Abusive wife - requesting crisis advice in London

borkid

Just to pick up a couple of points mentioned. I as a child, grew up in an abusive household but the husband was the abuser. Very nice outside of the home but inside was a different story, physical, emotional and financial.

I wished my mum had left but back then there was very little help. It's taken me years to come to terms with it all, wasn't really until he died I felt free. Early in my marriage I still felt a chill down my spine when certain things happened ( like a bill arriving which was always a trigger for the abuse with my dad) even though my OH is the kindest man alive and has never raised his voice at me let alone any violence in 44 years.

So for the children's sake if not your friend's own he needs to think very seriously as the scars can last a long time and the ability to trust others can be affected from my experience. Are the children boys or girls? Does your friend want them to have their mother as their role model of how a woman behaves to the person she supposedly loves?

Out,_Vile_Jelly

The friend has to choose between staying and hoping the situation improves (bearing in mind the potential effect of such a toxic environment on young children), or leaving and the difficult consequences that follow. There aren't any easy options.

As a father, he is sadly statistically unlikely to receive custody of the children. It's also still hard for many people to understand that men can be on the receiving end of domestic violence. As a good mate you'll need to be there with him through tough times.

A good starting point would be: https://www.fathers-4-justice.org/our-campaign/help-advice-support-faqs/

It might also be an idea for him to keep a diary of violent incidents; a calm, factual and neutral list of incidents and dates.

Rubik

I would urge caution about sending anyone to F4J - chances are involvement with them will cause more harm than good to his situation. PLease encourage your friend to contact Mankind Initiative.

buildersdaughter

Just to say that fathers4justice are more of a campaigning organisation, and I would not go to them with a personal dilemma.
Don't let your friend be put off by the fact that most domestic abuse is by males. All organisations in this field are well aware of abuse by women and can help. What he needs to be super aware of is the effect on the children. Sadly domestic abuse between adults in a family is also abuse of children - as his solicitor will tell him.
If he needs to get advice about the children, I would suggest 2 things:
All children's social services departments have helplines that accept anonymous calls. He can ring and talk over the situation with a social worker without disclosing any identifying information. This may be helpful in clarifying his position.
Most school (or children's centres if he is near one) have family workers who are trained in supporting families, including abusive situations. This may be something he can access.
Also:
to follow the advice above about documenting incidents
prepare copies of all documents, passports, birth certificates etc. and keep in a safe place (some people keep them at work)
if at all possible, also prepare a grab-bag of basic clothes & toiletries for himself and the children
ensure that there is a bank account, with some money in it that the abusive partner cannot access - if not, keep some cash with the documents.

Comms69

buildersdaughter wrote: »

Just to say that fathers4justice are more of a campaigning organisation, and I would not go to them with a personal dilemma.
Don't let your friend be put off by the fact that most domestic abuse is by males. All organisations in this field are well aware of abuse by women and can help. What he needs to be super aware of is the effect on the children. Sadly domestic abuse between adults in a family is also abuse of children - as his solicitor will tell him.
If he needs to get advice about the children, I would suggest 2 things:
All children's social services departments have helplines that accept anonymous calls. He can ring and talk over the situation with a social worker without disclosing any identifying information. This may be helpful in clarifying his position.
Most school (or children's centres if he is near one) have family workers who are trained in supporting families, including abusive situations. This may be something he can access.
Also:
to follow the advice above about documenting incidents
prepare copies of all documents, passports, birth certificates etc. and keep in a safe place (some people keep them at work)
if at all possible, also prepare a grab-bag of basic clothes & toiletries for himself and the children
ensure that there is a bank account, with some money in it that the abusive partner cannot access - if not, keep some cash with the documents.

Just to be clear the claim that men are majority of abusers is widely disparaged. An often agrees figure is around 60:40, but many organisations do claim 50:50 simply due to lack of reporting and false reports.

DuvetCover

Thank you to everyone who contributed. Your answers are very much appreciated.

I will PM the person for the recommendation for a lawyer....as soon as I figure out how to do it....

Regards

DC

Sambella

Some refuges for Male victims of DV actually have places to stay for men AND their children if needed.

Mankind appear to be very good.