Why do our own brains attack us...?

SuperPikachu

Hello all,

I know I write some silly stuff but this is a serious topic to me and it's regarding depression.

I've struggled on and off with it since I was about 10 when my father died (I think that is when it started) and I ended up being an awkward loner of a teenager that didn't get involved in social stuff and spent all my free time playing computer games and losing myself in MMOs and pretend worlds.

I then struggled to chat to girls when I finally bothered to start chasing them and continued to be shy and awkward and usually screw stuff up by being immature and over-sensitive.

The last 10years or so I have grown up and have a 5 year long relationship with my current girlfriend who means the world to me and I hope to stay with forever.

But depression still comes back to haunt me through out the year.

I am a highly anxious individual nowadays, I don't know when it got so bad but if I am in social situations or try to speak to people I hate eye contact and it makes me feel very uncomfortable and I jump if you touch my shoulders.

I am on anti depressants and I have read through a few self help books over the last few years. I tend to then feel optimistic afterwards for a while and have more energy and a better outlook on life but I always come back to the same slump eventually and its as if I never even read the book or felt that way.

I was quite shocked when Comms69 wrote the other day that 84 men a week commit suicide in England.

I don't quite know what sparked it but I just feel such a loser nowadays. Then your mind lays into you and you get ripping yourself apart and I decide; I don't have a house, I can't drive and never passed anyway. I am in huge debt. I don't do an important fulfilling job or earn a very good wage. I don't get to have any holidays due to said wage and debt anyway. I have no friends that I can just go hang out with. I feel like I am no longer attractive to females (other than my girlfriend it seems, although I suppose that shouldn't bother me but it does). I'm not fun or charismatic anymore and cannot remember when I last laughed.

I have also been having some ridiculous thoughts the last few weeks. At first I thought about googling how many tablets it would take for an overdose. Then I was thinking I could just stab myself with a kitchen knife in the heart. And then (I get the train daily) I was thinking I could jump down on the track when the train is coming in and just put my neck on the rail and have it 'run me over' sort of thing.

I've never in my life gone so far with thoughts like these before and the most worrying thing is that I wasn't even shocked to be thinking them, although they weren't welcome.

We had a family member commit suicide last year too by hanging himself from a tree in a park. Another lad jumped infront of a train too this year (think he was 15).

It is a strange thing though that our own brains/thoughts allow us to get into this situation though, almost alike to a pc virus attacking us.

I don't know why but last night as I was lying in bed I decided to write down how I felt and was astonished how much I wrote. I could share it here I suppose if anybody wanted to see it.

I just wondered how others cope to live with it? It is definitely becoming harder and harder as I get older. I do wonder sometimes if I will lose willpower one day and just do something silly.

(is this allowed in this section? apologies if not)

Sorry for the essay too, just felt like maybe it is time to chat about this crap instead of sit on it.

Primrose

That is quite a confession, and a brave one too.
But if you have shocked yourself by writing this down, strange as it may seem you are perhaps taking the first step on the road to recovery.

You talk of having no social life, no friends, a low paying job which prevents you from having your own home, having huge debts. Itss not surprising that you feel overwhelmed with depression but just remember that nobody ever jumps from failure to success in one huge leap. Its a journey consisting of thousands of tiny baby steps,

So I would encourage you to write. - not your possible thoughts of suicide, but get a (BIG) notebook and write down the hundreds of little steps you could take to start achievingnthe life you eventually want to have.

Perhaps have several chapters where you write down your thoughts and suggestions for improving each section of your life. For example, your low paid job. You could perhaps study part time and acquire new skills. Write down what you enjoy doing. Could you change track and make a living out of it with extra training? Write down all your thoughts and suggestions to yourself, no matter how eccentric and see how you can positively address them

Have a section on getting out of debt (and firstly visit the debt threads on this forum for help) but write down your own ideas. Could you perhaps stop smoking if you smoke? How much a day would that save you? Write it down and resolve to pay that amount off your debt every month.

You talk about our brains attacking us. Well this is how you could start to use your brain in a different more positive way.

Perhaps a section in your notebook on improving your social skills? Should you write down practising looking people in the eye whenever you pass them and learn to smile and say hello to strangers on the bus? in the street? It,s training yourself to make the baby steps which give yiu cinfidence to move further and be braver. Could you join a walking group? Volunteers perhps for something ? Write all your passing thoughts down. Work on them. Tick your little suggestions off when you succeed and look for the next challenge.

Go to your library and order What colour is my parachute? Its a handbook for people wanting ideas to change jobs, acquire new skills and is full of helpful suggestions on different ways of looking at your life. Joining a library is free and books are on free loan so this won,t cost you.

How supportive is your girlfriend? Ask her to accompany you on this journey if you trust her. The more support you receive, the more likely you are to remain motivated.

Please don,t write yourself off. You almost certainly have far more potential to improve your life than you imagine. It,s just a matter of courage in grasping the first few challenges and training yourself to have a more positive mindset. Every little step will then takeyou in the right direction. Don,t allow small discouragements along the way to deflect you. Everybody has these but each new day is an opportunity to wipe the slate clean and start again.

BucksLady

Hey SP, your post is so honest and my heart goes out to you. Losing your father at 10 years of age must have been so traumatic - did you receive help in dealing with your loss? I ask because you said that your mental health issues seem to have started from this point in time.

pinknsparkly

Hi SuperPikachu,

I sometimes wonder why we are our own worst enemies - it can be tough enough to fight the outside world without also fighting the voices and thoughts in your own head!

From my (non-medical) point of view, it sounds as if perhaps the antidepressants you're currently on are no longer the most appropriate. Did you have these thoughts and feelings BEFORE going on antidepressants? Essentially, I'm asking whether your antidepressants used to help with this type of thoughts and are no longer as effective, or if you've not had this issue before. Either way, I'd strongly recommend talking to your GP asap and see if there is a more appropriate antidepressant you could try.

Have you tried any other form of help, aside from the antidepressants and the books? Have you tried any of the talking therapies, such as counselling or cognitive behavioural therapy? Some people find that meditation helps (you could try the HeadSpace app) and for me personally, making sure I get outside and have some daylight and get some steps in really helps stave off the unwanted thoughts!

Have you been able to identify any particular triggers for you? I have discovered, for example, that I suffer from SAD (seasonal affective disorder - the "winter blues") and so make a real effort to get outside in the sunshine (or grey overcast daylight, more accurately!) each day on my lunchbreak. Be aware, that if you've been getting worse in the last few weeks then it may be that you also have SAD. Google it online - there are a large number of SAD lights that you can purchase and I have friends who absolutely swear by them! I've also found that I am VERY sensitive to the mental effects of distrupted sleep and so try (admittedly, I'm not the best at actually following through!) to have a strict sleep hygiene with fixed bed and wake times.

If you possibly can, do try and maintain a detachment from your thoughts - by this I mean that I stopped trying to fight the suicidal thoughts as that didn't work. Instead I acknowledged them but also acknowledged how distraught my family and friends would be if I followed through. For some reason, that helped me to get through it. I am currently unmedicated (after 4 years on ADs) and only get those thoughts very rarely.

And your final line is very important - do "talk about this crap". You'll be amazed how incredible people can be, and how much they want to support you. If you feel guilty about this, then flip it on it's head and ask how you'd feel if it was your girlfriend in your situation? Would you not want to do everything in your power to help and support her?

Big hugs, take care of yourself. You're doing the best you can, take life one step at a time and never ever be afraid to ask for help if you need it!

pinknsparkly

I missed your sentence about the debts and no holidays. Are you facing up to these / do you have a plan to sort them out? I think just having a plan for how you're going to deal with those will take a huge weight off your shoulders. There's a debt free wannabe forum that you can post in for advice on that front

comeandgo

I would suggest going back to your doctor. I totally agree about brains ability to turn in on us. I used to lie in bed at night and could not sleep due to thinking of all the "bad" things I had done in my life. I used to be really amazed that things I had totally forgot about would surface.
I got medication that worked for me and it was such a life saver.

SuperPikachu

@Primrose thankyou I love your advice, I am going to try your list ideas as I have a weird geeky thing for lists. And also I will check that book out so thank you for that.

@Buckslady I have thought this myself over the years - apparently we had some sort of child grief counselling at the time although I have no memories of it. Maybe I do need to revisit that, I have been thinking about my dad a lot lately. I'm not sure why, his 20th death anniversary was back in Feb this year. He was an alcoholic who used to call me a gay mummys boy and hit me round the back of the head - I seem to be past the stage of hating him nowadays and I miss him somehow now, so I don't know if that is an age thing.

@pinknsparkly Yes my friend at work who I tend to talk about my problems with has mentioned SAD before. I did not really look into it further or try anything out on that route, but I'm definitely happier in the brighter sunnier months so could well look into that too. I also had my dosage of antidepressants increased this year so maybe I need to ask for a stronger dosage still to help, I have been taking them though for atleast 11years though now.

RE- my debt, I have done a few bits with it - I used Martins spreadsheet last year to see exactly what I was spending money on and got myself some cheaper broadband/energy/phone bills and got rid of the gym and other pointless things. Unfortunately it still works out that I pretty much earn as much as I spend with my debt repayments/rent/utilities/food and other stuff so i'm at a loss what else I can do moneywise other than earn more money somehow.

I do try to get a bit more active and positive thinking when you realise just how bogged down you have become, it is all such a slow process each time and does take a lot of energy. I can definitely share more with my girlfriend but I'm one of those types who likes to pretend that everything is OK.I think she would be a bit upset that I find it easier to come and write it down online then just speak to her about it as I know she would want to help. She has noticed I am down at the moment, I came home yesterday to a note and a box of mince pies so I am very lucky to have her in my life.

Would be nice to feel a sort of "normal" again.

Working_Mum

I think you are very brave fir opening up to how you're feeling.

I am dashing but want ti mention two things - firstly read the book the chimp paradox and listen to the podcast griefcast by carriad lloyd

There is a book called the 52 list project if you like a good lift

Well done on taking the first steps out of where you are and making the decision to take that first step

Comms69

Sorry if I brought up anything negative which affected you.

SuperPikachu

Comms69 wrote: »

Sorry if I brought up anything negative which affected you.

No don't be silly.

It got me intrigued and I had a look at the Samaritans website today.

• In 2017 there were 6,213 suicides in the UK and Republic of Ireland.
• 5,821 suicides were registered in the UK and 392 occurred in the Republic of Ireland.
• In the UK men remain three times as likely to take their own lives than women, and in the Republic of Ireland four times more likely.

Hope they wouldn't mind me knicking that - those are incredible numbers. That is not including the ones that there was not enough evidence to say whether or not it was suicide.

Comms69

Indeed. It’s shocking.

It is the biggest killer of young men. And I don’t understand how this is allowed to continue happening. Even when you exclude extreme cases ( and you shouldn’t; but for arguments sake ) theses young people are being driven to the brink with no intervention.

I’ve suffered before; contemplated once or twice ( and not to make this about me; but my ex told me once to do everyone a favour...) but I would never leave my kids without a dad. That’s not a judgment on anyone, I expect that these men ( and women ) are in such difficult circumstances.

Fwiw I suggest talking to someone. But if that’s uncomfortable; try to rediscover a hobby. I recently restarted my games workshop hobby, it gets me out once a week and gives me some focus. Failing that I’ve made some good friends online, it does help to be disassociated from reality sometimes.