How to ask my lodger to leave

rianess21

I own my own home, and in January I agreed to let a friend of mine stay for a few weeks. She was homeless at the time, and I had just lost my sister. We actually agreed to this arrangement at my sister's wake. So as you can understand, I wasn't exactly in my right mind.
She didn't actually move in until ten days after the funeral, and the day after she moved in, my mother died. My mother had actually been ill for a very long time.
Because of this loss, I didn't want to be on my own, so I told her she could stay for longer and longer. Cut to now, nearly seven months later and I've just about had enough.
She doesn't pay any rent, doesn't work, doesn't pay for anything in the household. She sometimes does the washing up, but that's about it. I, stupidly, agreed that she could move her three cats in with her, and now I pay for all their food, toys, litter and vet bills. I inherited a lot of money after my mother died, and she is well aware of this.
I have fibromyalgia, which comes with a lot of pain, tiredness and sensitivity to light, touch and sound. For example, I have misophonia, and when I hear certain sounds I get a fight/flight/freeze response. One of those sounds is eating. And she constantly, despite my asking, eats with her mouth open. And it drives me mental.
Also, she frequently goes off and stays overnight at her boyfriend's house, leaving me to look after all three cats. She empties their litter trays about once a week. I can't stand the smell and how unhygienic it is, so I end up doing it.
There's so much more, but I feel like if I don't stop here, I never will.
My main problem is this - I want her out. and I'm aware I have the legal right to tell her to go, and I'm willing to give her a reasonable time frame. And I know she has somewhere to go - the aforementioned boyfriend. He owns his own house so he could easily take the cats and not get in trouble with a landlord or anything.
However, she has panic attacks and bursts into tears at the slightest criticism or provocation. For example, a few days ago, she went out early so she could be home for a delivery. I was out too, but got home much earlier than I'd planned. So I texted her and told her she didn't have to rush home. The delivery came at 11:30am, and I signed for it. (It was cat food!). By seven pm she wasn't home and I hadn't heard anything. I wasn't feeling well and had been left to look after the cats all day, one of which is an eight week old kitten. So, I texted her and asked when she was going to be back, stating that it wasn't fair for me or the kitten for her to not let me know what was going on. She had a panic attack and wouldn't talk to me for two days.
I'm not trying to be cruel, I love cats. I actually had a cat who died about a week after she moved her cats in.
I know I just have to tell her, and I'm not responsible for her. She is an adult. But since I lost my mum and sister, I have felt very scared of standing up for myself. They used to support me completely, and now I'm on my own. The stress of dealing with her and her drama is definitely impacting my health.
Sorry this is so rambling, but I really have no one to ask for advice anymore, and I've read some great threads on this site.
Any and all advice, criticisms and comments are welcome.

allypally26

Why don’t you give her notice in writing.

You can phrase it formally and not state any reason, if she asks you just state that you want your space and after 7 months you think the time is right.

There is little point listing the actual reasons just keep it simple.

theartfullodger

"Go today". Repeat, in writing, keep copy.

Next time she leaves house change locks. Do not let her back in. If stuff left hand it in bin bags outside.

Inform Police in advance, take notes of who you speak to, when, where they are based.

Stubod

....sounds like you are "being taken for a ride".

Agree with giving her something in writing a well as verbal, but be very specific, (and firm) about the time frame you are prepared to give them. I would think a week or two is more than reasonable..(she has a boyfriend who she can stay with so it's not as if you are making her homeless?).

I also agree with not giving them "specific" reasons as per the above as this will only lead to false promises.

It will be tough, but from what you have written you have been more than fair and put up with it for long enough.

Just focus on the day they finally go, (and probably best to change the locks at the same time..)

diggingdude

Don't just change the locks. That's going to start all sorts of problems

ACG

Best to get rid of her whilst she has a partner with his own place. Can you imagine finding out tomorrow he has split up with her and you missed the boat.

I would just say something like you are missing your own space and as it was only a short term thing you would like to give her a couple of weeks notice, say maybe the 14th August to give her some time to sort something out.

Stubod

....as per the above, you could thank them for helping you out over the difficult period of your sad losses but now you feel a little better and need your own space back. So goodbye and good-luck..then change the locks..

[Deleted User]

Give her the envelope containing a letter saying you need her to leave with a week, two weeks notice (whatever you decide and verbally say as in previous post. I would also put in the letter that you expect the cats to be removed.

Then leave the room whatever she does. You have given all the information you need to give.

You could also say that you would prefer this to happen in a civilised fashion but its up to her. Its what I did when (years and years ago) I had problems with a lodger. She ignored me for the rest of the month lol which just made me laugh. That was her choice.

Personally, I think you might be better giving a week's notice as she does have somewhere she can go in an emergency.

DCFC79

Stubod wrote: »

....sounds like you are "being taken for a ride".

Agree with giving her something in writing a well as verbal, but be very specific, (and firm) about the time frame you are prepared to give them. I would think a week or two is more than reasonable..(she has a boyfriend who she can stay with so it's not as if you are making her homeless?).

I also agree with not giving them "specific" reasons as per the above as this will only lead to false promises.

It will be tough, but from what you have written you have been more than fair and put up with it for long enough.

Just focus on the day they finally go, (and probably best to change the locks at the same time..)

Definitley being taken for a ride, Id even give her a hand with the packing and get the locks changed as been suggested.

pinkshoes

"Dear <friend's name>
It has been lovely having you to stay whilst I was going through a period of grieving for both my sister and mother. After much thought, I have decided I need to move on with my life, and to do this I need my own space back.

I am therefore giving you 21 days notice from receipt of this letter to find alternative accommodation.

Thanks for your understanding during what has been a very difficult time for me.
RIANESS21"


21 days is sufficient. Perhaps she and her cats can move in with this boyfriend??? Perhaps have someone witness you handing her the letter so she can't claim she didn't know.


Be prepared on day 21 to change the locks!!!

saajan_12

1. Give her a written notice to leave in 7-10 days (written so its clear you mean it) Give the date that falls on so there no confusion.

2. If she hasn't left once the notice is over, change the locks when she's out and leave a letter on the door informing her how to collect her belongings (ie by making an appointment, accompanied by a 3rd party if you're worried).

3. If she has left, then change the locks anyway, and breathe!