Multigenerational Households: Living and Future Proofing

fuddle

My dear friend floss gave me the idea for this thread when I mentioned our plans for our 2 up 2 down plus bathroom 160 year old stone terraced house. Our house started it's life housing miners and their families with multiple generations squashed into the small space.

While I expect many people think I'm backward thinking for wanting to prepare our home for multiple generations living here, my nuclear family of four (children aged 1 and 4) suffered a housing crisis in 2009 and had no where to go, certainly not with family. We found housing via Gumtree but that was a really unpleasant experience. So my plans aren't about accepting backward thinking and circumstance but rather a way of helping my family should the future proove to be troublesome too.

I'd love to hear stories from those of you who are living with adult children, possibly their partners and offspring. How have you adapted emotionally and practically and really this would be a good place to vent and get support if ever there was a time that tempers frayed, likewise feelgood stories too.

Our girls share a bedroom at the moment. It's ok, they do well really but there are times when it gets fractious in there. I remind them of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and the scenes of grandparents all in one bed and explain that it's highly likely that their bedroom once looked similar, but while I teach the 'make do' method it isn't practical and with DH's skills we can do something about it.

I was 24, DH 28 when we left home. We jumped onto the housing ladder too early, in terms of finances, when DD1 was born. It's dawned on us that our children don't have it any better than we did and most probably they will find it even tougher. We simply want to be a safety net, that, if it came to it, their whole families could have a roof. I know, space isn't a luxury here but at least it would be doable if the house had 3 bedrooms.

We have decided that DH will get out the saw and drill and convert the loft. I wish it was as easy as that! Our first task is to save for, then hire an architectural draftsman to lay out the plans. This will take months. We expect the whole project to be at least 2 years in the making with DD's then 15 and 11.

We've decided to go the planning permission route so we can officially sell as a 3 bedroom house when that time comes, whether it's via the girls inheritance or not.

So. Multigenerational Living. My mam was brought up in a household that saw my Great Grandma being looked after by my Grandma and I would hazard a guess that Grandparents are living with their children around my ages with little ones too. It can't be that much of an archaic idea.

DigForVictory

It isn't, but with people moving to find work, it's fallen into desuetude.

When we were looking for a family home, we were offered (for peanuts given the space) an 18 bedroom former old folks home. When we eventually got past the no, we really do not need that, it had already sold to an Indian family who were delighted to find a purpose built family home with bathrooms galore all with grab handles. I presume when minimum room size legislation kicked in, several such abodes were on the market, but by now I fear they will have been snaffled & or converted.

One family we know bought two houses in a terrace & knocked the middle wall through (carefully.) They even managed to get the council to agree it was all one house, so only one lot of council tax. Paternal grandfather & baby of the house spent quality time with each other, both bathing & playing.

lessonlearned

It isn't an achaic idea at all. In many cultures multi generational living is the norm, not the exception. My next door neighbours are Lithuanian and have a multigenerational household,5 adults 2 children.

As I write I am sitting in my garden next to the back door (enjoying the shade). I can hear grandma next door cooking and chatting to one of the grandchildren, the other child is at school, mum, dad, grandfather and the grandparents younger son are all at work.

They are still renting the property but working hard and saving for their own home. With 4 adults working, it won't take them too long and in the meantime they enjoy a nice standard of living...no real skimping that I can see.

When my husband got sick, my youngest son returned home. He was a tremendous help. Then after my husband died my son and I continued to live together for another three years or so. It was lovely and now he's moved out I do miss him at times....although I like having a whole house to myself.

We have talked about the future, I'm 67 and so far in good nick. We have discussed what might happen and both my sons have expressed an interest in me building a "granny pod" in their gardens or perhaps a self contained extension of some sort.

I have friends who have done this with their grown up children. It seems to work very well for them. Grannies on tap can be quite useful....:rotfl:

I do think the way we live in the West is "new" rather than the traditional norm. I think that, historically, multigenerational living was quite common. Apparently the U.K. and the US now have the highest proportion of single person households. Is this model really sustainable.

With the pressure on housing and of course the expense involved then I think multi generational living may well become more prevalent again.

Whether it works well or not or whether it causes friction and resentment will depend on a number of factors. But given enough space, proper planning and a level of patience and tolerance I see no reason why it shouldnt work very well. I think matters such as privacy would need to be taken into account and boundaries would need to be clearly set and defined. But with a bit of forethought and careful use of space then I see no reason why it shouldn't work very well for you.

One thing that had occurred to me......what is your downstairs space like......is there enough space for a second sitting room. And also give a thought to the bathrooms, or at least a second toilet.....

lessonlearned

DigForVictory wrote: »

It isn't, but with people moving to find work, it's fallen into desuetude.

When we were looking for a family home, we were offered (for peanuts given the space) an 18 bedroom former old folks home. When we eventually got past the no, we really do not need that, it had already sold to an Indian family who were delighted to find a purpose built family home with bathrooms galore all with grab handles. I presume when minimum room size legislation kicked in, several such abodes were on the market, but by now I fear they will have been snaffled & or converted.

One family we know bought two houses in a terrace & knocked the middle wall through (carefully.) They even managed to get the council to agree it was all one house, so only one lot of council tax. Paternal grandfather & baby of the house spent quality time with each other, both bathing & playing.

Our local GP practice closed down. It was a substantial building on a large plot, which had been largely given over to car parking.

It was snaffled up by a multigenerational Indian family who turned into a lovely family home.

Islandmaid

Hi Fuddle

When we walked into our loft, we built a 'master suite' for us, decent size bedroom and EnSuite with built in wardrobes - that way we wouldn't have teens stomping upstairs when we were trying to sleep

Multigenerational living appears to be more popular, DH is a builder, and we, as a company are doing more house conversations to accommodate granny/kids/grandkids - to my mind with the cost of childcare and senior care it's a fab symbiotic relationship if you can make it work, go for it x

Re: stairs - it's surprising what a good architect can suggest, our stairs are fitted in an area I would have never thought of, and they are a standard width/size etc and our EnSuite is much bigger than I would have ever thought possible.

fuddle

I hadn't thought of it as being a cultural norm for many and that my modern culture has turned its back on its own tradition.

There's no room to extend outwards no and the only other bathroom would be, as Islandmaid suggests, in the loft space. Lots to think about though. We don't even have space in the house for a dining table. We have one breakfast bar that sits 4 maximum so we are up against it in terms of being comfortably and having adequate privacy.

monnagran

Fuddle, as you know, I have tried it.

I think that we all wanted it to work. The problem was that I had been an independent woman for too long. I desperately needed my own space and the way of life that had taken me more than 70 years to carve out for myself.
You know how much I adore my family but I resented having to lurk in my room waiting for the bathroom to be free, or listening out before I went downstairs not wanting to step into one of their private moments or arguments, or seeing if any cooking was going on before I got my meal.
Although it was my house I felt that it was their home as they had been living in it for nearly 4 years before I arrived.

We looked at houses with a 'granny annexe' but in all cases the annexe was one tiny sitting room with a kitchen in the corner and steep stairs going up to an en-suite bedroom. As I wanted a home for the rest of my life I did not want stairs.

In the end they moved into a rented bungalow in the village so that I can sell the house and buy a bungalow.

I still love them all to bits and more so since we are not living under one roof.
If the time ever comes when I can no longer look after myself I will take the move into a home with as good a grace as I can muster.

In your case fuddle I can see that another bedroom would make life much easier for the girls. No doubt you will want room for them to return home from time to time after they have officially left. My boys certainly did as jobs, health and relationships fluctuated. But to welcome an entire family into your home can only be really workable on a temporary basis.

I remember that my grandmother and unmarried aunt moved in with us when my grandmother was the same age as I am now, so that my mother could be there to look after Nan when auntie was at work.
I had already left home but spent a lot of time there during school holidays. One day I asked Nan if she liked living in this new home - they had their own bedrooms and sitting room and ate with the family.
Nan had tears in her eyes as she told me that every day she mentally walked through her bungalow that she had left. I don't think she was ever really happy again. She was safe and well looked after, but not happy.

One size does not fit all. 3 generational living sounds great in theory. It takes a lot of hard work and an awful lot of lip-buttoning!

Islandmaid

monnagran wrote: »

an awful lot of lip-buttoning!

Well, that's me out then..... lip buttoning is not something I am know for :rotfl::rotfl:

I will end up being the mad Old women, with blue bloomers and waaay to many cats

PasturesNew

It was different back then for more reasons than just the apparent number of people in a house - because "everywhere" locally was also everybody's home.

My sister/mum lived with granny for awhile and my sister said "there were so many people coming/going and sleeping/leaving that I really had no idea who lived there".

At, say, the start of the War, my mother was in a 3-bed house with 8 people: granny/grandfather, uncles, newly married uncle/aunt, cousins. Within 400 yards there were probably 20 other households that were also related. Her mum/step-father/half-brothers and sister were round the corner in their house. Nobody ever "left home" they just moved into their own place within a spitting distance... and, apart from sleeping, they spent most of their time wandering between each others' houses and helping out here/there, running errands, popping in, sorting out, collecting/delivering. Between the mass of what was probably 50-60 of them "in close proximity" I bet they all evolved to have "their jobs"... mum used to feed the pigs on the allotment and get everybody's coal in the War.

Every time they stepped out of the houses they knew all the neighbours and everybody - and everybody knew them - and they could all just ask a favour, help out, collect/deliver for each other as they were "going that way myself". And all without even thinking about it.

Whole villages were heavily inter-married and many hadn't ever left the village, or gone far, so everybody knew everybody.

Different ballgame to one house, one family.

moneyistooshorttomention

I get PN's drift that it probably does have an effect on what one thinks/feels about this according to whether you regard it as "the norm" to have relatives around or no. In my area it definitely isnt and I guess that would affect attitudes all round.

I can see a very visible difference between my home city (ie where it was doubtful whether Person A would even know Person and only a small proportion of people seemed to be "locals". Compare and contrast to town in West Wales - and one of the first things you're told by other incomers "Careful what you say - because such a high proportion of people here were born here and if you say something about Person A to Person B you might well find they are a cousin of theirs".

[Deleted User]

We considered multi generational when we first thought of moving with DD1 and James and the lads but there was never a house big enough in the right area for both of us, plenty in out of the way areas but DD doesn't drive and neither do I so that wasn't suitable and a lot of larger houses in the city have no garden because it's either been built over or become parking. The only way I could manage even with DD1 to who I'm very close, would be for us to have a completely separate unit with our own front door and space, a basement conversion or a whole floor that could be completely independent, I don't think any of us in my family would be happy without some separate space for quiet and privacy.