Help - my family isn't working!!!

bellett

Hi everybody

I'm posting under a new username because I know certain members of my extended family read this forum and I don't want them to know just how bad things are in our house. They aren't a supportive family and would just use stuff they read on here as a stick to beat me with.

We don't have much money and I try very hard to make every penny count without making my husband and kids feel deprived if possible. Trouble is I think I may have done TOO good a job because they think I can sort anything out - ie I'll always find cash from "somewhere" if it's wanted....or I can sort out any problem their lives present them with.

Normally I don't mind this, it makes me feel useful and wanted, but we are on an emotional roller coaster at the moment and I just keep getting this overwhelming feeling of wanting to run away and hide. I just can't cope with everything and yet I feel everything is my responsibility and I feel guilty and useless if I can't do/sort/explain/fix/mend/buy whatever needs sorting....(hope that makes sense?)

The emotional roller coaster is because we have a teenager who is very hard working. Got excellent GCSE results (10 A* plus 2A plus 2B grades) and is now working for AS levels but WON'T do anything else. Won't help in the house, won't see friends (not that there are many friends to see as studying over the past couple of years has taken precedence) She thinks her school work is top priority at all times and that she should be excused from even normal good manners. The atmosphere at home is always very tense as she expects her needs to be totally met. her moods to be put up with and her tantrums to be accepted and lived with. I know all teenagers are moody and difficult but she is so obsessive about studying - can't see the point in having mates, sees relationships as disgusting and useless, swears she will NEVER marry and have kids (yuck yuck yuck - idea of sex makes her want to vomit - her words).

But we also have an 11 year old and I feel so sorry for him. he is a happy go lucky lad but is getting more and more morose due to the atmosphere and the continual rows between the older one and her dad about her narrow lifestyle and attitudes to others around her.

My DH and I also keep arguing because we seem to be on the cusp of a life change - kids growing up, need to do things together but don't have time/energy/money and anyway we have little in common outside the house and kids. He loves our house - I'm sick to death with the small size of it but know we can't afford to move or extend so feel trapped there as well.

Sorry if this just seems one long moan but I feel so out of control of my life - I even hate my job but as we live in a rural area stick it as I can walk to it and the hours fit in - anyway I couldn't afford a car to get to a job further away and there is very little public transport.

I feel so sad and such a failure. I've worked so hard to raise a happy family, to keep them happy, well fed (I cook everything from scratch and make all our curtains etc etc etc etc etc ...............!!!!) But now I wonder why I ever bothered because my marriage is unhappy and sliding away from me and my children are unhappy.

Sorry again to moan. Don't have anyone else to talk to and just needed to get it out of my system after yet another angry breakfast table scene.

Thanks for reading.

MRSMCAWBER

Hi there bellett

Far from being a faliure... you are a raging success :T ... you have made such a good job of making money stretch and doing what sounds like EVERYTHING yourself.... that your family now see it as "simple"... mum can sort this, afterall -she sorts everything else

Your daughter is a successs story as you have instilled in her the desire to work hard... perhaps she has seen how hard you work to keep body n soul together.. and so she is working hard and aiming for a job/career where she can perhaps have an "easier" lifestyle... you should be proud of yourself.

Could you and DS perhaps go out occasionally - even if its just to the park... the fresh air will do you both good and you can burn off some stress and have a laugh together.. if DD wants to sit at home.. i would invite her when you are going anywhere...but if she says no..leave her to it... at least you no where she is and that she is safe. Im sure it won't be long before she gets her head turned and starts venturing out and about -then you will be longing for the days when she was tucked up studying..

With hubby, perhaps you could sit down and explain to him..that whilst you are trying to do as much as possible- you NEED some help.. he perhaps thinks that you see it all as your territory and thinks he couldn't do as well -so leaves it all to you.

Sorry i can't be of more help.. but lots of hugs to you... and pat yourself on the back for being "to good" at what you are doing

wolfehouse

sounds perfectly normal to me...i'm pretty sure all mothers with children of a certain age go through having to change the way they do things. I gave up being the 'family organiser' very -consciously. the rest of my gang want their freedom but also want the good bits i used to do - but i think i had to step down from being controlling.

heres what helped:
i took the high schools parenting course and 'learned' to be a better active listener (but not a good one and sometimes i fear i did it too late)

i let the teens have more autonomy and tried to get them to stay in touch

i encouraged them to think of their cv in a wider way by discussing what universities and employers expect. then signed them up for duke of edinburgh awards.

i learned to say no

i still feel like you do (why when i tried so hard and their younger years went well do i feel like a failure in their teens?)- imho you should concentrate on your relationship with your partner...find new things you enjoy doing together or rediscover old ones. rediscover the things you used to like and do things for yourself- it's a good model for the kids. and just listen to your son and give him praise. i think same sex kids need to fight with you just so they can prove they are their own person.
it is hard at this stage isn't it?

paddy's_mum

Would it help if you found some way to have a week away, either on your own or taking your boy with you? It needn't cost a lot - is there a friend somewhere who could put you up, if only for a few days. Perhaps you could repay her/him/them by joining together during the time you are there to do a pre-Christmas spring clean or turf out and decorate a room that is becoming shabby.

Sometimes the only way that family members find out what you do all day is not to do it. A few days away might also give you a bit of breathing space and (absolutely no offence or insult to you intended and I hope you will see what I mean) the time to assess whether it is just you feeling a bit low or whether something really does need to be addressed or changed within the family dynamic. Good luck.

sharon59

also think you have obviously done a good job in managing things.Whilst think daughter will probably lighten up a bit once she gets to uni there is also the possibility she is just someone who will be an academic loner who will live her life happily.However thats fine whilst she is on her own whilst she is under your roof theres no excuse for bad manners/laziness and as hard as it will be you have to harden up!Perhaps you and hubby could together sit her down and explain she needs to pull her weight-draw up a rota-sothat she has to wash/wipe up or put cleaner round.Also now might be a good time to introduce her to the washing machine and iron!tell her she is in charge of her own laundrey/ironing.In the long run she needs to know how to do these things.It may initially be hard but stick to your guns and she will realise you as a family cant be bullied and worn down by childish tantrums as she is now!!! And dont worry what others think of you-eg your family-bet there lives are not perfect!!!!big hugs to you sharonx

bagby

Uncanny, I thought Id written the original post so you're not alone. 17 year old doing AS levels, working and socialising. The whole world revolves around her - bad tempered with family yet charming with friends!!!! The only thing I ask of her is to keep her bedroom tidy and you would have thought Id asked her to paint the 4th bridge. Husband due to come out of work and is totally stressed out. 10 year old is aware of everyone bickering in the family and suffers at her jibes. I think that I have always tried to keep everyone happy yet it doesnt seem to make any difference so now Im wondering why I bother. I know this is very negative so I guess Im just feeling a bit down at the moment.

Not very helpful I know but as D Ream sang "things can only get better".

poet123

I think this is just normal family life.....and normal guilt feelings of mothers everywhere who try to solve everything.

We have 3 kids 23,19 and 10. Eldest at uni but living at home,works one day a week,sleeps whenever not in uni,expects clean kit for training,meals at all hours etc,19n yr old at uni living in,comes homes and is bolshy,10 yr old who is so easygoing it is untrue. I run myself ragged trying to ensure all is kept on an even keel,does it work? sometimes, but more often than not, NO. You are not alone,most of my friends are in the same boat too. I think all families have this dynamic,but what is important is that I know in a crisis they would and have, all pulled together.

Savvy_Sue

I definitely think that once they're in 6th form they need to start learning skills for independence. No need to row about it, just a simple "you need to learn not just HOW to use a washing machine, but also WHEN to use it, ie before you find you've no clean pants left. This is where it is, this is how it works, here is a bag for your dirty laundry." And then stop doing hers.

Other things may take a bit more planning, obviously unfair to expect the youngest to do more than his sister, also if money is tight you can't just go out for fish and chips for him and you because there's no clean pans for you to cook in and he's done his fair share. But I'm sure you can set those plans in motion?

with me, my older two have always been slightly better than the youngest, but I make sure that if anyone has plans for afterschool that we work out what needs to happen, eg on Wednesdays DS2 goes to an afterschool maths lecture, then comes home for about an hour before he needs to go out to Explorers. So it's his responsibility to start the tea if I'm in later than him!

The youngest is best at washing up etc on the days when he wants a lift somewhere.

Might be worth talking to her tutor, they may be worried about her too or be willing to encourage her to broaden her interest. Also you can find parenting classes for the parents of teenagers! It's a whole new ballgame ... try the parentline website for details.

I realise I've concentrated on your daughter and her attitude. You need to have a think too about what YOU want - you're allowed, you know! - and what you'd need to do to get it. It may not be attainable, but at least with goals you're drifting less.

consultant31

My son was exactly like your daughter - very academically minded, clever in school, but a dreadful loner. It used to worry me to death. He and his siblings were constantly arguing about any and everything.

He never did anything in the house (except at Christmas when he was like a whirlwind, helping to clean and decorate ). I always insisted each child kept his/her own rooms something like clean and tidy, but I often shuddered when I pushed the doors to their rooms open

DS got excellent grades at school and went off to uni. I could tell he was scared (he hated change) though he wouldn't admit it and we all cried when we left him at the halls. For almost the whole of the first year he came home every weekend and didn't want to go back on the Sunday evenings.

Then suddenly towards the end of his first year, everything changed. He started to have fun, instead of just working!!!!!!

By the time he left uni he was a dab-hand with an iron and a set of pans. He offered to do various chores at home and was often on the phone to friends he'd made. It was a revelation to us all - the arguments stopped, the stress levels fell and he had turned into a model young man.

So, I think your household sounds perfectly normal, and you seem to be a fantastic Mum. I think you should take a step back and see just how well you've done for your family BUT you sound as though you need a break.

Could you not allow your younger child to stay with someone for a weekend, while you and DH have a few days away....alone! I'm sure with some ready made meals in the freezer, your daughter would cope and it would do her good to see what it's like without you there. Perhaps a grandparent or good friend of yours could keep an eye on her, make sure she was ok.

I hope........no, I know, it will work out, you just have to grit your teeth and wait for the time to pass. Good luck

bellett

Thank you all so much for helping me feel better and not such a failure. It has really helped me to read your replies.

Although I know a lot of my daughter's behaviour is normal teenage stuff, her obsessive need to study to the exclusion of everything else really scares me - thanks Consultant31 for sharing your thoughts re your son...makes me feel better that other's have been there and come out the otherside.

I think some of you hit the nail on the head about me needing to sort myself out and step back a bit - very hard when being a mum/wife is all I've ever really done, but I WILL TRY!

Love the idea of going away with my DH but there is no one to leave my youngest with. Although we have family living within 15 miles we are not close and IF they agreed to have DS for a weekend I would be paying in one way or another for ever. I think the fact that I am not close to my parents and siblings has made me more vulnerable during our current crises. I do try and get on with them but have always been the odd one out and never quite seem to get it right somehow - no matter how I try I just don't fit in. But then when I am feeling low and useless I start thinking I must be an awful sort of person if even my own parents don't like me so that makes me worse....oh dear - I sound a real misery don't I?

Anyway - have decided to try and get things on an even keel with DH. We used to like walking but like everyhting else this has just slid away as I got fatter and more unfit and he got fed up of me moaning about the house and other stuff that we just can't afford to change so just have to live with....even shortish walks would mean we were together and out of the house - might help, at least it's a place to start.

Thanks again everyone - thank you.x

Savvy_Sue

Sounds good, bellet. Just wondered, though, does your son not have a friend who could come for a sleepover and then return the favour? It's half-term so lack of sleep less of an issue!

And thinking back to your first post, you need a united front with your DH towards your DD. He's probably as worried as you are, but as you see it's a fairly normal teenage 'thing', and certainly knowing better than your parents is a VERY normal 'thing', so it's really not worth arguing with her about many things. A calm and not-to-be-argued-with statement along the lines of "your brother has a friend for a sleepover tonight, please try to be pleasant" is one place to start - and I know it will be answered by something like "I'm always pleasant, when am I NOT pleasant, what are you trying to say, it's him who annoys me" and so on, but you just smile and walk away.