Getting over my ex

Single_Dad_Still

Hi, my first post so please be gentle with me.

So, in a nutshell I’m really struggling to get over the end of my last relationship. We met 9 years ago, were in a relationship for almost 8 which ended in October last year (though in reality it was over a long time before that).

I’m mid 40s, single with 2 great kids. I’ve only had 2 serious relationships in my life - my wife (and kids mum) who passed away 10 years ago and my ex.

I have a decent job I enjoy and my kids to keep me busy but I can’t stop thinking about my ex and feeling sad.

So how have other people coped after a break up? What did you do to get over things?

Thanks for any advice.

hollydays

Speak to your doctor?
Get into dating again?
Find things to distract your mind.

flashg67

Keeping busy outside of work / kids might help - finding support groups or social events locally with similar people? Any hobbies, clubs, sports, volunteering etc you can join in with.

Have a night or two out 'with the lads'. I found that even in my late 30s when I was getting divorced, a little flirting gave me a boost, even if nothing serious was going to come of it.

Poppy1984

I really feel for you, it must be very difficult to have lost your wife and the mother of your children to then find love again and find yourself single after 8 years.

It's okay to feel sad and to miss your ex, it's ok to think about her and feel sad. Hive yourself permission to feel that way because fighting/ resisting those feelings will only make them more powerful.

Work on yourself, what makes you happy, what do you enjoy spending your time doing, what brings you joy? Perhaps find a new hobby/ interest. Connect to people in your life, spend time with your children, contact a family member or old mate arrange to meet up and catch up. After being in relationships most of your adult life I can understand you feeling a bit uncertain but it really can be fun being single. You get to be really selfish and do the things you enjoy without having to consider another's feelings. I spent 10 years single and although it could be lonely at times I was very happy. I spent a lot of time getting to know me, I worked on myself. I spent time building up wonderful relationships with my friends and family members.

You can get over this and feel whole when you're single and then if you get to a point where you're ready to start dating again you'll feel so much more secure and happier.

Good luck

Doodles

Breakups suck, and you sound like you are still grieving for the loss of that relationship.

Sounds like you are doing the right things by working, and spending time with your kids, but it can feel very 'empty' can't it (I've been there!)

It will get better in time, but my advice would be to jazz things up a bit and do something that you've always wanted to do, go outside your comfort zone a little. Something that will focus your mind heavily that you can feel excited about.

After my breakup with my husband, it took a long time, but one day I found myself not thinking about him very much, and eventually he didn't consume my thoughts whatsoever. I found comfort in my daily life, my routine and the people around me. There's no magic time of recovery from a relationship.

BrassicWoman

Don't focus on getting over it

Do fill your life with things you want to do and people you want to see.

onomatopoeia99

Time. Some people can flit from relationship to relationship without a pause, but most need time to grieve and recover. There is no magic solution, and it might even take a couple of years, but it will get better.

Circumstances were different but I have been through it and emerged out the other side.

benten69

hollydays wrote: »

Speak to your doctor?

I wouldn't bother with that. Most doctors these days barely have 5 minutes to spend with you and in this situation will probably just prescribe an anti-depressant or something similar, and if you have ever read the side effects those things can have I would avoid them like the plague. I remember having some prescribed to me. Took one read of the leaflet inside the pack and threw them out, knowing they would probably be worse for me in the long run, and glad I did.

As for the OP, the post above sums it up...time is the only healer, time is the only thing that will make you feel better. However filling your time with hobbies, friends, your kids, flirting with some new women (possibly more also) will certainly help the time pass by.

My best advice though....DO NOT keep in touch with her! It will do nothing more then prolong the time you feel hurt and upset.

pearl123

I spend a decade getting over an ex. Now with hindsight it was a complete and utter waste of time. My advice try and mentally move on as soon as possible.

hazyjo

Avoid all contact if you're hurting. That includes 'social media stalking' (which is very tempting!). I found myself looking at exes and being nosy and even thinking 'what if...' or feeling mixed emotions including hate and anger (my ex husband who cheated on me), and even local people near where I once lived who made my life hell for one reason or another, but it's so destructive. I found it easier to just hit the block button so you can never be tempted again.


The feelings you get when you break up with someone are very similar to feelings of missing a loved one. They get a bit jumbled up when you're feeling any sort of grief, so I expect a lot of what you're feeling is to do with the loss of your wife. It's opened up old wounds.


As above really, there's no magic formula. Sometimes burying it all under an imaginary plaster helps, sometimes leaving the wound open and feeling the pain and letting the tears come helps. Whatever's right for you - just try to move on again once you have let it all out. Then you can start to heal.


Jx

bertiewhite

flashg67 wrote: »

Have a night or two out 'with the lads'. I found that even in my late 30s when I was getting divorced, a little flirting gave me a boost, even if nothing serious was going to come of it.

I was going to suggest having a "disengagement party"