Appointeeship - Son 22, with ASD, Wants me to stop

[Deleted User]

Agreed. I did the same. Problem is because of his ASD/personality type he has real problems with ignoring things and making them worse. He's not the best problem solver in the world.

But whatever happens, he will have to solve it now. He's supposed to have a social worker but won't engage. It was ok til the gf came along. They are very isolated. But if there are lessons to be learned I guess he's the one to learn them. I can do no more now.

I think I did over protect him, with the best intentions, made a lot of excuses for him and I think that is what is biting me in the butt now. Lots of regrets, but don't we always have these. Trying to stay rational and just cling on lol.

Ames

teddysmum wrote: »

Don't let him ruin your life and don't even bother reading the interfering girlfriend's texts, as this is none of her business.


He is an adult and has to learn to cope. If he runs out of food, he'll have to approach a food bank and the experience may make him realise the consequences of his spending habits.


Young people can be selfish and have a sense of entitlement without having a disability. Perhaps you could tell him that if he insists he can cope, then he may lose his benefits, as this was the reason for receiving them.

I agree with all your post except the bold bit. There have been a few people with ASD who've posted recently about being abused by a parent and that's what they've been told. It's been used as a way of keeping them at home and dependent. And it's simply not true, budgeting is a small part of the claim.

[Deleted User]

I completely agree with the above. i know my son is fairly challenged mentally. Nothing to do with intelligence or effort. He totally misinterprets things, gets incapacitated by being overwhelmed etc. Had to go and 'rescue' him from Uni a few times last term because he was just overwhelmed.

But because of some very bad experiences at school, he can be very negative and view everyone as an 'enemy' i.e. threatening and that can be unjustified and makes him a little difficult to deal with. I used to be able to help him but now he's an adult of course, the course he's on won't let me intercede for him (he's not engaging with staff there either) and he was on the point of leaving.
He also has big problems distinguishing between what happens in his imagination to fit his feelings of stress and what happened in reality. Very complicated web to untangle. I had to do it a few times. But now I'm a 'suspect' person.

Which is very very sad and quite difficult for me mentally. If I say anything (and I only say very careful things most of the time, careful not to let him know my true feelings) and it upsets him (takes him out of his comfort zone) I am being manipulative. Its very difficult. Kind of makes me incapable of saying anything because its a bit of a difficult concept for me, being thought of as manipulative. His counsellor, he says, said I have been getting off on controlling him (she used more complicated psycho appropriate words).

Thank you for letting me talk, its been a very diffiicult few months and there's only been me in my head I can be honest with lol. I do have a social worker too, but she's very busy and I don't want to go on too much. Some of this is my fault, I know, but would never have imagined it getting like this. He really doesn't seem to see any positives in his mum. None at all. Difficult.

But he's got complete control now. So lets see how it plays out. I am sure he will do well. It could be the making of him. But I don't think he will ever forgive me for whatever he thinks I have done to him.

Yes I do worry his gf is controlling, she has quite severe ASD herself, but I couldn't say a word. I don't know her. I know I don't like what she did, but knew enough to know it would blow up in my face if i said anything. He's going to have to learn that one himself, unfortunately.

[Deleted User]

Perhaps. I did my best with my older son. I really do come from an abusive background. So I do know what physical/emotional abuse is. So its hard to be accused of that sort of thing myself. Which I never visited on my son. But I know I made lots of mistakes, one big one (being involved in an abusive relationship as an adult) which took me years to break free from. He despises me for that. And being depressed at times although I did pick myself up and try my hardest, it obviously wasn't enough. He only knows a tiny fraction of the mental health problems as I hid a lot of it, but not enough obviously. He just sees it as selfish. I'm sorry, words are just so inadequate. Even here I am going on and on about 'me'. I guess that's what he hates. Sorry.

I just can't believe that here I am. But I am, disbelief doesn't help the situation. We are basically not talking now because anything I do say is seen as manipulative and probably self centred so I just don't know what to say. Sorry doesn't seem to help and sends me downhill in a big way. There's no doubt that I have failed him in lots of ways. But nothing I can do. Trying to keep going but its hard right now. I have a younger son so I have to for him. Well for the next 7 years. Now I'm wondering if he is going to be the same. I hate myself and feel very inadequate. All I can hear is my older son's words. I thought I could create a loving healthy family. Certainly failed on that one.

jayII

deannatrois wrote: »

Perhaps. I did my best with my older son. I really do come from an abusive background. So I do know what physical/emotional abuse is. So its hard to be accused of that sort of thing myself. Which I never visited on my son. But I know I made lots of mistakes, one big one (being involved in an abusive relationship as an adult) which took me years to break free from. He despises me for that. And being depressed at times although I did pick myself up and try my hardest, it obviously wasn't enough. He only knows a tiny fraction of the mental health problems as I hid a lot of it, but not enough obviously. He just sees it as selfish. I'm sorry, words are just so inadequate. Even here I am going on and on about 'me'. I guess that's what he hates. Sorry.

I just can't believe that here I am. But I am, disbelief doesn't help the situation. We are basically not talking now because anything I do say is seen as manipulative and probably self centred so I just don't know what to say. Sorry doesn't seem to help and sends me downhill in a big way. There's no doubt that I have failed him in lots of ways. But nothing I can do. Trying to keep going but its hard right now. I have a younger son so I have to for him. Well for the next 7 years. Now I'm wondering if he is going to be the same. I hate myself and feel very inadequate. All I can hear is my older son's words. I thought I could create a loving healthy family. Certainly failed on that one.

I don't think I've ever replied to you before but I've often read your threads and I've always been impressed by your posts. You always come across as a very warm, caring and loving mum who is only focussed on coping with life and doing your absolute best for your two sons. Between your ASD and other issues and your sons' ASD diagnosis, you've been given a really difficult load in life, yet you tackle every obstacle with determination and persistence.

You've fought so hard to get to where you are and you've done BRILLIANTLY!!!

Don't let a sulky young adult get you down. Yes he's your son but he's doing the usual 'I can do it all myself and I know best', that many young people his age do. He's also behaving really badly and I bet he knows it too! He needs distance from parental support/supervision and a few lessons in having to cope with sticky situations, then he (and the girlfriend) might start to realise how much you've genuinely helped him.

Stick to a line of 'I'm so sorry darling, I'd love to help but I can't right now', don't criticise him/them and remain loving and caring, then he'll probably calm down sooner rather than later.

Please don't be too hard on yourself. All any of us can do is our best and your son needs to realise that even parents are people! I know the ASD makes it hard for him to understand that, but struggling through his own problems is the only way he will start to realise that it's not always easy being a fully-fledged adult with adult responsibilities.

[Deleted User]

Penitent, know exactly what you mean re medication and I get flashbacks of various 'wrongs' that I have to consciously shut down.

Yes Jay, thank you for your comments. I think it does get me that I thought I had brought up my son to be kind and understanding of others, and expect this from others. Although there has always been the negativity I referred to earlier as well. There's nothing of that gentleness showing now with the exception of his attitude to his gf. I know he feels she needs him because she is quite affected at times by anxiety. In the recent past he'd come back here to recuperate from the pressure of that but I think he's gradually gotten sucked in by the needs in her family. I know from experience being a 'needed person' makes you feel better and more in control. I suspect that is part of it. Have to hope its a phase and will pass, but that's his choice now. The thing that worries me is what happens when the nastiness I got from her is turned on him. It will happen. He is vulnerable. But I just have to hope I've given him the tools to cope cause I am out of his life for now. Feel so helpless but only so much I can do.