Dreading going do-lally

missile

I find it hard to believe someone who has been able to raise three kids cannot do anything for themselves.

Many of us have a genuine fear or phobia and most (with a struggle) can overcome it. I sometimes feel others who develop an inability to do for themselves might be using it as a way to seek attention?

chesky369

Perhaps your mum is simply fearful that, if she doesn't have a legitimate excuse for you all to do something together, she wouldn't see you so often. Also, if she's always been a bit of a loner or perhaps rather shy, she's not going to suddenly change in her old age. If you have a car and she doesn't it's hardly surprising she'd rather do her shopping with you than get on the bus - I would too. Try just popping in to see her for the odd half hour with no reason and she might be reassured.

margaretclare

babiebeany wrote: »

I know what you mean about going doolally - I really worry about my mum in this respect and don't think she will able to live alone for many years more.

It's not something which has suddenly happened when she reached 60 though. She has been the same all her life, acts in a naive way, never really wanted any friends so no social life, sees herself as a victim rather than someone who can make positive changes to her life etc.

I have really tried to help her, by encouraging her to join clubs, take courses, invite neighbours in for a coffee etc. Each time though she makes excuses as to why she shouldn't. She relies on us 3 kids to do everything with or for her which I find extremely sad as she is just so lonely sat in her house all day/night waiting for one of us to call. If only she would/could (I do understand that it is hard to do) do something even just go on the bus to the supermarket alone as it does stop right outside her house.

I am so determined that I will not allow myself to become like this, but just don't know what to do next to help my mum.

I think that this lady's situation is different from the original post - 'dreading going doolally when I reach a certain age'. Babiebeany says her mum has always been like this.

I have known a few older women who lived the traditional life of their generation - as the sociologists put it, women lived an 'inside' life of house and family, their husbands went out and communicated the world to the wife waiting indoors. There is some truth in this.

Babiebeany, is your mum now widowed? If so, that's a very unpleasant thing to be. She may feel she has lost her whole reason for existence. She spent years bringing up a family and what is left of her life is focused on her now-adult children. She seems to be expecting them to 'mediate the world' for her in the way a husband did in her generation.

If someone has never been used to making decisions, making choices, going outside the house to make friends and establish new contacts for herself, it's extremely difficult for her to start. She probably doesn't know where to start! I know a woman like that. Her whole existence is focused on husband, home and children. She has no other interests. Can you imagine what she will be like if her husband dies? They are already talking of moving from where they live 'to be nearer the family'. Their house is on the market. If she is left alone she'll move to a completely new area, having lived in the same place for decades, and will rely on the family - who all have busy lives of their own - to fulfil her needs.

It's not going doolally. It's the way some people choose to live. If feel sorry for them. You have to have some inner resources, not look to others for all your emotional sustenance. I don't think there's a lot that Beaniebaby can do, and if I were she I think I'd step back a little. Mum is an adult and it is up to her to decide how she wants to live her life, hard though that may sound. The crucial sentence is 'she sees herself as a victim rather than someone who can make positive changes to her life etc'. It's very very hard to try to change someone who insists on adopting this 'victim' persona. You can encourage till you're blue in the face but in the end she has to be the one to do it. There is no need to be lonely, assuming you're not housebound. There are social activities of all kinds where you meet like-minded people. The leisure centre. Different churches, all of which have coffee mornings and afternoon get-togethers for women. The WI/Townswomen's Guild. Different flower groups, gardeners, ramblers, even folk-dancing, and that's just in our little market town. Different charity groups will love to have another pair of hands for e.g. their Christmas bazaars. Mum could look in the local paper and pick up the phone, but she has to do this for herself. You can't do it for her.


It's also possible that some older people may cynically manipulate the next generation, using emotional blackmail to do so. Not a nice thing to think of, but it can happen, I'm sorry to say.

Margaret

babiebeany

My mum is 67 and has always behaved in a similar way and I do agree with the poster who thinks it may be an attention seeking behaviour.

My dad died a few years ago which has made the situation worse and when he became ill we all rallied round even more than usual.

I didnt really post in this thread to talk specifically about my mum as she isnt doolally, but just wanted to say that from first hand experience of how a person can become totally dependent on others whether doollally or not, I am determined to live life to the full and not to become totally dependent on my family.

margaretclare

Good for you, babiebeany. I have always believed that life is given to us to be lived to the full.

Best wishes

Margaret

LittleVoice

Garnet_Gem wrote: »

. . . . Get a phone that lets you know who's calling as the dubious companies will withhold their number. Don't answer any with-held number calls. . . . .
BTW - these suggestions apply to everyone, not only over 60s.

A lot of legitimate calls will come from withheld numbers.

I worked for an NHS clinic - and our phone number was withheld. (The number was withheld because, for instance, a number of different parts of the clinic used the same lines and if someone did 1471 and called back, there would be great difficulty in tracing the originating caller.)

However, if the speech therapist or podiatrist administrator had been calling to postpone an appointment at the last minute because of staff sickness - or to offer an earlier one because another client cancelled at short notice - wouldn't you want to take the call? This would save you turning up and not being treated or waiting longer than necessary for the treatment.

Similarly, there could be clients who phoned to complain about something and wanted to be called back. And then wouldn't pick up the phone because our number was withheld!

That's just one example of a workplace where the number is withheld on outgoing calls. There are lots of companies where the number would not be displayed and yet one would want to receive their call.

Is rejecting all "number withheld" calls such a good idea?

LittleVoice

duplicate post - cut

Garnet_Gem

I accept that not answering all witheld calls can be a negative thing but I have an answering machine to take these calls. If you have caller display you can let your answering machine take the call. If the caller leaves a message I call them back. I think that a phone with an answering machine and caller display function is a boon at any age.

daisyroots_2

givememoney wrote: »

I just hope I manage to stay as suspicious and wary as I have always been.

Oh this is so sad. I'm 63 and feel quite the opposite: hope I manage to stay as open and trusting as I have always been. Of course I take precautions, check peoples' credentials and shred anything with personal details on it, but we've done over 25 house exchanges all over the world, dozens of 'strangers' have lived in our house, and more will next year, while we live in theirs.

The programme makers are not interested in people like me, it makes far more exciting TV to perpetrate the stereotype of stupid and doddery old age. I suspect it is becoming harder and harder for them to find people like this, but have not watched TV for years, so maybe there's more of it now.

I still believe that most people are decent, honest and kind. The more I see of the world, and the less I see of TV, the more I believe it.:A