Over 40k in debt and ready to ask for help!

papermaker

I have been kidding myself about my financial situation for a long time now. Have managed to keep the wolf from the door (mostly) and bat off attempts at collection.
There are circumstances which have led to debt as well as difficult circumstances in my life which have meant I have been unable to share this situation with my husband. He has mental health issues and I spent many years suffering domestic abuse at his hands. While that is not now the case, money is the one thing that sets him off again and so I have become an expert in coping with the debt alone. I would welcome any advice regarding how to proceed with contacting debt companies and looking at individual debt situations.
Please don't judge - I am from a background where I have had to accept my lot and have kept secrets basically to be able to live.
Debts have built up over 20 odd years and are hanging over me. My husband has no idea about any of them and I want to do whatever I can to see if I can have any written off due to the mental health situation etc as well as make small agreements to others.
I have very limited funds to pay back without my husband noticing money is being paid elsewhere. He is obsessed about every penny and even though I have 2 jobs he has all my income. This has been difficult when being asked to fill in income and outgoings forms as on paper it looks like I have a good income but I actually only see a very small amount myself every month.
I will post a break down of the debts. I am ashamed to see it in black and white. I have started repayment plans over the years but struggled to afford even a few pounds a month after a while. Recently had a couple of Lloyds debts (under £300) written off due to my situation. I am wondering if I should have been more honest with other creditors about why I am in debt in case they can also help.
Woke up today knowing this cant go on. Any advice would really be appreciated.

I

Slowdown

Hi there,

Whilst I don't have any expert advice about your financial situation, I do think you need to address your personal situation without delay. Clearly there are many complex and delicate issues at play here and you have my sympathy.

Living in fear of your partner's potentially violent reactions, should he find out about the debt, is not the way forward. Your ability to deal with the debt will be hugely affected by this and in my opinion, almost impossible to solve. You say your partner has all your income. Do you pay it into an account solely in his name? Why do you have no access yourself? How can you even begin to pay off debt if this is the case.

Perhaps exploring whether the relationship is working for you should be your first step. There are support agencies out there to offer advice and there are free ones too. I really, really think you need to tackle the personal situation soon because if he does find out you may not be safe. I am very concerned about this.

I'm sure there will be lots of people along soon to offer you huge amounts of practical advice and I would like to wish you well in your quest to solve this problem. Please keep posting as this forum has been the salvation of many due to the very knowledgeable and supportive people here.

papermaker

DWP debt - £2300 ?
Council Tax debt - £3200 - Charging Order *
Tax Credits overpayment - £6000
DWP debt - £5500 - carers allowance overpayment (old claim) - paying via deductions from my DLA
RBS loan - £16000 - paying £30 monthly and Charging Order
NHS charge - £200
Housing Benefit overpayment (from 10 years ago) - £16000 - Charging Order
Quik Quid - £400
Parking fines - £1150
Orange - £188
Capital One - £300
Talk Talk - £190
Halifax - £95
Credit Acceptance Corporation - £6700 (I think this is for a car brought on HP over 15 years ago which was returned as not fit for sale within weeks)
I also have to my shame taken 3 store cards in two of my daughters names to around £1300. They are unaware of this.
All debts, literally all of them, have been me trying to manage bringing up 6 children through a very difficult situation. It doesnt feel right to go into detail but things ahve been very hard due to my husbands mental health and how this affects his relationship with money. Benefit overpayments have come about when I have been scared to inform them of a change of circumstances as I would be the one bearing the brunt of the blame when our income dropped.
My husband would never act against the law or in a way that caused debt/overpayments. I wrongly allowed these situations to develop to save myself really.
I can only access this site for limited times every day due to situation but am determined to do what I can to address things. However, please dont suggest I tell my husband. This is not an option. I know that sounds wrong but it would cause a huge trigger of mental health and abuse and is not something I can bear to face again.
Please anyone who could advise me where to start - I really would appreciate it.

papermaker

Good morning Slowdown and thank you so much for your thoughts here.
I completely understand how this looks and why concerns are clear about my relationship.I am 30 years into this relationship now and I do not want to end this as when his mental health is more stable my husband is a loving person. Money is always a problem though.
The wages go into his sole account (we have no joint accounts) and he transfers me a very small amount to buy food every week. We do live frugally.
I am selling some things on ebay in secret and keeping money back from shopping which I am hoping will be able to help me make minimal payments to debt companies.
I understand my situation is unusual and I will be advised that if I cant tell my husband and/or end the relationship there is nothing can be done.
Thanks again

papermaker

I would also add I have given my husband a bad credit score due to the Charging Orders. He has no other debt (doesn't believe in credit) and I am afraid he will find out about it if we sell our home.

Slowdown

And just to say that you don't need to feel ashamed. Problems come in all shapes and sizes to all of us. Some are created by others, some by our own hand, but however they have arrived they are rarely solved by feeling ashamed, but by feeling they are a puzzle that can be solved.

Slowdown

My husband would never act against the law or in a way that caused debt/overpayments. I wrongly allowed these situations to develop to save myself really.
I can only access this site for limited times every day due to situation but am determined to do what I can to address things. However, please dont suggest I tell my husband. This is not an option. I know that sounds wrong but it would cause a huge trigger of mental health and abuse and is not something I can bear to face again.
Please anyone who could advise me where to start - I really would appreciate it.

It is not lawful to carry out violent domestic abuse. Your husband has acted unlawfully.

If the huge trigger of mental health and abuse is not something you can go through again then you seriously need to reconsider your position. You are asking for advice on where to start and I genuinely think your personal situation is the place. You have effectively lied to the authorities, falsely impersonated others among other things, all to stave off violent reactions from your husband.
I'm not suggesting you tell him but I am suggesting you contact a support agency and talk through all these problems with them. There is a way out for you. You have freedom of choice whatever your situation. You may not feel it, but it's there. This situation is not ok. You should feel safe and secure not afraid and desperate.

enjoyyourshoes

You are either both in it together or Not.

If not, then you have to ask the deeper questions as to why not?

You say you have a 'good income' but partner 'only transfers a very little amount for food'. This does not sound healthy and compounded with the fact that you can not talk to him about the financial problems accrued over '20 odd years' screams out that you have to take radical action.

The obvious first option is to talk to hime about it.

The second option is to leave him and resolve the debts afterwards?

I have kept the options stark as its easier for you to work out what you will need to do.

Apologies for being brutal.

Grumpelstiltskin

OP Please read this.

http://www.the-ripple-effect.info/pdf/isitreallyabuse.pdf


You are being abused and it appears he has done a good job on you over the years, you appear to have no self esteem and a marriage is not where one partner is frightened of the other's reaction.

OK If the debt is in your name then it will have to be sorted but the most important thing is your sanity and safety, you need to get out ASAP the debt can wait.

[Deleted User]

I don't see a happy solution to this, most of these debts are to the authorities and he presumably was enjoying any overpayments etc so should be just as culpable in not informing them of changes to circumstances.


I had enormous sympathy until you said you took out cards in your daughters names which they don't know about. That involves a certain cunning and to do that to family is despicable. I'm sure if you were honest with them originally they may have helped.


Don't hide behind ' mental health' when sorting this out, there didn't seem to be any problems jumping hoops and never ending forms to receive the money.


£40K is to big a sum to hide from your husband and I'm assuming this debt is equal as you would have been assessed as a couple so is is also responsible for this even though you seem to think it lies on your shoulders.

papermaker

Thank you for all taking the time to post and I do appreciate your comments.
In reply - for example, my husband did not even know we were getting some of these benefits incorrectly as I convinced him I had acted correctly when he started work by ending the housing benefit claim. Instead I kept the £70 odd a week rent money he gave me to pay the rent (it was many years ago) and used it to clothe/feed the children etc. I have a criminal record for this but was not given a prison sentence due to my circumstances and having disabled children. So he did not 'enjoy the overpayments'.
See, it is me who has acted wrongly.
Yes I completely know it was wrong to take out the cards in my daughters names. I did this and paid the minimum amounts for a while but couldn't manage to keep it up. One store card was to buy a computer for my daughter - I couldn't face letting her know her dad had said no. I have a terrible credit history or I would have got this in my name. They both live abroad now but I am dreading them finding out.
I think its back to burying my head in the sand again from what I have read.
I have NEVER confided in anyone about my situation - all smiles on the surface - haven't asked for support as ironically I worked for the agency I would be referred to so am too ashamed.
My request today was just a genuine plea for practical advice to tackle/contact/plead with creditors.