Money Moral Dilemma: Should I claim my unpaid child support?

Marvel1

If the second husband paid towards costs i don't blame him.

I fail to see how it's your sons money in the first place, does child benefit get paid directly to them?

happyinflorida

There are a number of things here. As usual there isn't enough information given, which is always so annoying. MSE you need to give more info as you are provided with more usually - give it please.



1 Discuss this with your son first. Get his opinion. That is most important.


2 If your son has a good relationship with his father, is this going to sour the relationship? It shouldn't but obviously there could be reasons why it would, such as his dad not being able to afford to give this money and resenting having to do so now.


3 Did your second husband have to pay for your sons things that were needed, ie food, clothes, etc? If yes, did it cause him to go without during that time? ie was money short and there wasn't enough for 2nd hubby to do things he wanted or buy what he wanted? If yes, then he has got a say in the matter but if you're well off now, it would be nicer if he allowed your son to have this bonus - especially in view of his saving for a house.


4 You need to talk this out properly with your son and your second husband, otherwise there will be conflict.


5 Do your second husband and your son not get on well and is that why, if the money goes to your son, you think there will be conflict?


6 If your second husband only partially paid towards keeping your son and if he's insisting on having his money back, then sit down and work out how much was spent by him and agree a figure and let him have that amount.


7 Child maintenance is paid to cover the costs of bringing up a child, so if there is any surplus, your son should have received that towards going out, paying for treats - like playing ten pin bowling for instance, or other days out and for benefitting him - this has to go to your son, not your second husband.


Rather you than me sorting this all out. You've got to be strong here and think seriously about whether of not you want all the strain of getting this sorted.


If your first husband cannot afford to pay now, you also need to seriously think about the consequences of making him pay. If it all goes bad, are you going to be able to live with what happens - I'm saying this for your own peace of mind and health, as stress and worry makes many very ill.


I hope it all works out ok for you.

pinkpoison

Can I ask how you found this out please? As I have only been allocated child support since it changed to the CMS? Which doesn't seem fair as my son is now 19 and I have only ever been paid anything for the last 2 years.

saskia29

My first thought is that the money should go to you, as child support is paid to help with expenses involved in bringing a child up. In the absence of any money from your ex, you had to foot the bill for everything so this is reimbursement. How many people put their child support payments into a bank account to save up and give to the child when they're adults? Not that many I'm guessing, so I don't see why this should be the case just because the money is coming in years later. That said, if you are comfortable for money and don't 'need' it, giving it all to your son would be a lovely gesture that I'm sure he would appreciate.

pollypenny

A further thought;

we have no idea how many children are in the family or their financial circumstances. Did the second husband find himself having to work lots of overtime to support the family?

It sounds as if the biological father has avoided his responsibilities and the stepdad picked them up.

Why not use the bulk of the money for the whole family?

Marisco

We don't really have enough info to comment really. The first line of the op says "I've been told" by whom? The CMS? Mary down the road? Family? Friends? If the ex hasn't paid for over 20 years, is he likely to cough up now? And why is the assumption 10k will be handed over altogether? How many have 10k they can just hand over? If it's CSA/CMS arrears then it's odds on it will be x amount per month, not 10k in a lump sum.



Another thing to bare in mind is the family dynamics. Does the son get on with dad, would persuing the money cause rifts between father, son, family etc? Personally I'd not go for it, they've managed this far without it, it seems to already be causing problems if the op has to ask. Step dad wants to keep it, mother wants to give it to son, is it really worth causing trouble about it now after all these years?

DPS-2016

From my POV, who ends up with the money is for you to decide as and when you receive it. Technically it's your money to help bring up (or have brought up) the child(ren) that you had with your ex-husband. What you choose to do with it is of course up to you - and I personally think it's a wonderful thing (if you are financially able) to offer your child(ren) onto the housing ladder, particularly in the difficult times that many young people find themselves in in terms of not only housing but also jobs and rates of pay, costs of uni etc.

However, one thing that I think you should definitely not do is to 'let the money go'. It's not fair on yourself, nor is it fair on your son.

I'm sure there were sacrifices that you had to made and many times where you could have really done with this money - and, had you stayed together with your ex-husband, he would presumably have contributed to your son's upbringing. The ex husband should think himself very fortunate that he's had the money up until now.

I think you owe it to not just yourself, but also your son, to claim any money that is rightfully owed.

FBaby

Fully agree with Marisco. There is the legal position and the moral one and we know in such cases that when it comes to morality, what is right or wrong is much cloudy and some situations are indeed very grey.

Ms_Sheringham

Go halves as already suggested or give away to your favourite charities!

Mrs_Imp

Just remember that the CSA, or whatever it's called now, can and does get their sums wrong. I've come across several cases where CSA told the mother 'you're owed X amount in unpaid support' only to discover that they'd used completely wrong information to make the calculation and no money was owed as the father had paid the correct amount.
By all means follow it up, but don't spend it in your head until you're sure that 1) they calculated it correctly and 2) you're actually going to get it.