Birthday gift

POPPYOSCAR

MXW wrote: »

We have been seeing each other a couple of years. He struggles with what to buy me. He comes from a very big family (9 siblings), and they tend not to buy for each other, apart from special birthdays. He has 2 children, and just gives them money ( I can understand this).

He has bought me gifts in the past, but I think he's run out of ideas. At Christmas he bought me a couple of (very nice smelly things..body shop stuff) to unwrap, and put some money in an envelope for me.

This time he's just said, I've no idea what to buy you (meaning clothes, shoes etc), and you will need to try them on....so you have and buy something and I'll give you the money.

I've no intention of buying anything, not to be awkward with him, but because of how it makes me feel.

I did turn it around on him and say to him that I found it a bit impersonal, and how would be feel if I said to him on his birthday...oh, just go and buy yourself something, and I'll give you the money. He said...oh when you put it like that, I can see where you're coming from!

I'm not going to sulk, or kick off, or anything like that, but I do feel a bit hurt, and just wondered if I'm overreacting, and what other people's opinions are. Is it just a case of he just couldn't be bothered? I'm not sure!

In all fairness, he is a great person, and we are very happy. I don't want to make a mountain out of a mole hill...but can't deny it has bothered me.

It would not bother me personally.

My OH never knows what to get me and in the past he has often had to return them.

Why not suggest you go out together shopping you can choose a few things and he can then go and choose one of them so you still get a surprise.

Mojisola

MXW wrote: »

We have been seeing each other a couple of years. He struggles with what to buy me. He comes from a very big family (9 siblings), and they tend not to buy for each other, apart from special birthdays. He has 2 children, and just gives them money ( I can understand this).

I think you probably need to accept that this is what he's like.

If he went out of his way to buy perfect gifts for other people but not you, that would be different.

Perhaps the two of you could do something on your birthdays rather than have presents - that way you get to talk about it and decide together.

If a gift is important to you, do as I said before and give him a short list.

(One of my mother's friends used to give her husband a jeweller's catalogue with several items circled for him to chose from - that way, she got exactly what she wanted!)

MXW

Mojisola wrote: »

I think you probably need to accept that this is what he's like.

If he went out of his way to buy perfect gifts for other people but not you, that would be different.

Perhaps the two of you could do something on your birthdays rather than have presents - that way you get to talk about it and decide together.

If a gift is important to you, do as I said before and give him a short list.

(One of my mother's friends used to give her husband a jeweller's catalogue with several items circled for him to chose from - that way, she got exactly what she wanted!)

Thank you for that.

PrettyKittyKat

Sounds like he thought he was doing the right thing.... some e some people would absolutely love to be told to go and buy something they want/would like, this is why lots of people like being given money. I know some people like this who absolutely love having a day of shopping to spend their birthday/christmas money.

Why not help him? Give him a list of things you would like, or need, they can have an element of surprise still included, for example I would like some pjs in a size whatever - so the design is still a surprise . And list more things than you would expect him to buy (explaining this to him!) so he has to select which ones he would like to buy you. I do this every year for my husband/family mainly as my birthday and christmas fall close together, everyone always asks what I would like, but I like an element of surprise! My husband over the years has learnt what types of things i like and will always buy things from 'the list' but takes a gamble with a gift also. He has done well with this (A beautiful leather jacket I would never had dreamed of buying for myself) but also not done so well (An apple watch which I didn't want!) but we are now at the stage that I could tell him I didn't like the gift and we took it back and got something I did want.

You are still getting to know each other and what is important to each other, you have communicated it to him now which is the most important thing!

MXW

PrettyKittyKat wrote: »

Sounds like he thought he was doing the right thing.... some e some people would absolutely love to be told to go and buy something they want/would like, this is why lots of people like being given money. I know some people like this who absolutely love having a day of shopping to spend their birthday/christmas money.

Why not help him? Give him a list of things you would like, or need, they can have an element of surprise still included, for example I would like some pjs in a size whatever - so the design is still a surprise . And list more things than you would expect him to buy (explaining this to him!) so he has to select which ones he would like to buy you. I do this every year for my husband/family mainly as my birthday and christmas fall close together, everyone always asks what I would like, but I like an element of surprise! My husband over the years has learnt what types of things i like and will always buy things from 'the list' but takes a gamble with a gift also. He has done well with this (A beautiful leather jacket I would never had dreamed of buying for myself) but also not done so well (An apple watch which I didn't want!) but we are now at the stage that I could tell him I didn't like the gift and we took it back and got something I did want.

You are still getting to know each other and what is important to each other, you have communicated it to him now which is the most important thing!

Thanks for your reply. Thinking about it, the body shop stuff is what I told him I liked, and he bought it me for Christmas.

I think the issue I had is not the monetary value of the gift...but the thought behind it, I just thought that he couldn't be bothered.

After reading the replies I feel much better (I know that probably sounds daft). As they say....it's the little things that matter.

PrettyKittyKat

Not daft at all . It is always good to get perspective.

I also don't put emphasis on the cost of a gift, but rather the sentiment so I totally get where you are coming from! Start giving him a list and explain these are ideas but he can buy outside of it too as you like surprise and you may find he starts to feel more confident in doing this. Also start dropping lots of hints on what you do and don't like (such as the body shop!) hahaha

gettingtheresometime

Hubby refuses to buy me any jewellery as a surprise on the off chance that I don't like it.

On one occasion I'd hinted that I'd like a certain piece & we went to buy it. Seeing it in the flesh so to speak made me realise it was actually hideous so very pleased he hadn't bought it as a surprise

WibblyGirly

Why not suggest a day out shopping together and you pick something? I!!!8217;ve done that before and I liked it as I was able to chose something I knew I!!!8217;d use and would enjoy.

unholyangel

Everyone is different. Some people would be offended by cash and see it as lacking thought but personally, theres nothing worse than receiving a gift that is not even remotely "you" and it just makes you feel like they don't know you at all and that they just bought something for the sake of buying you something.

Personally, I'd rather not have any gifts than be given things I'd never use - it feels like such a wasted expenditure. Same with those novelty gifts that seem like a good idea at the time, but are probably used once (if even) before being relegated to the back of a cupboard for the next few months until you have a clear out.

Back to the issue at hand though, I like the idea of giving him options to choose from. If you liked the bodyshop stuff, what about pointing him in the direction of lush? Perhaps pick out a few other items you'd love and then leave him to his own devices. Steering him in the right direction but still involves him picking something for you.

Pollycat

My tastes are eclectic.
I've been with my OH for going on 35 years and I know he would find it very difficult to buy me a gift.
So - we compromise.
I buy for me what I know I like for birthday & Christmas and he's happy that I'm happy.
He did buy me a surprise gift this last Christmas.
I was gobsmacked when he gave it to me (it was something that I'd seen and expressed an interest in months before Christmas) but it was such a shock that I cried.
And he cried too (what a wuss :cool:)
I texted all my friends and they were agog.

So I do understand that not everybody is a great gift buyer.
As Mojisola says, if it upsets you, talk to him about it.