OH is struggling

Pollycat

I think your OH needs to sit down and think about how he would feel if he were George and his best friend of 50 years was suddenly unavailable when he called or rang.

Regardless of how difficult he is finding the situation, it must be many, many times worse for George.

Have you spoken to George's wife?

Pdbaggett

Tell him he's being a selfish nob and to get over him self and be there for his friend.

Sorry harsh but true

JayJay100

Things came to a bit of a head last night. George's wife asked if I'd go for a drink with her, and as I walked out of the house, to get in the car, George walked in. We never made it into the pub. George's wife broke down in the car-park, and as much as I'd like to say I was the strong and comforting friend, I ended up bawling my eyes out, too. Not quite sure how you can end up laughing and crying at the same time, but we managed it.

As for the OH, well, we had a gloves off conversation when I got home. It appears to be an accumulation of things, with George being the last straw, and a bit of 'when the hell is this rubbish going to end' creeping in. The last two to three years have been tough for a variety of reasons, and it's my OH who has got me through it all, relatively unscathed. I think I've been so wrapped up in what has been going on for me, and the people around me, that I've forgotten about the toll it's taking on him, too. Stepping back and looking at it now, I can see it, but living it at the time, it didn't even cross my mind. I feel so awful about that.

Anyway, the good thing is that we're all going away this weekend, and we'll all be supporting each other. The one who appears to be in the best shape at the moment is actually George, but the OH was brighter this morning, and more like his old self. He's dug out some paperbacks that he thinks George will like, so I'm taking that as a good sign.

JayJay100

Pdbaggett wrote: »

Tell him he's being a selfish nob and to get over him self and be there for his friend.

Sorry harsh but true

Have you ever been in the situation?

If anyone's been a selfish nob, it's me. I've taken a lot of support from him, and not given a lot back.

gettingtheresometime

JayJay100 wrote: »

Things came to a bit of a head last night. George's wife asked if I'd go for a drink with her, and as I walked out of the house, to get in the car, George walked in. We never made it into the pub. George's wife broke down in the car-park, and as much as I'd like to say I was the strong and comforting friend, I ended up bawling my eyes out, too. Not quite sure how you can end up laughing and crying at the same time, but we managed it.

As for the OH, well, we had a gloves off conversation when I got home. It appears to be an accumulation of things, with George being the last straw, and a bit of 'when the hell is this rubbish going to end' creeping in. The last two to three years have been tough for a variety of reasons, and it's my OH who has got me through it all, relatively unscathed. I think I've been so wrapped up in what has been going on for me, and the people around me, that I've forgotten about the toll it's taking on him, too. Stepping back and looking at it now, I can see it, but living it at the time, it didn't even cross my mind. I feel so awful about that.

Anyway, the good thing is that we're all going away this weekend, and we'll all be supporting each other. The one who appears to be in the best shape at the moment is actually George, but the OH was brighter this morning, and more like his old self. He's dug out some paperbacks that he thinks George will like, so I'm taking that as a good sign.

I'm so glad that this has been sorted out, to a certain extent.


I did think that whilst the people who were saying that it wasn't about your husband were a tad harsh....as you say you've both had a couple of years of tough times and as its been your hubby that has been the rock, it didn't sound as if he was the 'woe is me' type. Sounds as if this was the straw that broke the camel's back.


Don't forget you and your hubby are going to have to look after your health and wellbeing whilst you're helping George and his wife.

Pollycat

JayJay100 wrote: »

Things came to a bit of a head last night. George's wife asked if I'd go for a drink with her, and as I walked out of the house, to get in the car, George walked in. We never made it into the pub. George's wife broke down in the car-park, and as much as I'd like to say I was the strong and comforting friend, I ended up bawling my eyes out, too. Not quite sure how you can end up laughing and crying at the same time, but we managed it.

As for the OH, well, we had a gloves off conversation when I got home. It appears to be an accumulation of things, with George being the last straw, and a bit of 'when the hell is this rubbish going to end' creeping in. The last two to three years have been tough for a variety of reasons, and it's my OH who has got me through it all, relatively unscathed. I think I've been so wrapped up in what has been going on for me, and the people around me, that I've forgotten about the toll it's taking on him, too. Stepping back and looking at it now, I can see it, but living it at the time, it didn't even cross my mind. I feel so awful about that.

Anyway, the good thing is that we're all going away this weekend, and we'll all be supporting each other. The one who appears to be in the best shape at the moment is actually George, but the OH was brighter this morning, and more like his old self. He's dug out some paperbacks that he thinks George will like, so I'm taking that as a good sign.

:T
Great news.

Pollycat

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

I'm so glad that this has been sorted out, to a certain extent.


I did think that whilst the people who were saying that it wasn't about your husband were a tad harsh....as you say you've both had a couple of years of tough times and as its been your hubby that has been the rock, it didn't sound as if he was the 'woe is me' type. Sounds as if this was the straw that broke the camel's back.


Don't forget you and your hubby are going to have to look after your health and wellbeing whilst you're helping George and his wife.

But it really wasn't about the OP's husband.
It's his friend who has cancer and it's he who needs support - or at least needs to know his friend of 50 years isn't avoiding him.
It's (I'd guess) not George's fault the OP and her OH have had a rough couple of years.

need_an_answer

Read this thread with tears in my eyes.

Such inspiration and such very wise words,if ever there was a "best thread award" on MSE this would certainly get my vote.

Thank you to all those who spoke honestly and all the best going forward to George and his friends and family x

PeacefulWaters

I can't speak for George, but for me a terminal diagnosis has been a liberating experience.

The ongoing hospital appointments are a PITA but knowing the end is nigh has certainly changed me, improved me as a person and encouraged me to use every opportunity to enjoy life where possible.

The BBC documentary "A Time to Live" may still be hovering around online and is well worth an hour for anybody seeking to understand how such a diagnosis can positively affect people.

Out,_Vile_Jelly

It's not actually uncommon for people who are rocks to others in a crisis to be floored by their own crisis. People deal with horrific news in different ways, and not everyone is keen on opening up and talking about it. I've also heard it said that you're in mourning from the point of a terminal diagnosis.

Hope you have some good memories from the weekend away.