Multigenerational Households: Living and Future Proofing

fuddle

Thank you all for your input. You have raised some really important points and made me realise that my kindness is for my girls and their families only. If we do this I may find myself caring for my mother in law and while I would like to be selfless. Oh. My. Word. In reality her two daughter have both four bedroom houses with only one child so the risk is small.

We've also realised another snag. The Party Wall Act. This could be a really bad headache because relations with next door have broke down to non existent. My main focus now is to learn the Party Wall Act and process involving surveyors in great detail. This could be extremely expensive and quite stressful before we even pick up a screw.

jamanda

I brought my parents to live with me 5.5 years ago, although we lost my Dad after a year. Our house is basically a 2 up 2 down semi with a kitchen extension.


My parents (now just my mum) have one downstairs sitting room and one bedroom.


A word of caution: The kitchen is accessed by them through my living room. They would not use the downstairs toilet/shower we installed so they didn't have to run up and down stairs. What I actually have now is a bedroom and the rest of the house is shared living space. No privacy. It is not for everyone (and wouldn't be for me either given a choice).


Mum now has dementia - about mid level - and I can't remove myself for a little while to get my head back in order. Be very careful because, with the best intentions in the world, sharing is very, very difficult.

[Deleted User]

I could not do it, not even in an annexe. It has taken me a lifetime to live by myself, to be responsible to no-one but me, to never have to ask if I can do this or that. At one point a dd pointed out a small house quite close to her and said `it would be really handy for school pick up, just kidding` well not just kidding, too handy, feed the hens, feed the dogs, child mind while they both go out.

Even my dd does not realise the consequences and then what could happen, if I had a fall and became trapped unable to do these things, the tables would be turned and there would be no way out for dd, she would become my carer while still working. Their freedom would go and quite probably when she and her dh are just at the age when their children are leaving, when they are re-discovering each other as a couple but cannot go away on holidays, being trapped, looking after aged family

On a personal level, staying in my own house is paramount, next stage maybe 10-15 years would be that massive final move, to a small sheltered apartment, while retaining some modicum of independence while keeping privacy for my family and for me. Those days of interdependency, as described by PN, are long gone as has the necessary close wide circle of support

fuddle

I think I come at it from a slightly different angle from many of you. I have this house because of my inheritance. I should never be a home owner, it wasn't in my destiny because of the past and the lifestyle I have chosen for myself (housewife, 1 salary family) It's a sanctuary, symbol of family and security. Having moved the girls 6times in 8years through private renting I guess I value 'home'. I do understand what you're all saying but it's just we would like to be a lifeline to the girls if ever they needed a roof... and until then peace can be found as they, 're teenagers together

I have to say I spend my days with the thoughts' when will they move out, argh! ' so I'm not as saintly as I may seem.

Callie22

It can be done, but it is difficult - I lived for many years in a three-generation household so I do have experience, and I agree very much with the poster above who mentioned space. You really do need enough space (and loos!) for everyone to be able to live without being on top of each other. It also becomes really difficult and costly if you start trying to create properly separate living accommodation. My family home has an annexe and there have been lots of problems with council tax and bills. Surprisingly annexes apparently make houses harder to sell on too. You'd think the government would do something about that given that it's a lot cheaper (to them ...) to have older people living with family, but it seems like it's one of those areas that doesn't really get consideration.

I also think that people do tend to romanticise the past a bit, and you do have to take into account that yes, whilst many households were multi-generational in the past, people just didn't live as long (or as independently) as they do today and modern multi-generational living is a very different kettle of fish. People are having children later, as well as living longer, and the 'sandwich' generation in the middle are experiencing very different kinds of pressures now - being in the middle of very young children and/or teenagers and very elderly parents is not easy! I also think that people do tend to ignore the fact that it can be a very stressful living situation, and even in cultures where it's more of a norm people don't always get treated with the care and dignity they deserve.

moneyistooshorttomention

On a slightly different tack and a question I've been wondering about for a while is:

- Is it possible for someone to get a mortgage on a property in someone else's garden (ie even if that "someone else" is their family). Eg a granny annexe (self-contained "home office" type building equivalent to a flat).

I have a distinct feeling it isn't - and someone I know isn't being told things quite "as they really are".

caronc

I think it can be done in the right space, properly converted otherwise it's a compromise for everyone which never bodes well in the long run.
A school friend of my son's grand parents who had a huge victorian villa are were looking to downsize as were his parents now the kids were grown up. The sale of the parent's house funded the conversion of the grandparent's house into two separate properties each of which can be sold independently. The grandparents live in the lower conversion which has 2 bedrooms, bathroom, kitchen and conservatory with separate entrances and gardens. The parents have the upper which is over two floors including attic and has three beds, lounge, dining room and two bathrooms (one en suite). All rooms in both are a decent size. To do it they had to sacrifice garden size and they have a common front entrance. It works well for them but did take lots of dosh. Unless I could do similiar (which I can't) it wouldn't be for me - I value my independence too much:)

Brambling

Many years ago my sister, BIL and 2 kids moved in with his mother and brother, the house was big enough for separate kitchens and lounges. I don't remember how many years they lived together but the final straw was when MIL didn't speak to my sister for 6 weeks, with my poor BIL caught in the middle as my sister had a temper.

There were Issues with the children and MIL favouring my nephew and ignoring his sister, both children were under 10 and he quickly learnt if mum said no granny would buy it for him. They were not allowed to forget that 'it's MY house you're living in' MIL would walk into their rooms without knocking even their bedroom :eek: it seems she just carried on in put the tea on the bedside cabinets, said good morning and left :rotfl:

TBH it wouldn't have worked either if it had been my mother they moved in with.

I believe with high house prices and rental fees especially in the SE living with parents will become more the norm even if just until they can save for a deposit, I know a couple of people who had children and their partners move back rent free to do this and it has worked because from the start it was only temporary. This is how things used to be especially after the war with housing shortages when parents would give up their front rooms for newlywed children before they could afford their first homes.

meanmarie

We have gone from being 2 in a 5 bed house to having DD1, DS1( 3 nights per week) DD3, baby and SIL(returned from Os) and DD2, DGDs1&3, so house os now full to the brim. The last 2 returnees are temporary as they will be moving on as soon as they find houses they can afford ( not easy here). We cook dinner on a rota system, 3 DDs are working, DSIL works from family computer room and takes care of DGD7. In almost a year there hasn't yet been a row.......few tense moments is all. They all contribute to ensure that I am not out of pocket, but I will be glad when there is once again a bit of space here.

Just another view....


Marie

jamanda

On the other hand, my friendly neighbours have very gradually and slowly changed and extended their house to enable their 3 sons to live there if necessary if they can't afford accommodation (just as Fuddle is thinking). Their 3 sons range from 15 to 19 years, and they are concerned about their ability to afford or find accommodation for themselves in years to come.


The house has changed from a normal 3 bed to a 4/5 bed, with extra toilet facilities. I have looked at this critically and think it is a sensible and do-able job, and rather wish I'd changed things around a bit when I was younger and had a bit more get up and go. They wouldn't be on top of each other too much.


I think anything you can do to future-proof your childrens' lives is certainly worth it.