Step children

Becles

We still get on reasonably well. Ex has met husband to be and they were sociable!

Ex is ok for new husband to take on day to day care of children. I haven't mentioned changing their names etc., in case I rock the boat as he can be volatile. Thought I would find out what is involved first to see if it's worth it.

jellyhead

i was talking about this kind of thing yesterday, wondering what the rules would be. my hubby would like to adopt young spud, we've been married for nearly 4 years. spud's father isn't named on the certificate and doesn't have parental responsibility (he wasn't around at the time of birth or registry and didn't fill in the form i gave him for getting his name added to the birth certificate). he's seen spud probably 6 times in the first 2 years, when i wondered about the possibility of him looking after spud while i went back to uni he ran like the wind. nothing in the last 6 years, we have no idea where he is, he's never sent christmas cards, etc. when spud was going through diagnosis for learning difficulties at 2 years old it was found he had a chromosome abnormality and they wanted blood from myself and spud's father. we asked the paternal grandparents to contact him and ask for blood, he phoned and said he'd see me in a few weeks and do it then, no contact since. the clinic made me wait a full year before going ahead with testing my blood without his - grrrr! as far as i can see he doesn't want to be spud's father. no contact, no address, he's never asked for info, hasn't ever wondered what spud's chromosome abnormality is. i have no way of getting in touch with him, spud could have siblings for all we know - he could need something from his father for all we know - a kidney, bone marrow, etc. and i'd have no way of asking.

would hubby be able to adopt spud, with no father in the picture? we wouldn't know how to ask his permission.

System

Laughed at or not, absent or not, he still has rights. If he came back on the scene now, he would be entitled to see them and to insist that you change their name back. As far as the courts are concerned children have a right to see their natural parents and the fact that he has not been around for some time does not nullify that right

Try telling my 23 and 24 year olds that now!! I changed their names when i got married and we had our first daughter, i didnt want the older two to feel that they were 'different' because they had my ex's surname. To be honest, i dont think he would have made a fuss if he had known. If he had still been on the scene i obviously would have handled it completely different.

girleight@

Judi wrote:

Try telling my 23 and 24 year olds that now!! I changed their names when i got married and we had our first daughter, i didnt want the older two to feel that they were 'different' because they had my ex's surname. To be honest, i dont think he would have made a fuss if he had known. If he had still been on the scene i obviously would have handled it completely different.

I was going to put lol but apparently that is too short! How odd. Anyway Judi make me laugh.

rchddap1

My partner's daughters are very important to me. I am not their mother and will never be, but I like to think that they consider me to be a part of their family. I met the first one when she was 7 years old and initially at least I would never tell her off. That was the job of her father. These days I make suggestions, ask them about things or provide advice where needed. Every so often I will say something when I think that they are doing something wrong.

However, they only listen to me because they have learnt to trust, respect and care about me. They know that I love them to bits and only have their best interests at heart. If your new husband wants to be a father to your kids then the kids have to consider and accept him as a parent. If your boys are happy to do this then I don't think that you have a problem.

Becles

I think my new partner must be doing ok as a step dad. Last week my eldest son (age 8) had to make a photo frame in art at school. He came out beaming with his creation and had written my new partners name and "best father" along the top edge. :cool:

rchddap1

Ahhhh that is very sweet. Its those small things that mean the earth.

jellyhead

awww, bless :-)

foreverskint

we have a set up whereby we met 5 years ago and I had 3 daughters and my partner had 1 daughter. My Children live with dad during the week and at ours during the weekends and school holidays. My partners daughter is now allowed to stay with us during the holidays and most weekends too. We have had yet another daughter and so that the other children did not feel she was more their sister than the others we have given her a double barrel surname, even though we have not married. So I have kept my married name and my latest daughter has both names.

Perhaps keeping your married name and adding your husband to be would be a solution. The boys can keep their names and you can drop your married name when it suits you. However you view their father, to your boys he always will be their Dad.

My partner also appreciates that as much as he adores my daughters their real father will always be their Dad. There will never be any arguments for example when they get married the girls will have who they wish to give them away, whether it be one or both of them.

I don't know how old your boys are, but to understand the implications of changing their names if they are under I would say at least 12, is a difficult thing for them.
Your new partner obviously does a wonderful job, and he should apply for some sort of responsability, but never forget that they already have a dad, however limited his input is.

It's taken 5 years for my step-daughter to accept me, mostly because of what has been said by her mothers side of the family, but I would never try to replace her mother, however bad a job I think she does.

We have worried about what the lawa are because my partners ex has recently remarried and we have worried that she may want to change his daughters surname. Infact her mother gave her the choice to change (shes 9 ) and she wants to keep her dads name

emmarooney

As a person who has a complicated extended family here's my 2 pennorth...

My sister, mother and I all had different surnames when I was a kid in the 70s - my mum was married twice. I never had any problems with gossip or anything like that, perhaps we were more innocent but family constructions are fairly widespread these days and I really wouldn't worry about what other people will think...

I suggest you take it one step at a time - Let your sons get used to the new marriage and the fact that you have a new name and the permanency of that, then in 6 months or a year ask them how they feel and whether they would like to have his name too.

You may find that your ex abdicates all social responsibility (the little he has) once you are married and it's "official" and your boys, seeing that happen, might choose to take a new name for someone who is more of a dad to them.

Good luck though, and I hope you have/had a splendid wedding.

Em