Interventions - do they actually work?

Elinore

If you ever found a way to crack the self deluded out of their little world then please let me know.

My friend was a smart successful woman and a noted specialist in her field. Now is being kept as a trophy, no promises made no hint of a desire to commit or even be civil to her - she like a love struck puppy hangs on his every word (for three years now).

He isn’t stringing her along and he’s never lied to her about his intentions - has told her multiple times she’s not the one, he’s never going to have a relationship with her and instead of quitting she works harder to ‘win him over’ gifts of money she just can’t afford, buys his shopping, expensive consoles, phones and computers - takes him out and away on holiday.

Her mental health has become terrible, she has anxiety to a level she almost vibrates with it, she has lets friends and family and her work colleagues down so many times for him she’s become isolated. Even i took a step back as it was exhausting me, just to be witness to her slavish devotion to the exclusion of everything else in her life.

She has become addicted to an over the counter medication (as a consequence more neurotic and stressy) and also developed an eating disorder. She lost her house, her job, the respect of her family and all the hard work to get her professional qualification – to be fair not all of this relates to him but he was the catalyst or the tipping point in most of these outcomes.

She won’t be told, she won’t be reasoned doesn’t listen to her GP or anyone else– she lies about her addiction, lies about money or her eating.

So if you found a way to lift the curtain please let me know before I’m speaking at her funeral.

NB - She is under the MHT for depression and a addiction team for her OTC issues. Both are involved but she lies to them and they know it - so understandably are not invested in her, because she is not keeping with the programs

Red-Squirrel_2

I really don't think you should take your own action when there are qualified professionals working with her.

I sympathise but all you can do is be ready to support when she needs you, and makes sure she knows how much you care about her.

meer53

Tell her you care about her but while she's still acting this way you can't continue to keep in touch. Tell her you will always be there for her in an emergency but that you find it distressing to see her like this.

I did this earlier this year with a family member for my own health and sanity. There always comes a time when you have to step back, it's really hard but when advice falls on deaf ears it starts to affect you and your family too.

-taff

Write her a letter, she may reread and lightbulb, she may not.

happyandcontented

What form would the intervention you want to make take?

badmemory

I've always doubted that interventions can work. What can you say that they haven't already heard & won't accept? Is the person ACTUALLY going to take another look at themselves & say OMG? I suspect that there are only 2 forms of intervention that may work, one of which would include getting them committed & the other would probably involve prison for the one "kidnapping" them as you would for a cult member. It does sound as if she is in her own personal cult. The guy obviously is thoroughly enjoying his power over her & generally lapping it up. An intervention with him might be more to the point.

Pollycat

Have you discussed this with her family?

Primrose

Sadly I think you would probably better off preparing that funeral eulogy.

You cannot help people who are so deluded about their own mental or physical health that they are not prepared to admit to their issues and do something about them. There does become a point where family and friends become so stressed trying to help that they have to decide to pull the plug and walk away for their own mental sanity. I'm speaking from experience - we had do this with a family member.

The only intervention you could possibly make is to the man who triggered all these problems, asking him to end the relationship and walk away. It sounds as if he has been open and honest enough about his own desire never to permanently commit but he should have had the sense to walk away rather than basking in continued selfish receipt of your friend's attention, gifts and money and have his cake and eat it.

Perhaps you should prepare your eulogy and send it to your friend to read, telling her this is the direction in which you and her family fear she is now heading unless she takes action to redeem her life but I suspect that if even the health professionals can't get through to her, you may be wasting your time.

I don,t like to sound defeatist, but if she won,t listen, all you can do is walk away to save your own sanity.

chesky

You say she's lost her house and her job. So how is she living?

moneyistooshorttomention

I'd also be thinking "Well - I've tried with her. What is he playing at continuing to accept all sorts from her like this - when he isnt serious about her?" and would probably give it one last shot. This time it would be in his direction - ie trying to get him to "do the decent thing" and chuck her.

He sounds like a right user to be taking all sorts from her like this - but is probably deluding himself that "Well - I've been honest with her and it's her fault/choice if she carries on with me. I've laid down my ground rules to her - so it's not my fault if she keeps hanging around and giving me things". I'd be inclined to give him the benefit of a very short/sharp lecture telling him that I could see straight through him and he was a user and I suggested he get out of her life quicksharp.

That may or may not work - but at least you'd have tried.

chesky

I'm a bit reluctant to blame it ALL on him as it sounds like her reactions are extreme, to say the least. The OP says that he has told her friend that they'll never have a relationship. But, to me at least, it sounds like they ARE in a relationship - however bizarre and one-sided.