Husband had an emotional affair and don’t know what to do

MovingForwards

He might be gay, he might not.
He might be bi, he might not.

You cant keep him hetro if he isnt.

What is common knowledge is it is a hell of a lot harder for guys to work out their sexuality than girls (girls are naturally more huggy/kissy growing up that boys).

Either give your husband time to discover who he is ie let him look at pictures of guys/ watch gay !!!!!! but not act out to try the real thing. Maybe join forums so he can talk it through with other guys in his position. He needs to try and get his head round where his thoughts are.

If you hold him back he will potentially carry on battling with downloading things, sharing images, looking at !!!!!! and possibly even taking a step further and meeting up with guys.

He will be very unhappy, it will start to affect him mentally as he is clearly torn.

You are obviously stressing and again I fully understand that too.

There is so much more I could say but at the moment you are in a difficult place, I understand that.

There are some gay counselling sites what he can reach out for help. There are sites which you can go for support and guidance.

Couples counselling may get you talking a bit.

What I urge you not to do is put pressure on him to be hetro as he is married and has a kid with you. He will resent you. You will grow to resent him as the 'happy perfect family' is what you signed up to by marrying him but potentially not going to get.

Try and be open minded, hopefully the fact you have 'gay friends' is because you are open and accepting/see they are people regardless, allow your husband to talk about it with you if he wants to. Do not push the subject, do not force him to talk, do not force him to retract anything he said. Do not make him feel guilty or dirty because of what he is thinking.

None of this is your 'fault', you have not done anything wrong, there is nothing to be ashamed of; the same applies to your husband.

I know you are panicing, you are worrying your husband will walk out and leave you/your child. It could happen even if he wasnt having the turmoil he is.

If your husband is gay you will deal with it, life will go on.

If your husband is bi, you you will deal with it and either stay together and work out what you agree to or move on.

If your husband is hetro, hopefully your marriage will be stronger than ever because you supported him and helped him.

So, take a deep breath and see what happens.

We cannot change who we are.

elsien

What triggered this breakdown last night when he "confessed" to you?

Did he raise the subject himself out of the blue, or is it a topic you have been going back to since it happened because you've had on on your mind for the last 12 months?

PasturesNew

A lot of men think they might be gay and are "curious" (odd thing, but that's fellas for you).

If he doesn't step out of line again, it's passed....

Seanymph

Taking the gay part out of the equation - because whilst that obviously is something he is dealing with - how would you feel if your partner of four years had joined a hetero dating site, uploaded pictures, swapped sexual flirtations with women and may or may not have followed that through.

Then told you he was just 'curious' about what people did.

Then a year later said he wasn't 'curious', he wanted to connect with people.

That in and of itself is enough to cause all of the insecurity and confusion you feel - and would cause me to seriously question my husbands commitment to my marriage.

Add in then that he is 'curious' about something that he is, for whatever personal reason, drawn to but reluctant to admit - and you have a real problem, and I don't think any amount of counselling will help.

The problem with the same sex site component to your story is that it clouds the issue, 'poor him' fighting his inherent sexuality, finding himself, denying his true self, exploring his real feelings........... and even you are allowing it to cloud what you, quite rightly, feel.

You have just had a baby with this man - and clearly he chose to father the baby, and do that with you after many years of what you thought was a supportive relationship.

To find now that he has deceived you and considered sexual relations elsewhere, whether he got as far as physical or not, is bound to give you a jolt.

You can choose anything you want for you and your joint child, and he will be the dad whatever path he takes - but you also can choose not to spend your future with someone you can't trust, who has confusion and behaves in an uncommitted manner. His issues are not your issues, and whether your partner is straight, gay, or bi, you deserve the same respect and commitment anyone else does.

hazyjo

Sounds like he's been testing the water with your reaction to him being gay, and your reaction wasn't what he hoped for. I bet there's secretly a part of him that wanted you to say 'I always suspected, and give you permission to go off and have a gay relationship while still being best buddies with me and a father to our child and I'll of course support you 100%'. Didn't happen, did it. So he's back to square one.


If he decides he's bisexual, that doesn't give him permission to cheat. My friend's married to a bi man and it doesn't mean he likes men so will end up cheating with a man because she can't 'satisfy him that way'. He's 100% committed to her.


I think you need to be very brave and say to him 'I can't keep pretending, I think you're gay and if that's the case, then you can't live a lie and I'll try to understand and make our family work, but as a separated couple.' If he jumps at it, he's gay. If not, maybe he's not sure.


My sister's friend's husband left her for a man. They had kids. It's all fine now, they're all friends and not really a shock in today's society. Was very hard at the time for all concerned.

hazyjo

PS not sure where your title comes from - not what I would call 'an emotional affair'. Unless he has been communicating with one man in particular who he claims not to have actually met?

annandale

You mean he sent a photo to a man on a dating app?

annandale

If he thinks he might be gay there's not really a future for you both. I mean if he is gay. He should have told you this before you got married. And I also think having a child with him when you knew he might be gay wasn't the most sensible thing to do.

Because he sounds like he's not committed to you. At all

davidwood681

Op, straight men don't look at gay websites and chat to men on there.

Time to open your eyes and see what's right in front of your nose

Gloomendoom

davidwood681 wrote: »

Op, straight men don't look at gay websites and chat to men on there.

Apparently, a "lot" of them do...

PasturesNew wrote: »

A lot of men think they might be gay and are "curious" (odd thing, but that's fellas for you).