Split family and MIL!! Do I just give up?

Louise1234

It's hard to explain in short version but I will try!

I met my now fiance 5 years ago, he has a son who was 3 and I had a son who was 11 months (now almost 9 and 6). Step son has mental health and anger problems that he is getting help for which he wouldn't be getting if it wasn't for me pushing for help for him. He has calmed down a lot and without being big headed he would have been excluded and still be a very angry little boy if it wasn't for the things that I and his dad have done.

The ex wife of my fiance unknown to my fiance and myself was saying some very hurtful and all untrue things about me behind my back to future MIL which ended up in her not liking me.... I was neglecting / being horrible to step son.... which is so far from the truth it's laughable. That I favoured my son and he got away with everything while step son was punished and I didn't want him. Anyway nothing was said to us and it all came out last summer in a big row. MIL cried and apologised that she wished she knew earlier and was so sorry for believing the lies. Luckily with things happening with step son I actually had it in writing everything I have done so it was easy to squash what had been said.

Things were better for a few months and I felt like things were getting better but she just doesn't like my son. She can't hide it, she argues with us about him. She said she wanted to be called Grandma so he calls her that and he doesn't understand why "Grandma doesn't like me". She would hug step son for ages standing rocking him while back to my own son. I didn't say anything until my son got upset about it. It was discussed with her and things were changed so it wasn't all hugging and blatant infront of him.

She then got the hump that she was told when she could hug her grandchild and that my son should "just get on with it".

A couple more things happened and fiance spoke to her, they both shouted and she ended up crying. The thing is my family treat son and step son exactly the same.... same number of presents, same money if any given, same Easter eggs. To them step son is as much a grandchild as my son. The same my son is as much my fiances "son" as his own blood son so he will not have one son upset.

Every birthday or Christmas step son gets way more presents or more money etc. So we try and split it out so he doesn't realise.

MIL says she bets fiance wouldn't say this to my mum bla bla bla but he doesn't have to..... he is treated the same.

Didn't congratulate us when we got engaged, or bought our house, isn't interested in the wedding or that we want another baby.

There are lots more things and incidents but too many to go into.

What do we do?

Fiance is ready to cut her out. I would feel bad about it. But she is making my five year old cry. I don't expect her to feel the same way, I'm sure it is different if you don't live with the child but just pretend.... buy him a doughnut.... ask how he is. Fake smile to his face..... anything!

He says if it happens again she isn't seeing step son either and she can forget it.

gycraig_2

Jog her on she is being spiteful to a young child

Mummy2cheekymonkeys

I would have a look at the other MIL thread!! If your partner is ready to cut her out go with it!!

AylesburyDuck

You've got a good one if he's prepared to cut the toxicity out of your lives.
Let him...........anyone that can, lets face it, BULLY a child, deserves everything she gets!

Rev

Sorry but life is too short. Anyone who can knowingly be hurtful to a five year old doesn!!!8217;t deserve your time.

honeypop

If you decide to minimise contact/cut her out, I'd advise that OH be the one to do all the talking on it, so she knows it's come from him too, and you aren't 'behind it all, scheming and breaking the family up' or however she might see it.

However, I'd be tempted to speak to her one last time and let her know how you all feel about the difference in the way your sons are treated, and what will happen if she can't sort herself out.

About this bit though:

Louise1234 wrote: »

Didn't congratulate us when we got engaged, or bought our house, isn't interested in the wedding or that we want another baby.

I wouldn't judge her on that, these life events are rarely interesting to anyone other than the people involved, unless you are particularly close (she doesn't sound as if she is).

The rest of her behaviour though, pick her up on it one last time and make it clear what the consequences are if she doesn't improve.

DCFC79

What does your fiances father think of it ?

gettingtheresometime

Actually until this is sorted I'd be tempted to delay having a baby.

Once you do have another child, your son is going to be even more excluded.

Louise1234

I haven't actually said anything to MIL yet.... maybe I should? It's all been fiance so far.

His mum and dad are split up. Step dad has no kids and doesn't like kids so I think is probably a driving force to her behaviour..

His dad thinks she is being out of order but wants us to ignore it and carry on.

Louise1234

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

Actually until this is sorted I'd be tempted to delay having a baby.

Once you do have another child, your son is going to be even more excluded.

We are completely fine, our relationship is really strong, our little family life is bear enough perfect. We have our own house, good jobs, financially stable. Great relationship with everyone else it's just MIL.

If she doesn't sort it with my son.... maybe I am mean..... but she won't be having anything to do with the new baby until she sorts it out

Kim_kim

I!!!8217;m going to buck opinion here, she!!!8217;s not his gran, she!!!8217;s his step dads mother. She!!!8217;s not his blood gran & she!!!8217;s not wanting to be his nan.
I wouldn!!!8217;t have made him call her gran, she!!!8217;s not acting it.
I think it!!!8217;s perfectlt ok for her to be his stepdads mother and leave it at that.
Your sons confusion will be thinking she!!!8217;s more. If she!!!8217;s just Doris then she!!!8217;s just an old lady relation & he probably won!!!8217;t be unhappy about it, as he won!!!8217;t have any expectations of grandmotherly love.