when i attempted suicide, my bf now tells me that no matter what we are in this together ad he'll always be there for me. Its hard to get out of the mindset you were in when you're in an abusive relationship but what you have to realise is a)there are good people out there and b)you deserve to be happy.

Happier_Me

I was in a bad relationship many years ago and battled panic attacks for a couple of years after it ended. Dating was really difficult, I would know within half an hour if I could tolerate being near my date or not. In that first year very few dates progressed to a second.

I decided to have a relationship with someone that was purely 'fun' on both sides. No pressure, not serious, just hanging out with quite possibly the most laid back(read slightly immature) person I could find. It was an attempt to adjust I suppose and it helped. Then I met my husband and we just clicked, no anxiety or panic attacks with him although I still experienced these in other situations.

23 years later we're still going strong. Your friend sounds like my husband. My advice would be to take it very slow but pursue a relationship if it feels right.
And when the time is right confide in him. My husband knew from very early on in our relationship that there would be times I would just need to escape a situation and he supported me completely.

seashore22

I would highly recommend the Freedom Course.

https://freedomprogramme.co.uk/

My daughter is just coming to the end of the 12 weeks, having left an abusive relationship. The course itself is very good, but it's also been good to meet with other abused women and share experiences. It helps to see the abuse in previous/current relationships, but also helps to spot the red flags that a future partner may exhibit.