Appointeeship - Son 22, with ASD, Wants me to stop

I have a son 22, with ASD, ADHD etc. He's at university. First term he spent his loan within 6 weeks and I had to help him out. Second term, same thing. He gets DLA of £300 a month. Or rather I get it and forward it to him as I am his appointee.

He's gotten progressively angry with me, more or less accusing me of abuse.., when he's being nice he says I am a control freak lol.

Blown up again as I forwarded the full £300 DLA four weeks ago, he spent it within two weeks. This month I said I'd give him £77.50 a week so he'd have money for food in weeks 3 and 4. I really was doing it for his benefit. But according to him I'm a control freak, stopping him from learning how to budget. He wants me to write to benefits to say he can control his own finances and I wish to revoke the appointeeship. But in my opinion I can't, I would be lying. Every time I've given him an opportunity to 'manage' money he's spent it toute suite. Its even risked his university course. He went to his gf's and couldn't afford to travel back two weeks ago.

What do I do? It would be 'easier' to just say 'to hell with it' and do what he wants.., but its not the responsible thing to do. I would be lying, which is something I don't do as well. As soon as he shows he can manage money at all, I would be only too happy to reliquish the appointeeship.

We aren't getting on at all at the moment. He's so angry.
«1

Comments

  • Ames
    Ames Posts: 18,459 Forumite
    I don't think giving him control is in his best interests. You're not financially abusing him because you are giving him his money, in fact by trying to make sure he manages it better you're doing exactly what an appointee should do.

    I don't know enough about ASD - if you carried on giving it to him four weekly and refused to bail him out if he blows it in a week would he learn, or would he keep on spending it straight away?

    Does he realise/understand that even if he gets it direct to him it'll still be the same amount and still every four weeks? What does he actually think he'll gain by having it paid to him?
    Unless I say otherwise 'you' means the general you not you specifically.
  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Posts: 7,323
    Name Dropper First Post First Anniversary
    Forumite
    edited 27 February 2018 at 1:42AM
    I was, after a bad time last month and the month before going to go back to giving the DLA to him weekly rather than monthly.

    Unfortunately he isn't learning. Any sum of money I give him for whatever reason, he spends within a very short space of time, regardless of what its supposed to be for. I wanted to give him chance to learn the hard way but it just isn't working.
  • w06
    w06 Posts: 917 Forumite
    Difficult situation, what you describe isn't something isolated to people with disabilities, it's a common story amongst students in general. Suddenly having financial responsibility is a baptism of fire for many young adults.

    In many respects he's right, the way to learn how to handle money is to have to do it and have to be responsible and feel the consequences of not doing it well.

    Two thoughts from me:

    Put the decision in DWP's hands, they need to assess him and decide, it's not doing your relationship with your son any good and potentially he is as capable as other students his age. It must be very frustrating for him too

    It's possible for him to have full control and set his own safeguards, by the money being paid into one account and transferred into another for use in manageable chunks. Lots of folk, especially students who receive money in big chunks at long intervals, do that. I always intended to do it with my PhD stipend, which was paid 3 monthly, but never quite got around to it.
  • How do I do that?

    As far as I am aware, I either write a letter to the DWP saying he's capable or I don't. There doesn't seem to be a way to say "what do you think?" to the DWP?

    https://www.moneycarer.org.uk/faqs/appointeeship/can-an-appointeeship-be-cancelled.html
  • w06
    w06 Posts: 917 Forumite
    write to the DWP, or phone them, saying what you've said here, it's not black and white and the responsibility to make the decision shouldn't be yours (and isn't as far as I'm aware)
  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Posts: 7,323
    Name Dropper First Post First Anniversary
    Forumite
    edited 27 February 2018 at 11:57AM
    Thank you.., but did you see the link? I have to write and say I think he's able to handle his benefit affairs, which includes finances. I don't.

    Update: Perhaps I am being too literal (I have ASD too). I have sent the letter to the DWP and a copy to him.
  • Ames
    Ames Posts: 18,459 Forumite
    If he gets control of his money then I think it's important that you let him live with the consequences.

    What happened when he nearly didn't make it back from his girlfriends? If you paid, then don't do it. If he runs out of food, then tough (or perhaps give him something similar to what he'd get from a foodbank).

    Let his counsellor deal with the fallout.
    Unless I say otherwise 'you' means the general you not you specifically.
  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Posts: 7,323
    Name Dropper First Post First Anniversary
    Forumite
    edited 27 February 2018 at 12:08PM
    Yep, I am resigned to being out of his life now. Its not helped that he's got a gf.., she seems to be very 'rights' avid lol. You wouldn't believe how she was with me. Took my son's phone and I had an hour of nasty texts that I did NOT get nasty about saying what an abuser I am. And he let her. That was the worst of it.

    Oh well, its too late now. What is done is done. Never thought this could be a possibility. Feel like I am living in a horror story to be honest. It is hard to keep going. No I don't hint of that to him.
  • teddysmum
    teddysmum Posts: 9,471
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Post
    Forumite
    Don't let him ruin your life and don't even bother reading the interfering girlfriend's texts, as this is none of her business.


    He is an adult and has to learn to cope. If he runs out of food, he'll have to approach a food bank and the experience may make him realise the consequences of his spending habits.


    Young people can be selfish and have a sense of entitlement without having a disability. Perhaps you could tell him that if he insists he can cope, then he may lose his benefits, as this was the reason for receiving them.
  • Danday
    Danday Posts: 436 Forumite
    My only worry in this situation is that he could apply and abuse a credit card(s) if he has no money left.
This discussion has been closed.
Meet your Ambassadors

Categories

  • All Categories
  • 342.5K Banking & Borrowing
  • 249.9K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
  • 449.4K Spending & Discounts
  • 234.6K Work, Benefits & Business
  • 607.1K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
  • 172.8K Life & Family
  • 247.4K Travel & Transport
  • 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
  • 15.8K Discuss & Feedback
  • 15.1K Coronavirus Support Boards