Please help me regarding access to my son.

Rubik

Comms69 wrote: »

I do think having a blank template with all those is a good idea, I'd be weary about putting my cards on the table though.


Certainly I'm going to start high with an expectation to drop down

I've written a number of parenting plan templates over the years, and have found that parents who have taken the time to set out their preferred arrangements fare better in discussions than those that don't. I see your point about "putting all your cards on the table" - but if you don't enter into discussions with full disclosure, then those discussions may well be hindered.
Another aspect is that should mediation not be successful, then a ready-prepared parenting plan is available to be submitted along with the C100 (the form asks the applicant to include a parenting plan).

Comms69

Rubik wrote: »

I've written a number of parenting plan templates over the years, and have found that parents who have taken the time to set out their preferred arrangements fare better in discussions than those that don't. I see your point about "putting all your cards on the table" - but if you don't enter into discussions with full disclosure, then those discussions may well be hindered.
Another aspect is that should mediation not be successful, then a ready-prepared parenting plan is available to be submitted along with the C100 (the form asks the applicant to include a parenting plan).

That is a good point.


Having a realistic plan is a good idea. I would just feel that there may be significant pressure to 'compromise' in order to speed up contact.


If both parties want to make mediation work then great.

Rubik

Some degree of compromise will always be required in negotiations. No reason why an interim arrangement can't be reached - even if it does mean more compromising by one party, and then the arrangements reviewed after a period of time, (weeks rather than months).

Comms69

Rubik wrote: »

Some degree of compromise will always be required in negotiations. No reason why an interim arrangement can't be reached - even if it does mean more compromising by one party, and then the arrangements reviewed after a period of time, (weeks rather than months).

Agreed, I think maybe we're on the same page.


Have a minimum which you wont go below. Have a desired outcome and work between those two.


And absolutely agree review after 2-4 weeks is an excellent idea.

Rubik

Absolutely - always start with your maximum preferences, as that gives you wriggle room to negotiate "down" to your preferred arrangements.

Spikecast

Thanks guys I appreciate the input. Realistically do you think I've got any chance of 50% custody? I do have a clear "plan" in place which she reject which I dropped from 50% access to 38%. She started at 19% and dropped to 14% over my three week shift rota.

Comms69

Spikecast wrote: »

Thanks guys I appreciate the input. Realistically do you think I've got any chance of 50% custody? I do have a clear "plan" in place which she reject which I dropped from 50% access to 38%. She started at 19% and dropped to 14% over my three week shift rota.

It's unlikely. And to be honest it's noble but going to make work very difficult I suspect - im speaking as a generalisation; but you can judge that yourself.


percentages don't help anyone really; and it's unfortunate your rota is 3 weekly, rather than 2 (much easier to sort out)


As a guide a typical order (if there was such a thing) would likely include 1 weekend in 2 and 1-2 weekdays a week.


So you're looking at 4-5 days out of 14. (approx. 35% if you prefer)


Now each circumstance is different. And your best bet may be to start lower, but with a clear plan to increase contact.


As an example - my current circumstances prevent overnight contact (will be changing in next month or two) so I will be starting with regular contact 3-4 times a week, with a scope to review down the line.

Spikecast

Excellent thank you. I can live with 35% contact. Ideally as a minimum I would like him one day out of the two midweek out of the 4 days, so half. Fingers crossed.

[Deleted User]

I know it is very hard but try to take your feelings about her already having a 'friend' out of the equation. Its not your children's fault this has happened, you have enough sad feelings to cope with. At the moment you need to put your feelings away, hard though that is, and concentrate on making things as good as they can be for your children. Put them first. Just refuse to get involved in arguements. Put yourself in your children's shoes, listening to it.

I'm a bit bothered by the 'aim high' concept, it could make you seem unreasonable.

Yep if the agreement was to have you buy presents for your son, and she bought presents for your daughters, and then you removed your son's presents from the house.., only your son will suffer. He just needs to have presents to open at the same time as your daughters, so neither feels unloved on top of the emotions and confusion they have about you two splitting up. He will know its from his Dad. That's the important thing. It was a tit for tat move. They weren't your presents, they were your sons. I know it is hard to adjust to the changes but tit for tat just tends to lead to bigger and worse repercussions. One person does something, the other person does something else worse, the first person does more etc etc. Its never going to be other than a downhill path that will exacerbate bad feelings going on between two people.

Although you feel wronged by the split, she has feelings as to why it happened too. Even if you don't agree with them.

Doing a full plan as suggested above makes you look organised which puts you in a stronger position. It also, if the two of you concentrate on how to solve this situation for the sake of your children, removes the feelings about the past, which you will both have.

Whatever the situation between you and your ex personally, however she behaves, your children need you to be the hero in this. They will see this.

And yes, I have done this myself, although I was the 'she' in the arrangement.

SingleSue

When me and ex split, we kept that first Christmas exactly the same to how it had always been to save upset for the children.

Ok, feelings were a bit raw (we had separated just over 4 weeks earlier) but we put on a united family front for Christmas and Boxing day and followed our normal routine. This meant that any presents already purchased were still joint presents and given at the normal time, we spent the entire 2 days together as a family as per normal and so on.

Subsequent Christmas days were different, he moved 400 miles away and had no interest in seeing them regularly (or even semi regularly), so we never had the 'Who is having them Christmas day this year?' conundrum to sort out.