Working FT but want joint custody

is it likely and a reasonable thing to want joint custody while working full time? I current see them 2 nights per week.


my ex is becoming unbearable with her behaviour about money and even to the point that she is lying to cms about my payments.. (proved via bank statements).


I would love to see my kids half the week and only havent because my ex told me not to, however now i think it is better for all if i apply for joint.

Is this a reasonable thing to do... as it will ensure i get enough time with the kids and also close all issues with her lying and trying to fabricate issues with finance and will enable me to know where i am all the time as she will not be doing anything else on the sly.

Comments

  • Rubik
    Rubik Posts: 315
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    edited 6 July 2018 at 3:56PM
    Yes- but your motives for making an application for a Child Arrangements Order needs have a child-focus approach, rather than one that you are suggesting "close all issues with her lying and trying to fabricate issues with finance and will enable me to know where i am all the time as she will not be doing anything else on the sly."

    Going through the family court is not an easy ride, for anyone. Your children will have to meet with a Cafcass officer, and there will be a number of hearings. Ideally, any issues that you and your ex are having with each other should be sorted out (or at the very least, attempted) in family mediation. If your motives are purely due to your ex's attitude to the amount of CM you pay, then I'm afraid that a court application won't alter her attitude - it may make her worse.

    If you are paying CM on a family based arrangement basis, then you could contact the CMS to open up a case so that they asses you correctly, and you will then only pay the statutory amount. (note that you have to pay a small amount in addition to the CM for using the CMS).

    How old are the children, and how long has the current arrangements been in place? How would you arrange child-care for after school hours, and holidays/inset days etc?
  • splreece
    splreece Posts: 37
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    thanks for the quick response.

    My kids are 5 and 3... we split when they were 1 and 3.

    The money amount isn't the issue with me.. am happy to pay whatever is recommended for the arrangements... i'm happy to see kids the 2 days or more...... i would love to see them more. ive never missed payments or pickups or changed arrangements.....which i would hope is the norm for most.

    I am simply trying to figure out a way to actually stop all the lying cheating and sjw style claiming victimhood when she is actually the bully in the arrangement.

    its not the right use of shared ownership at all i can understand that but what action can i take because ultimately the more lies she gets away with the more she will tell.

    Mediation will cost me full price and her nothing so she has already agreed to it, but she has already said he will use it to just vent frustrations and ultimately do it to bankrupt me.... i simply can't afford £100+ per session for her to invent more issues each time which she has no intention of legitimately trying to resolve.

    I started the cms calc myself as i was paying close to 500 per month and cms recommended 230 yet she was constantly claiming poverty and I needed an independant 3rd party to act as the formal arrangement.

    The has told cms i am underpaying even though my bank statements prove otherwise..... and theres been many more lies.


    so just trying to figure out how to get a normal arrangement.... but mature adult talking doesnt work
  • Rachel83
    Rachel83 Posts: 335
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    So surely going through the CMS cuts out your issues with money? They can be issued to collect it and then pay her. If she pleads poverty then tough luck its the amount they set
  • elsien
    elsien Posts: 32,267
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    Mediators aren't daft. And you will need to go through it before it ends up in court to show willing.
    What are the current arrangements for weekends and holidays? If you have half of these under shared care you will need to consider the arrangements for school holidays and half terms, for example. And time off when they are ill. What about the gap between when they start/finish school and you need to be at work. How flexible are your employers with you being able to take time off in school holidays/at short notice?
    It is do-able but it needs thought and planning. And you have to be reasonable in turn and make some compromises. You can't expect your ex to fit her life and childcare around your work patterns.
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
  • splreece
    splreece Posts: 37
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    edited 6 July 2018 at 6:58PM
    Rachel83 wrote: »
    So surely going through the CMS cuts out your issues with money? They can be issued to collect it and then pay her. If she pleads poverty then tough luck its the amount they set


    Thats what i thought... their official take on it is..."we dont police what she does or spends money on ".

    Basically if she doesn't pay the nursary or school fees and they come to me, shes also tried to sign the contracts into my name so she keeps all cms and cb/wtc for herself.

    When i spoke to CMS they said she could spend the money on sweets if she wanted to, they don't care as long as they know the monthly payments are made.
  • splreece
    splreece Posts: 37
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    Yeah i spoke with a couple who said they don't recommend using mediators as we were never married and dont have estate or arrangement issues.. so they dont see a lot of where they could add value.

    I have kids friday from school to monday morning when i drop them off..(50/50 saturdays).

    I have them half all hols as well.

    i am a civil servant and work is extremely flexible including working from home when needed..


    elsien wrote: »
    Mediators aren't daft. And you will need to go through it before it ends up in court to show willing.
    What are the current arrangements for weekends and holidays? If you have half of these under shared care you will need to consider the arrangements for school holidays and half terms, for example. And time off when they are ill. What about the gap between when they start/finish school and you need to be at work. How flexible are your employers with you being able to take time off in school holidays/at short notice?
    It is do-able but it needs thought and planning. And you have to be reasonable in turn and make some compromises. You can't expect your ex to fit her life and childcare around your work patterns.
  • elsien
    elsien Posts: 32,267
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    edited 6 July 2018 at 7:12PM
    Having the children every weekend all weekend is unusual because it's generally seen that it's unfair on one parent to have all the hassle of school/homework/daily grind and for the other parent to then get all the weekend "fun" time.
    Your description of two nights a week is slightly misleading when it's effectively all weekend. How does the 50/50 on Saturday work? And if you have them Friday to Monday is that not 3 nights?
    You might need to clarify a bit more to get more accurate suggestions. And you don't have arrangement issues at the moment but you might when you propose the new arrangements.
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
  • splreece
    splreece Posts: 37
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    edited 6 July 2018 at 7:44PM
    I offered previously but these arrangements have all been dictated by the ex.

    I would say both have issues... The daily grind of a weekday arrangement is an emotive statement as it assumes one is harder than another, i would say that dropping kids off at daycare and school and having 3-4 days a week to do whatever takes her fancy perhaps a different experience then working full time and having kids on the weekend (i too do homework, i have a house all suitable for kids, i too take them to classes and after school events).


    I would worry if society and courts assumes due to gender that certain jobs aren't being done or that either has a greater struggle, as arguments can be made for both


    The 2 nights is how she has calculated the cms claim timing and i havent argued with it , but it could be deemed more like 2-3 as its from friday afterschool to monday morning and alternate saturday afternoons/overnights depending on arrangements.

    That is true, arrangement isn't an issue at all, the only issue is the lying and cheating to get more money, so i would perhaps be causing more issues that is resolves.

    However that means that i have to accept that this abusive behaviour is something i just accept and deal with .. it seems, well, just wrong.

    I would have thought there would be processes to stop abuses in the system for monetary or malicious gain, but that is perhaps wishful thinking.
    elsien wrote: »
    Having the children every weekend all weekend is unusual because it's generally seen that it's unfair on one parent to have all the hassle of school/homework/daily grind and for the other parent to then get all the weekend "fun" time.
    Your description of two nights a week is slightly misleading when it's effectively all weekend. How does the 50/50 on Saturday work? And if you have them Friday to Monday is that not 3 nights?
    You might need to clarify a bit more to get more accurate suggestions. And you don't have arrangement issues at the moment but you might when you propose the new arrangements.
  • Armorica
    Armorica Posts: 866
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    What about a week on, a week off? That can work out for some families.

    It's pretty odd her not having them at least some weekends.
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