Does anyone here have depression or know someone with it?

niwlwtmn

I am just wondering if I could ask a few questions? I have never had experience with someone with depression until now and I have no idea how to deal with what has happened.


Patner of almost 18 years was diagnosed with depression a few months ago, is on medication and is seeing a councellor. I had no idea anything was wrong until he woke up one day and told me to leave and that he no longer wanted to be with me, no other explaination, just silent treatment so I left and went to stay with family, we kept in touch via whatsapp and after talking he said he felt the only way to deal with his derpession was to deal with it alone. we spoke of ways I could help when he felt that way, such as me sleeping in the spare room for a few days so he had some space etc, I ended up going back to him after i thought we had it figured out.



When I got back everything seemed normal, we went for a weekend away, got back home and two days later he has done it again, literally woke up and told me to leave once again, he refused to talk it through just that he wanted to be on his own.


Once again we have been talking here and there online and I told him I didn't want to put any pressure on him, and I was willing to wait a few months, with us living apart, to see if he feels any better in himself, then we could meet up to talk things through, he has agreed to that but at the same time says he will not promise me anything as he doesn't want to get my hopes up or say the wrong thing, I asked if he still loves me and his reply was that he is unable to feel anything for anyone right now and even though he might smile it is fake.



He said his mind is all jumbled up and he needs to get himself right, that nobody can help him, only himself.


My questions: do people with depression feel the need to deal with it on their own? do I need to leave him alone and give him the time he needs? do I walk away altogether? how do others with depression cope if they are in a long term relationship/married but need space from their partner? Im sure their partner doesn't get thrown out everytime the depression comes around.



On my part I still love him and I miss him so much, I miss who he used to be, i miss the life we had and the future we will probably not have now. I have nobody to talk to, my family do not like him very much for "throwing me away" they believe he is using the depression as a excuse or a cop out and that he no longer loves me or wants to be with me but doesn't know how to tell me.


what is the best way for me to deal with all this?


thank you.

motorguy

niwlwtmn wrote: »

my family do not like him very much for "throwing me away" they believe he is using the depression as a excuse or a cop out and that he no longer loves me or wants to be with me but doesn't know how to tell me.

thank you.

I'm inclined to agree with this.

It sounds like he wants out of the relationship and is using depression as the excuse.

If hes on medication then that should be working within 2 weeks. If hes still depressed and on the medication then he needs to speak to his doctor and get his dosage revised OR does he drink alchohol as that will nullify the medication?

Pushing you away is a horrible thing to do and it could take years for him to recover fully from depression - if he recovers at all. A lot of people just have to learn to live with having depression. Pushing away your partner doesnt sound right.

Fireflyaway

Yes. Living with a depressed person can be very frustrating because you often feel shut out and powerless. It's horrid seeing someone you love suffer and horrible not being allowed / able to help.
Everyone is different. Some people do want to be alone or sleep a lot. Sometimes because it's painful to talk about the issue of maybe because they don't want to appear weak or to burden you. Other people are skilled at acting normal and putting a front on and some will cry or turn to drink or alcohol. So yes, what's happening is normal.
I think writing a letter is a good way to communicate your feelings. You can express that you care and want to help without putting the person under pressure to respond immediately. I'd ask what the problem is. Not always but usually there is an underlying issue. Maybe your partner is worried about your reaction?
Even though your partner is unwell you deserve an explanation. Especially if they are leaving and coming back and leaving you unsure about the future.
Medication can take a while to work. Some work better than others and some has side effects. Again everyone is different.
I think being quietly supportive is a good approach. Be positive about the future. Arrange to do something together but don't talk about the depression. Compliment the person and reassure them of their good characteristics and achievements.
Look after yourself too. It's draining living with a depressed person. Have time to follow your own interests and don't feel guilty having a lie in or a long bath or a film night. Skip the housework and relax!
I've personally known 4 people suffer from depression. One was even hospitalized but is now living a fulfilling life. Things can change.

comeandgo

Yes, I have depression and at its worst I want to be alone, even to the extent of hiding in the back of the cupboard. When I first started my tablets they took six weeks to work and to get the right dose. The tablets are an absolute god send. Makes me functional again.

motorguy

comeandgo wrote: »

Yes, I have depression and at its worst I want to be alone, even to the extent of hiding in the back of the cupboard. When I first started my tablets they took six weeks to work and to get the right dose. The tablets are an absolute god send. Makes me functional again.

Agreed. The O/Ps partner has been on medication for several months now therefore should be able to function reasonably normally now.

Keeping the O/P at a distance suggests something else is underlying.

rach_k

Everybody is different so it may be that he does really need space... but why are you the one having to leave? He wants space so he should be the one to go. I understand that he's ill but that doesn't mean you need to pander to his every whim. He may discover that his need to be alone becomes less important if it's him having to pack his bags!

niwlwtmn

I forgot to mention it is his house. We lived together there. We were supposed to be buying somewhere together but obviously thats not happening now.

System

Well all I can say is it's a good job you've got a family's you can rely on or you would be homeless.

He might be depressed but it shouldn't stop you being treated with respect.

geminilady

Maybe he needs a different medication if he is feeling no better,sometimes you need to try a few before you find one that works.Does he feel the counselling is helping? If not he needs to go back to his gp. Why would he use the depression as an excuse to break up with you.If he had stopped loving you don't you think he would have the guts to tell you.Only you know the kind of man he is. Depression is an illness that is hard for anyone to cope with especially men, which may be why he wants to be on his own.

niwlwtmn

Geminilady that is what i am struggling with. Im a having everyone in my family telling me he doesnt love me. In my head he is ill and going through something hard and doesnt know where he is at the moment. I want to support him but he wont let me. My heart is telling me to stand by him and give him time. All through the relationship he was always loving and affectionate and its like his personality has completely changed to unfeeling and cold towards me without warning.

BrassicWoman

When I am having a bout, I need to be left alone. Trying to talk me out of that, or needing things from me, is not helpful.


Drugs, when we get the right ones, and I've been taking them for a while help; but it can take a few goes to get the right drugs. They make me "not feel", so on medication, I'm never going to make big love declarations; all my emotions are supressed so I can function in a semi normal transactional way.



Every day is a struggle, sometimes to get through just resisting urges to self harm. So some days, someone needing the smallest thing even just a text nessage, can have you in tears for an hour.



You may be grieving for the person he isn't just now. There is no promise he is going to be that person again.


You need to make your best decision for you. It's all you can do. Then either make no contact and move on, or make non demanding contact in a supportive way.


But it has to be your choice; you are the person responsible for your own happiness, just as he is for his.