How to help my niece

-taff

If you can't be dissuaded from giving her money to pay her debts, I'd insist on her cutting up the cards in front of you.
However, you won't know if she takes more credit out.
She and you would be better off sorting out a budget. Keeping debt secret is not the way to go.

What happens down the line if she doesnt learn how to not overspend? Will you continue to pay her debts or will you become disillusioned and wish you'd never helped her, when her mother finds out and her husband finds out and your husband finds out? You will be the bad guy who enabled her debts.

Mojisola

If your niece was addicted to alcohol or drugs rather than spending, would you be happy to fund her addiction?

tallyhoh

My partners family used to bail him out when he got into trouble with money. I did it a once 35 years ago as well, that is until I found he just used the money to buy more carp or drink not pay his debts.
His parents bailed him out till they died I found out later.
I refused to loan him any more money (imagine me as your niece's parents) hoping he would learn money management when there was no where else to go. Unfortunately his parents still handed him cash (imagine yourself as them).
Sad to see him now without a penny to his name & nothing to show for his years in a well paid job.
Hoping you can see the similarity.

Mrs_pbradley936

I know that what you have all said is perfectly true - I also know that you can't put an old head on young shoulders. The trouble is when someone you love is stressed out and unhappy it is hard to say "it's all your own fault, get on with it!"

I just have to get my own head in the right place and I will because I am not a complete fool - just a bit of a soft touch on occasion. Thanks everyone.

-taff

No ones saying 'it's all your own fault get on with it'


We are saying that there are other ways to help rather than giving her money. Unless she is taught the tools she needs to manage what money and what debt she has, she's not learning anything, and will never have an old head on her shoulders because she is not being taught that she has to take responsibility for her actions and that quick fixes don't exist.

Jox

You can't put an old head on young shoulders but the reason we all have our "wise old heads" is the struggles we have gone through which has led to our wisdom and experience that we can pass on to others and helps us to appreciate the good times when we have paid off our own debts (or working towards this), budgeting for what we need and emergencies and living within our means.

Cheeky_Monkey

Mrs_pbradley936 wrote: »

I know that what you have all said is perfectly true - I also know that you can't put an old head on young shoulders. The trouble is when someone you love is stressed out and unhappy it is hard to say "it's all your own fault, get on with it!"

I just have to get my own head in the right place and I will because I am not a complete fool - just a bit of a soft touch on occasion. Thanks everyone.

It's nowhere near as hard for you as it is your sister. You obviously don't love your niece as much as your sister does and she is using the 'tough love' tactic so why can't you?

Frankly, if you were my sister, I'd be fuming if I found out that you were constantly bailing her out financially instead of trying to help her take control of her excessive/no doubt unnecessary spending.

Mojisola

Mrs pbradley936 - it's quite unusual for there to be a consensus in all the answers to an OP - for your niece's sake (and her husband's and any children they may have), please offer her practical help to sort out her debts rather than bail her out.

thegrind

Your niece needs to have the wolves at the door to appreciate what situation she is in. When people have experienced the nasty side of debt most people don't want to ever go back there.

Your just supplementing her income without offering any solutions or advice to her.

Put her onto one of the debt charities. Its best for the long run.

MEM62

Mrs_pbradley936 wrote: »

I am not spoiling her

I think maybe you are.

She had been bailed out once by mum and dad. Obviously, because she did not have to deal with her debt the hard way she has failed to learn the lesson and is back to square one. She obviously felt comfortable enough to spend at the same levels again with no thought to the outcome.

By all means help her but offer practical advice and support, not money. Bail her out this time and she will do it again, only next time she might be trying to resolve the situation on maternity pay.

If she has to dig herself out of the problem she is far less likely to get herself in that position again.