OH is struggling

Primrose

I wonder if part of the problem is that your husband may be secretly projecting this diagnosis on himself and worrying that somehow he might one day find himself in a similar position and not be able to cope with it.


A dying friend once said to me "Everybody is happy to cheer you on while you're living. Nobody wants to cheer you on when you're dying".

I think there's a strong truth in this, but it is the terminally ill, as well as the other cancer sufferers who need moral support. It's rather cowardly to think only of our own emotions at times like this. Some people don't know how to deal with those suffering severe or terminal illnesses, but we have to stop being selfish worrying about our own reactions and support those who need cheerful positive people around them as they deal with their battles.

kerri_gt

Sounds like some of the air was cleared last night, which is a good step forward. I was going to post this but wasn't sure about my wording, however here it is;

I suspect your OH may be trying to be strong and inadvertently cutting you out. As you say, he's always been the rock and now is struggling with coping (or not) with this news and still trying to perform what he likely sees as his role as the strong one.

Although the illness itself is indeed all about George, the diagnosis isn't and rightly or wrongly will affect all the people who know him differently.

All you can do at the moment is let your OH know it's ok not to be ok and be there when he needs you to be like he has for you. x

I hope you can all enjoy the good times you have left with George, and support each other through the hard times too.

Smodlet

George sounds like a wonderful person. Your OH is probably feeling he cannot bear the pain of losing such a great friend and has started the mourning process already, almost as a survival tactic. "The sooner you start to grieve, the sooner it will be over" kind of scenario, as if distancing oneself from the loved one you know you are going to lose will somehow diminish one's agony when it happens. The trouble with that is, the guilt he will feel for not being there for his friend when he was really needed will be crippling. He will beat himself up over every dodged phone call, every pathetic excuse he made.

Fortunately, your OH has time to rectify the situation; you are going away together for the week end. I hope you all had a great time and please don't beat yourself up for not being the rock for your OH he has been for you. I bet you give him far more support than you give yourself credit for.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Sometimes, even the best, nicest and kindest people need a kick up the bum.

If it happens again, maybe a 'I love you, you have been wonderful all these times and I'll always be grateful for it - but I am not going to let you let George down because you will never forgive yourself. I am here for you and I always will be, just like you were when x, y & z happened. Now, get on that phone and see what he's up to today' would help?

JayJay100

Thank you for all of your advice; as usual other points of view have helped to clarify my own thoughts, and have helped more than you know.

A quick update. There was a problem with George's initial surgery, because of the placement of the tumour, which ended up with three trips to surgery in a thirty-six hour period, and a stay in intensive care. He turned a corner this afternoon, and things are looking a bit brighter; they're talking about transferring him to high dependency unit within the next couple of days, if he carries on as he is, and, in their view, there's no reason why he wouldn't. The OH has a mask firmly in place. While we're at the hospital, or with George's wife, he has been nothing short of amazing. At home is a different story; he's very quiet and withdrawn, but I think we're all emotionally shattered, so perhaps that's to be expected.

teddysmum

'treatable but not curable' does not necessarily mean terminal.


It must be some 20 years ago that someone we know was diagnosed with a form of throat cancer and he was told they could treat but not cure him. This involved an initial operation, then follow ups to remove any extra growth, which could safelybe removed.


I haven't seen him for a long time, but my husband spoke to him,on the phone, around Christmas time.


He has been on DLA for a number of years, not because of the cancer,but other health problems he has.

Detroit

JayJay100 wrote: »

Thank you for all of your advice; as usual other points of view have helped to clarify my own thoughts, and have helped more than you know.

A quick update. There was a problem with George's initial surgery, because of the placement of the tumour, which ended up with three trips to surgery in a thirty-six hour period, and a stay in intensive care. He turned a corner this afternoon, and things are looking a bit brighter; they're talking about transferring him to high dependency unit within the next couple of days, if he carries on as he is, and, in their view, there's no reason why he wouldn't. The OH has a mask firmly in place. While we're at the hospital, or with George's wife, he has been nothing short of amazing. At home is a different story; he's very quiet and withdrawn, but I think we're all emotionally shattered, so perhaps that's to be expected.

The effort of keeping the mask in place is exhausting. He probably has very little left afterwards and needs to recharge in his own way.

You sound very supportive and strong and that will be a huge help to him.

You seem like lovely people, carry on taking care of each other. Hoping for better times for all of you.