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Advice required - divorce, separation, kids
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ganderson1804
Posts: 146 Forumite
Background on my SIL situation - not mine
Married 8 years - 3 kids (10, 8, 2)
In June last year he left. He states he is depressed.
He gets new girlfriend - admits its been going on before marriage ended.
He is continuing to contribute to bills as normal and as agreed.
Multiple arguements about the house - she wants to sell - he doesn't. She stays in the house with the kids and he is between his GFs and his mums.
They have a loose childcare arrangement in place =- set days but no real agreement on times.
He generally pays the house 'bills' she pays the childcare, food shopping, kids classes/activites plus gas and electric and home insurance.
He works full time, she workds school hours 3 days and full days the other 2.
By end of the year neither had sought any advice - no legal separation, CAB, solicitors etc.
January comes and she meets someone new
He finds out and flips. Claims he's filing for divorce under grounds of adultery against her, he wants no contact with her, everything regarding the kids is to go through his mother.
He calls her at work and screams abuse down the phone at her. Feels like hes been completely disrespected, A day later he took his new gf to south africa on holiday while my SIL struggles to find money for the food shop in a house with a broken fridge freezer, burst radiator, problem with the electrics, no oven, plumbing issues and half arsed DIY jobs incomplete.
While hes away she meets with a solictor and starts the ball rolling.
On his return he also meets with a solictor.
SIL comes for takeaway one night he has the kids. He calls and gives 10mins notice for dropping them home which is unusually early. She says shes not home and they'll need to rearrange. 2mins later child on the phone in tears saying Dad is going crazy, they want to come home. So she goes to collect them. When there he goes for her and has to be held back by his parents. 2 kids screaming and 1 locked themselves in the toilet - they come back to ours.
Kids ski trip balance needs paid - they agreed on booking theyd go halves, she paid hers as the deposit. He refuses to pay the balance.
He refuses to pay the grounds maintenance fee for their estate.
He sorns the car (which she is using) and doesn't tell her.
He has a very jekyl and hyde personality.
He tells her last week that the house is being valued by 2 estate agents so it better be ready for market. On sunday we give her a hand to tidy the house as best we can.
Monday he cancelled the estate agents and has 'lost it' again. He turned up at her work and demanded the keys for the car and has taken it leaving her with no way to get around. She is scared of him and what his next move will be.
He has told her he has a forensic accountant who is going to ask for 68k back towards things that he has paid for over the years that she didn't contribute too. Multiple cars, a new kitchen, holidays etc and has told her if she pays 20k he'll forget the rest.
He has now said he is refusing to pay any bills on the house. He doesn't care if the bank takes it back, he'd rather see her homeless.
Well done if you've got this far. What can she do??
She has kept her solictor up to date with everything but she is trying to communicate with his solictor and not getting anywhere quickly. I'm worried for them. Ive asked her to go to the council and get emergency housing to get away from his controlling ways but she says the council won't look at her is she walks away from the house.
Any help?
Married 8 years - 3 kids (10, 8, 2)
In June last year he left. He states he is depressed.
He gets new girlfriend - admits its been going on before marriage ended.
He is continuing to contribute to bills as normal and as agreed.
Multiple arguements about the house - she wants to sell - he doesn't. She stays in the house with the kids and he is between his GFs and his mums.
They have a loose childcare arrangement in place =- set days but no real agreement on times.
He generally pays the house 'bills' she pays the childcare, food shopping, kids classes/activites plus gas and electric and home insurance.
He works full time, she workds school hours 3 days and full days the other 2.
By end of the year neither had sought any advice - no legal separation, CAB, solicitors etc.
January comes and she meets someone new
He finds out and flips. Claims he's filing for divorce under grounds of adultery against her, he wants no contact with her, everything regarding the kids is to go through his mother.
He calls her at work and screams abuse down the phone at her. Feels like hes been completely disrespected, A day later he took his new gf to south africa on holiday while my SIL struggles to find money for the food shop in a house with a broken fridge freezer, burst radiator, problem with the electrics, no oven, plumbing issues and half arsed DIY jobs incomplete.
While hes away she meets with a solictor and starts the ball rolling.
On his return he also meets with a solictor.
SIL comes for takeaway one night he has the kids. He calls and gives 10mins notice for dropping them home which is unusually early. She says shes not home and they'll need to rearrange. 2mins later child on the phone in tears saying Dad is going crazy, they want to come home. So she goes to collect them. When there he goes for her and has to be held back by his parents. 2 kids screaming and 1 locked themselves in the toilet - they come back to ours.
Kids ski trip balance needs paid - they agreed on booking theyd go halves, she paid hers as the deposit. He refuses to pay the balance.
He refuses to pay the grounds maintenance fee for their estate.
He sorns the car (which she is using) and doesn't tell her.
He has a very jekyl and hyde personality.
He tells her last week that the house is being valued by 2 estate agents so it better be ready for market. On sunday we give her a hand to tidy the house as best we can.
Monday he cancelled the estate agents and has 'lost it' again. He turned up at her work and demanded the keys for the car and has taken it leaving her with no way to get around. She is scared of him and what his next move will be.
He has told her he has a forensic accountant who is going to ask for 68k back towards things that he has paid for over the years that she didn't contribute too. Multiple cars, a new kitchen, holidays etc and has told her if she pays 20k he'll forget the rest.
He has now said he is refusing to pay any bills on the house. He doesn't care if the bank takes it back, he'd rather see her homeless.
Well done if you've got this far. What can she do??
She has kept her solictor up to date with everything but she is trying to communicate with his solictor and not getting anywhere quickly. I'm worried for them. Ive asked her to go to the council and get emergency housing to get away from his controlling ways but she says the council won't look at her is she walks away from the house.
Any help?
0
Comments
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Change the locks, block the calls, report any harassing behaviour to the police.ganderson1804 wrote: »Background on my SIL situation - not mine
Married 8 years - 3 kids (10, 8, 2)
In June last year he left. He states he is depressed.
He gets new girlfriend - admits its been going on before marriage ended.
He is continuing to contribute to bills as normal and as agreed.
Multiple arguements about the house - she wants to sell - he doesn't. She stays in the house with the kids and he is between his GFs and his mums.
They have a loose childcare arrangement in place =- set days but no real agreement on times. - Is he paying maintenance?
He generally pays the house 'bills' she pays the childcare, food shopping, kids classes/activites plus gas and electric and home insurance.
He works full time, she workds school hours 3 days and full days the other 2. - is she claiming everything she's entitled to?
By end of the year neither had sought any advice - no legal separation, CAB, solicitors etc.
January comes and she meets someone new
He finds out and flips. Claims he's filing for divorce under grounds of adultery against her, he wants no contact with her, everything regarding the kids is to go through his mother. - that's his right.
He calls her at work and screams abuse down the phone at her. - she should block him Feels like hes been completely disrespected, A day later he took his new gf to south africa on holiday while my SIL struggles to find money for the food shop in a house with a broken fridge freezer, burst radiator, problem with the electrics, no oven, plumbing issues and half arsed DIY jobs incomplete. - tbh that's her problem, sorry, but that's part of running a household.
While hes away she meets with a solictor and starts the ball rolling.
On his return he also meets with a solictor.
SIL comes for takeaway one night he has the kids. He calls and gives 10mins notice for dropping them home which is unusually early. She says shes not home and they'll need to rearrange. 2mins later child on the phone in tears saying Dad is going crazy, they want to come home. So she goes to collect them. When there he goes for her and has to be held back by his parents. 2 kids screaming and 1 locked themselves in the toilet - they come back to ours. - police?
Kids ski trip balance needs paid - they agreed on booking theyd go halves, she paid hers as the deposit. He refuses to pay the balance.
He refuses to pay the grounds maintenance fee for their estate.
He sorns the car (which she is using) and doesn't tell her. - tbh she should've sorted this herself
He has a very jekyl and hyde personality.
He tells her last week that the house is being valued by 2 estate agents so it better be ready for market. On sunday we give her a hand to tidy the house as best we can.
Monday he cancelled the estate agents and has 'lost it' again. He turned up at her work and demanded the keys for the car and has taken it leaving her with no way to get around. She is scared of him and what his next move will be. - again it's kind of 50/50, is it his car?
He has told her he has a forensic accountant who is going to ask for 68k back towards things that he has paid for over the years that she didn't contribute too. Multiple cars, a new kitchen, holidays etc and has told her if she pays 20k he'll forget the rest. - that is unlikely to be true in any case
He has now said he is refusing to pay any bills on the house. He doesn't care if the bank takes it back, he'd rather see her homeless. - that is unfortunately possible
Well done if you've got this far. What can she do?? - make sure she's claiming the entitled benefits
She has kept her solictor up to date with everything but she is trying to communicate with his solictor and not getting anywhere quickly. - this will not be quick I'm worried for them. Ive asked her to go to the council and get emergency housing to get away from his controlling ways but she says the council won't look at her is she walks away from the house. - that is true
Any help?0 -
Hes not paying any 'maintenance' as such no - he just pays the 'bills' and she covers the kids needs.
I've asked her to check if shes entitled to anything more.
I know its his right - its just laughable when he was the one who broke up the marriage by having an affair. At this point he is livng with his GF - its incredible.
I don't think all the issues in the house are solely her problem - surely its joint? She hasn't got the money to sort it. and is living in her overdraft as it is.
What should she have sorted herself with the car? It is in his name - it was the only car in the household but he works for a garage and left her the car. Whilst she's driving his children around he sorned the car without telling her - not sure what you mean by saying she should have sorted it herself?
The car is in his name thats why she gave him the keys.
My point regarding the 68k bill - surely he can't hold her liable for marital costs?!0 -
Probably not - but is that his share of the equity etc?ganderson1804 wrote: »Hes not paying any 'maintenance' as such no - he just pays the 'bills' and she covers the kids needs. - Ok is what he pays more than or equal to the maintenance. the way it's spent is not really relevant
I've asked her to check if shes entitled to anything more.
I know its his right - its just laughable when he was the one who broke up the marriage by having an affair. At this point he is livng with his GF - its incredible. - Indeed, but still, it's worth respecting, main reason is - as below - harassment is a criminal offence.
I don't think all the issues in the house are solely her problem - surely its joint? - No, she's a parent with 3 kids, she needs to sort it out. The counter argument would be - she's unable to care for them and they should live with him. She hasn't got the money to sort it. and is living in her overdraft as it is. - yes I appreciate that, but the basics must come first.
What should she have sorted herself with the car? It is in his name - it was the only car in the household but he works for a garage and left her the car. - fair enough, but if she was the primary user she should've registered it in her name. it wouldn't affect ownership Whilst she's driving his children around he sorned the car without telling her - not sure what you mean by saying she should have sorted it herself?
The car is in his name thats why she gave him the keys.
My point regarding the 68k bill - surely he can't hold her liable for marital costs?!
can I just check, you posted an SOA, is that yours or your sisters?
Harassment is any unwanted contact. Just like she should report him for turning up at her work etc - if he does it again. He could do likewise if she contacts him.0 -
I think she needs to go back to the solicitors firstly
she also needs to go through CMA to claim what she's entitled to and then tax credits, as she works she will be entitled.
Why doesn't see start divorce proceedings stating his adultery?0 -
CMS and she cant claim if he's paying voluntarily.I think she needs to go back to the solicitors firstly
she also needs to go through CMA to claim what she's entitled to and then tax credits, as she works she will be entitled.
Why doesn't see start divorce proceedings stating his adultery?0 -
The SOA is mine and completely irrelevant to this subject.0
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Ok, I was just checking as in the post in mentioned 3 kids, including a 2 year old. So it seemed quite coincidental.ganderson1804 wrote: »The SOA is mine and completely irrelevant to this subject.0 -
I think I will just delete this post as i'm not out looking for anyone to counteract everything I am going to say even if it is the case. I don't give 2 craps about the story from his side and am only looking to try and help protect my sister in law and get away from this lunatic. I wasn't posting all the details for someone to go through it wit h a fine tooth comb but looking for genuine advice about what she can do today, now. I have no idea about womans aid / refuge for help / advice, CAB, police, the solicitors role.
She would be a more irresponsible mother to leave her children with him but that is irrelevant. I want to encourage her to not give in to all of his demands as he is controlling her life and her every move. He thinks he's bigger and smarter than her and has every intention of leaving her homeless and penniless and she's scared of his threats.0 -
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Nor should she, but take it in steps:ganderson1804 wrote: »I think I will just delete this post as i'm not out looking for anyone to counteract everything I am going to say even if it is the case. - Sorry would you like people to give the correct information or just agree with you? I don't give 2 craps about the story from his side - maybe, but you presumably don't want to see your SIL arrested?! and am only looking to try and help protect my sister in law and get away from this lunatic. - so tell her to change the locks, block his number and report things to the police. I wasn't posting all the details for someone to go through it wit h a fine tooth comb but looking for genuine advice about what she can do today, now. - change the locks. I have no idea about womans aid - offer advice, but limited in current circumstances. / refuge for help - why would you suggest that to a woman with 3 kids? / advice, CAB, police - they may issue him with a police information notice, which should prevent further unwanted contact , the solicitors role - make sure she gets what she's entitled to .
She would be a more irresponsible mother to leave her children with him but that is irrelevant. - that's your opinion, but from a 3rd party perspective she doesn't even have a working fridge. If he reports it to social services, do you think they would be happy? It's not a threat, it's a suggestion to get it sorted asap. I want to encourage her to not give in to all of his demands as he is controlling her life and her every move. He thinks he's bigger and smarter than her and has every intention of leaving her homeless and penniless and she's scared of his threats.
1: change the locks
2: keep a diary of events
3: check benefit claims
4: sort out the basics
What you have to remember is that whilst you and her don't give two craps about him, the law doesn't work that way. Surely the whole point of posting on a forum is to get unbiased viewpoints.0
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