Need Some Perspective

fishybusiness

Not the kind of issue I would normally post on, but I'm torn by this, and need some perspective

Background - my ex and I don't get along - we split in 2009, and have 2 children, now 11 and 12.

I spent alot of time keeping in contact with my children, I moved closer to them, took them school/ picked up for years, started when mum was poorly and continued.

I fell poorly 2010, mulitple myeloma, bone marrow cancer in short. Changed my life, chemo, stem cell transplant 2010/11, was nearly half way through a degree, so that had to wait. Treatment went ok until 2014, cue 2015 and two tranplants. Really poorly, doing ok now after much recovery.

Over that time I missed time with my children, just couldn't do it, it was adhoc and difficult. Cue mid 2016 and mum had had enough of my adhocness and started taking kids elsewhere.

To now, all sorts has happened, and I am not able to see the children as I won't bow down to mums stipulations, ongoing and I'm stuck really.

Dilema - both my children are on ASD spectrum, as is mum, she claims DLA for both of them, I've seen one award but not the other - she won't let me see it. The one I have seen is just plain rubbish, and it feels to me like fraud. It talks about my child needing constant attention for bodily functions? It is not true.

I feel like reporting her, but am and have been scared of losing my children. I also think it likely the other DLA award is not true as she won't let me see - but I can't prove that.

Mum also claims PIP - a long time ago I would have thought it correct, she has a mobility car, but now she is doing teacher training, at least 3 days a week, takes the kids away to Scotland on holiday, pretty sure 5 times last year, unaided - it just feels like she is much more mobile than she was.

So, what to do, I feel in a mood where I want to punish her - thats not good and I think it is clouding my judgement.

Any offers - it is perspective I need, it is all mixed up at the moment.

cattie

I can genuinely understand you feeling you'd like to punish your ex, but I think you need to consider that the loss of any benefits being claimed could impact on your children & mean that they have to go without certain things that they have been used to.

I do know a couple of people who have mobility cars that I feel they no longer qualify for & there must be plenty more folk who no longer qualify but fail to let DWP know that there has been an improvement in their mobility.

Do you have an access order via the courts to see your children? It's a great pity that you feel unable to comply with your ex's stipulations regarding seeing the children & you would have thought that with you becoming so ill that she would want the children to spend as much time as possible with their father. Is there really no way that you'd consider giving in for the sake of having a relationship with your kids?

My ex gave up seeing our son when he was just 4yrs old & I know it affected him greatly having a father who wasn't really bothered about him. If you stop seeing your kids would they understand the reasons why you felt you couldn't manage to see them?

fishybusiness

Court access was never necessary as I have parental responsibility, so no.

I thought about going down the route of 50% residency, but it seems a torturous route and once started I think it defines a war between the two parties - something I really wanted to avoid.

Totally agree that potentially removing financial assistance could affect my children - hence my hesitant and thoughtful approach.

My ex dropped two bombshells last September, one she wasn't going to be responsible for arranging the children coming over - it was now between me and then, It didn't work out, and she won't go back on it, so I'm stuck with trying to get hold of them. One almost never has her phone charged, or checks email, so I can't arrange with her, the other was going really well, not alot changed and sometimes he stayed for 4 days out of the week.

The other bombshell was that she was planning to move them to Scotland when they are 16, then she told my partner when they are 14, and refuses to discuss. Well, that really set me off.

Her stipulations revolve around me having the children when she/ they choose, and she put all her years holidays in the calendar before I even started, inc summer, so really as I work I had no chance of going even half way. More recently we agreed we would try another calendar, but without me knowing she ask the children to draw up when they want to come over. Their view bears no resemblance to reality of adult life - and I said I would try it, but it just wasn't workable so I said no.

So, same again, she directed children to do another one, and gave a date of return of calendar to her - with changes. I said no, I would like to work this out with the children. She has witheld contact on the basis that I won't deal with the calendar, and now one of my children thinks I am controlling access - she is ASD and can't get past my need to work with them on it.

Re just giving in, yes but the last two years or so ex has gradually taken more and more and I think if I let it go, it will get worse. I took my eye off the ball through illness and I feel I need to balance things up again and find a fair access agreement.

balletshoes

as you and your ex don't appear to be able to agree as far as access goes, I think you're going to have to seek legal advice and consider going down the formal access process. But also bear in mind, at 11 and 12, your children should have some say in where/when they want to see you. It will be all about compromise.

Sort that bit out and forget about what you think is going on with the DLA/PIP at the moment, as you say yourself its because you want to punish your ex that you're even considering whether the DLA/PIP has been correctly awarded.

fishybusiness

Tend to agree.

One of the issues with the children and DLA is that the untruth's relfect on the children, who they are and how for ex school respond to them.

I don't want them growing up believing things about themselves that are not true. My son has already told me that mum told lies about him being anxious and being able to have a day off - I asked how and he said she wrote a note for school saying he was really anxious, and he said he wasn't really, so it just gets deeper and deeper in to what is real and what is not.

But yes, I expect we may end up down some kind of legal route before I can see the children again.

BorisThomson

Focus on getting fair access to your children. Any games you want to play to get at her will only impact negatively on that.

You also need to acknowledge your past failings. You had a difficult time but that was not good reason to lose regular contact with your children. None of us are perfect, but admitting you messed up will hopefully allow the past to be put behind you and you all to move forward.

BorisThomson

Looking back, you claim carers allowance for your partner whilst she works. Why do you think your ex should not qualify, yet your current partner should? How would your partner feel if someone without full knowledge of her condition reported her for fraud?

And is your partner still claiming carers allowance for you?

Surely you can see all the double standards here!

Detroit

Your issues with your children's mother and contact arrangements are seperate from the issue about potential benefit fraud.

If you genuinely believe she is lying about the children's health conditions to gain benefits, rather than just seeing reporting her as a means to get back at her, then you should take action.

The reason I say this is the one you touched upon yourself. If your children have any type of condition, to ensure they get the most appropriate treatment, it is essential that a true account of their difficulties is provided to their health care practitioners.

Disability benefit claims often require medical support, and it is possible your children's mother is exaggerating their symptoms to their health care providers in order to gain a more supportive report.

This could prove detrimental to any treatment they receive, for example, medication could be prescribed at a stronger level than is necessary.

In your position if your own health permits, I would consider getting more involved in the children's health care, for example asking to be kept informed of hospital visits, assessments and so on so I could assess for myself what was going on.

Providing false information about a child's health for whatever reason, could be tantamount to abuse, and is a serious issue.

fishybusiness

Boris - yes my ex and I had a long talk last summer, and I said it had been tough, and it around about that point I realised, like a wow, I can see that, that I had lost 5 years of normal life, and everyone around me suffered - quite a thing to realise. I felt like saying sorry to everyone, and then I felt I had been a burden, so had to sort that out. It's done now.

Yes, I did claim carers, it is finished now, as I have upped my wages so not elegible.

The thing about my ex is that when she was really poorly, myself and my partner looked after her, I had a few long talks with Child Services about my children as my ex couldn't look after them. I really don't have a problem with anyone claiming when poorly, but she is not the same person now, and as she lives very locally to us, it is obvious to see - that's her and the PIP/ mobility car. To be honest, it doesn't bother me much really, I feel so angry that after all the time and effort I put in she can stop me seeing them as she pleases.

Oh, yeah I did claim PIP, forgotten about that - from August ish in hospital 2015 through July 2016 when I asked for a reassessment and was well enough for it to be stopped, so my partners claim for carers stopped also.

I don't think there are double standards, I knew I was getting better and called the pip people, I felt if I claimed any longer I would be committing fraud - so I did what was right.

The reason I say this is the one you touched upon yourself. If your children have any type of condition, to ensure they get the most appropriate treatment, it is essential that a true account of their difficulties is provided to their health care practitioners.

Disability benefit claims often require medical support, and it is possible your children's mother is exaggerating their symptoms to their health care providers in order to gain a more supportive report.

This could prove detrimental to any treatment they receive, for example, medication could be prescribed at a stronger level than is necessary.

In your position if your own health permits, I would consider getting more involved in the children's health care, for example asking to be kept informed of hospital visits, assessments and so on so I could assess for myself what was going on.

Providing false information about a child's health for whatever reason, could be tantamount to abuse, and is a serious issue.

Absolutely spot on, and that is where I am at, outside of my feelings towards my ex.

There was a time when my son was maybe 3, and he had a rash, doctor said it may be latex intolerance. That has stuck, mum says to everyone he has latex intolerance, there is no medical evidence. It is all over the place, she says that, he is not allowed to blow up balloons, or have latex plasters, yet he can chew pencil rubbers like there is no tomorrow without ill effect. I have used latex plaster on his arms with no ill effects also.

I have recently requested a full set of mecical records for both of them, as I feel it has all gone way too far - no one questions mum, and she always overules me. I'm waiting on the doctor now.

Yes, I am trying really hard to separate the issues, I think I need to vent and settle down, then start to think straight again.

Ames

I've seen how awful it is when a mother pretends her child is ill, either for benefits or because of Munchausen's by Proxy. It's a terrible thing and needs intervention if it's happening. Although reporting to the DWP doesn't seem to be the right way forward - I think speaking to the children's GP would be the first step.

On the other hand I know what it's like to have a father not believe me about very real illness. It's left me seriously messed up, with long term mental health problems.

Tread very, very carefully. And make sure your children don't know your 'suspicions' until or unless you know for sure they aren't ill.

You haven't been in their life much lately, it's entirely possible you don't know the extent of their conditions.

fishybusiness

Tread very, very carefully. And make sure your children don't know your 'suspicions' until or unless you know for sure they aren't ill.

You haven't been in their life much lately, it's entirely possible you don't know the extent of their conditions.

Thank you, it is a good point, perhaps I hadn't thought about it that way too much - food for thought.