Dealing with extreme noise with disabilities.

dekaspace

Outside of moving which I don't want to do as its social housing, wearing headphones or earplugs which I can't do as my autism gives me panic attacks wearing them or being out of the house when they make noise which is difficult as I can't gauge it or as its in evening when I come back from college means I have no relaxation time.

Even been sleeping 13 hours a day past week due to the stress.

Ok backstory, as people know it can come across as I have had neighbour complaints everywhere I lived which is somewhat true, at previous property had a neighbour who gave spare keys to his cousin who brought his dog round multiple times a day, let it off lead and it barked, this could be middle of night but always at 6am before work, the same neighbours cousin used to have barbeques in the communal garden and leave it full of rubbish, get agressive if you went into garden whilst he was having one and demand you leave, scream racism if you tried reaching a compromise, and the neighbour above me for a year had 2 dogs they left alone all day and would jump and bark constantly at slightest sound even sitting on chair, opening a bedroom door,

This property its just consistent kids noise or visitor, the neighbour put in nice laminate, which means I hear everything, keeps lying when I talk to her or blaming other people, but a few times a week has friends round who bring their own kids so on average 8-12 kids running about on laminate for about 3-6 hours multiple times a week made worse now shes got a puppy that barks a lot too, council got involved and had snotty letter through door from neighbour stating she has a right to have partys and friends whenever she wants and in captials "AS IS MY RIGHT TO DO"

All I asked the council for was mediation which she by councils own admission (though they wouldn't tell me exactly what was said) was agressive over and refusing mediation.

She had a kids party last night which at one point I saw a group of adults and kids outside my very door screaming, running and yelling which I thought was intentional, and last weekend a party with drunken adults that went on to 5am, she also has admitted that her "babysitter" in her own words shouts at her kids as "she likes her drink"

I so far have missed a week of college as so dizzy and chest thumping pains, and sleeping a few times 13 hours a day.

Note I am not asking about medical advice more how to cope with this sort of situation and to make me relax more about it.

spadoosh

The way i tolerate other peoples behaviour which i dont like is by looking to myself. I know im an idiot, i know i do stupid things and i know some people wont like me. As much as i accept my flaws, i dont need people to point them out to me, as such i find the only reasonable thing to do is not point out other peoples flaws.

Out of curiousity out of the times youve complained about neighbours, how many times have those complaints led to resolutions? Most time i see someone complain about something you just end up with two sides sticking their feet in.

I understand you want peace and enjoyment as they say but i cant work out a way of getting peace and enjoyment from a complaint. It seems counter intuitive.


A couple of examples, my neighbour has a parrot. Its quite active and loud through the night. I could complain about the noise but i only see that upsetting my neighbour. I have a dog, it will bark and probably more so when im out, my neighbour could complain but is probably aware it would upset me. If he started a complaint, my reaction would be to find his flaws, when i decided he was living the perfect enough life that he could stipulate how others should live theirs i would stop. The current sitatuion is mutually beneficial. I cant see anything else offering a better solution (than grinning and bearing it).

dekaspace

spadoosh wrote: »

The way i tolerate other peoples behaviour which i dont like is by looking to myself. I know im an idiot, i know i do stupid things and i know some people wont like me. As much as i accept my flaws, i dont need people to point them out to me, as such i find the only reasonable thing to do is not point out other peoples flaws.

Out of curiousity out of the times youve complained about neighbours, how many times have those complaints led to resolutions? Most time i see someone complain about something you just end up with two sides sticking their feet in.

I understand you want peace and enjoyment as they say but i cant work out a way of getting peace and enjoyment from a complaint. It seems counter intuitive.


A couple of examples, my neighbour has a parrot. Its quite active and loud through the night. I could complain about the noise but i only see that upsetting my neighbour. I have a dog, it will bark and probably more so when im out, my neighbour could complain but is probably aware it would upset me. If he started a complaint, my reaction would be to find his flaws, when i decided he was living the perfect enough life that he could stipulate how others should live theirs i would stop. The current sitatuion is mutually beneficial. I cant see anything else offering a better solution (than grinning and bearing it).

Im basically a soft touch, I try being polite and saying I hear noise, can they hear me, I can understand they have kids/work long hours, and appreciate I don't hear noise during the night I also say I don't mind them having guests, or kids, pets, creaky floorboards but certain things can agitate like if they have groups of friends round at weekend and drink and put music on and even then I am a good sport and put up with it as everyone needs time to unwind basically I give them excuses.

Each time im basically told its everyday noise, and in fact they praise me for being so quiet, at that last property had my downstairs neighbour and the then upstairs neighbour check up on me as they thought I either moved out or had a fall as they had not heard me or seen me for a week or more, had that at a few properties actually

Just as had landlords phone me as the times they have visiited I haven't been in and the property looks like no one lives there (like not a spec of dust, bed neat and tidy, no cutlery or plates in sink etc.

I often say I like hearing something over nothing, as long as something like anything in life doesn't directly disturb me, someone could be having a wild house party but I can't hear it and I get no fallout like people running in halls or singing outside my window, they have a right to do so and are having fun.

I dislike hypocricy though, such as me tiptoeing about and still getting treated like I am making too much noise and someone say coming back drunk every weekend and slamming doors and putting music on then whinging how they got woke at 8am when I got up as it woke them too.

But I don't know how to cope with this noise, I am settled in the flat and have it set to a way I like, but another tenant is a drug dealer or abuser or both, and have caught people shooting up outside my door before, I have a feeling thats why the noise has esclated as the neighbour above has witnessed it too so keeps kids indoors.

David_Aston

Sadly, given you are the way you are, it does look as though you should be considering a move as soon as you can.

BorisThomson

I don't think you're ill intentioned, but I doubt your neighbours would see you as a good sport, more very hard work.

Noise is an absolute nuisance, but it is a fact of life when living in flats. You've made such an issue of this that, whatever they do, you'll still find fault.

Find ways to distract yourself from the noise, such as a radio on in the background. At the moment you're waiting for it to start, you're actively listening out for it, you're creating your own anxiety.

I do understand how upsetting it is to you, but the solution does lie with you and not your neighbours.

dekaspace

BorisThomson wrote: »

I don't think you're ill intentioned, but I doubt your neighbours would see you as a good sport, more very hard work.

Noise is an absolute nuisance, but it is a fact of life when living in flats. You've made such an issue of this that, whatever they do, you'll still find fault.

Find ways to distract yourself from the noise, such as a radio on in the background. At the moment you're waiting for it to start, you're actively listening out for it, you're creating your own anxiety.

I do understand how upsetting it is to you, but the solution does lie with you and not your neighbours.

Im not a nuisance though, I tolerated such noise as them having family round for a week last year and the men in the family drinking heavily and up to 4am with tv on full blast I could hear the commentry on the sports!

I tolerated by her own admission 20 kids playing form 6am-midnight when they were having a party last year.

I tolerated her 5am drunken party last week.

I tolerated her kids throwing snowballs at my windows

I have lived away from home for 20 years and have lived in places where its been parties every day from neighbours and next to drug dealers, addicts, alcoholics, mentally ill funnily enough when I lived next to a dealer it was silence all the time.

Noise is a fact of life however theres a point between normal noise and excessive noise, a majority of the noise from my neighbour is down to laminate, the running about will be watered down hugely by carpet to a tolerable standard.

I can sleep through busy roads, workmen drilling, binmen maybe in as I can go to another room and get away from it.

So not like I am worked up over nothing, at least its near silence today maybe as its half term.

The general thing was I didn't like to live my life around them, and they shouldn't live their life around me it was compromise, I shouldn't have to be woken when their kids wake up and play, I should after a day at work/college come back and relax and not hear them entertaining guests to a extreme noise level and I shouldn't have to be the soft touch and let her do what she wants when she wants and me the villain!

Ames

The problem is a lot of what you're describing is just normal noise, and is part and parcel of living in a flat. I live in a ground floor council flat and I can hear everything my neighbour does - toilet noises, bedroom noises, talking on the phone, walking about, his alarm going off at 5.20 on a morning... It's not his fault, it's the way the flats are built.

I think you need to concentrate on things that are beyond the normal. If they've got laminate when they're not allowed it then maybe the council can do something about that. If they've got a dog and their lease doesn't allow them to, then that can be reported. If the noise is outside of 'normal' hours, ie about 6am to 11pm Monday to Friday and a bit later on a weekend, then complain about that.

By lumping everything into your complaint you're making it harder for the council to pick out what the problem is and do anything about it. I know you don't want to hear this, but it makes you appear unreasonable. You need to pick your battles carefully. You've already seen that your approach is getting your neighbours' backs up and making them worse.

I've got mental health problems, and my neighbour's noise (and problems with other neighbours) often trigger and make them worse. But it's up to me to deal with them - I can't expect my neighbours to take resposibility for my health problems.

If you really can't cope with noise from your neighbours and the council can't do anything the perhaps you need to explore your options regarding some kind of supported housing.

Cyclamen

It doesnt sound like a flat is the right place for you but a syou are not able to move have you tried minimising the noise in your home.

I have hyper accuissis.. in that in my bad patches noise is physically painful. I know this is me as my neighbours are lovely, I hardly here a peep but last summer the young lad started learning to play the saxaphone and i had the opening bars of the simpsons most day squeaking through the walls. I knew this was me though so tried my best to cheer him on an dlisten for improvements.

Thick curtains can help reduce noise, Hanging pretty blankets/curtains on joining walls (as decorative wall hangings) can help reduce the noise. If noise is from below thick carpet/underlay. Rearranging furniture so your bed is on an internal wall and wardrobes on the joining walls.

Are you windows double glazed? If not would fitting secondary glazing inside be a possibility. Are you able to fit any professional sound damping matterial.. i don't know about this but there must be something out there.

Can you distract with white noise, either a CD or even something like a fan on in the room?

I hope you find a solution

dekaspace

Ames wrote: »

The problem is a lot of what you're describing is just normal noise, and is part and parcel of living in a flat. I live in a ground floor council flat and I can hear everything my neighbour does - toilet noises, bedroom noises, talking on the phone, walking about, his alarm going off at 5.20 on a morning... It's not his fault, it's the way the flats are built.

I think you need to concentrate on things that are beyond the normal. If they've got laminate when they're not allowed it then maybe the council can do something about that. If they've got a dog and their lease doesn't allow them to, then that can be reported. If the noise is outside of 'normal' hours, ie about 6am to 11pm Monday to Friday and a bit later on a weekend, then complain about that.

By lumping everything into your complaint you're making it harder for the council to pick out what the problem is and do anything about it. I know you don't want to hear this, but it makes you appear unreasonable. You need to pick your battles carefully. You've already seen that your approach is getting your neighbours' backs up and making them worse.

I've got mental health problems, and my neighbour's noise (and problems with other neighbours) often trigger and make them worse. But it's up to me to deal with them - I can't expect my neighbours to take resposibility for my health problems.

If you really can't cope with noise from your neighbours and the council can't do anything the perhaps you need to explore your options regarding some kind of supported housing.

Normal noise things, but to extreme levels made worse by laminate yeah, hence large groups of kids running about at once. it is double glazed

I mean I never hear their tv, or music and at most pacing about from adults is just creaking floor, tolerable, for a few months the kids kept ramming toys into the wall and by her own admission on multiple occasions had around 20 kids shut into one room at one time, 20 kids in one room is not normal noise, sometimes its 10, sometimes its 20 and that party I reckon was more because she admitted she was inviting the whole primary school class round (and also their parents)

I have lived in tiny bedrooms with walls to thin you can hear the neighbour burp fart, snore, open and close doors and cupboards so I know what noise is like, none of that bothered me much (apart from when they had friends round till 3-5am in morning) I have lived next to someone who had a drum kit, I lived next to someone who didn't live in his room and gave out spare keys and it turned into 24/7 party music full blast and I got a hour a day sleep if lucky. I even lived next to someone who liked to take drugs and on have sex all night, one occasion a 24 hour sex session!

So I know noise and what is tolerable and not, whenever I do have guests staying overnight they are woken around 5am by the kids running about and screaming and dropping toys.

And right now I think they are playing games, their tv feels like loud (but no bass) and I hear an agressive male voice it feels they are trying to punish me.

I can drown out their noise but it would involve me putting on tv or computer to agressive levels which would stress me out and make me look bad.

So yeah it is normal/everyday noise but to not everyday noise levels.

Ames

Kids have a right to play though, and if they can't play outside because of the drug users then they're going to be noisy inside. The frequent parties might be an issue you can complain about, but not the playing.

Can't you see how hard it is for the parents trying to keep their children safe and let them have as normal a childhood as possible?

dekaspace

Ames wrote: »

Kids have a right to play though, and if they can't play outside because of the drug users then they're going to be noisy inside. The frequent parties might be an issue you can complain about, but not the playing.

Can't you see how hard it is for the parents trying to keep their children safe and let them have as normal a childhood as possible?

Who says I can't seeit though? In fact why do you think I can't see? I have zero issue with HER kids playing its the fact multiple nights a week she has 10+ kids running about screaming, chucking things at each other, chasing the dog which makes it bark. Again by her own admission she actually blamed her friends for everything, she said her friends like a drink when they come round and let kids play, and she can't handle 10+ kids running around so she lets them get on with it and even admits it is noisy (or she did until it has escalated) Its when she has 10 or more kids around that the noise gets to extremes, that would be so even with carpet but at least it would muffle it enough.

Shes also friends with 2 other families in the block with kids of similar ages who she tells me she likes to visit often, and is friends with many other families just across the road, many have their own large gardens, and we are 2 minutes walk from a park with swings, slides. Sure she has a right to stay in but so do I.

Hey if it stops the noise upstairs the kids can play in my garden, its nice to see kids play and enjoy themselves and safest option.

So, its not like I am just complaining for the sake of it, I have politely spoken to her in past, each time getting outright lies, contradictions and overall just being told "so what" I don't need to or want to know her life story and she has a right not to tell me, but I dislike the fact she is being deceitful thats pretty much it because it causes more problems.

Penitent wrote: »

This is very unlikely. It sounds like they're just doing what families do.

Trying to look at things from the neighbour's viewpoint, she may feel like she's just living a normal life, but this bloke from downstairs keeps complaining and asking personal questions about the men she has in her house, where she's from, etc.

I know that's not your intention, you're just responding in the best way you can to a situation that's stressing you out, but she may indeed be feeling victimised, which would explain her angry response to mediation (i.e. "Why should I mediate when he's harrassing me over normal noise?")

I know you don't want to move, but I also don't think there's going to be a happy resolution where you are now.

I have spoken to her 5 times since I moved in, she leads the discussion such as telling me she has her husband then male babysitter, so the time we spoke in New Year I said I heard more noise than usual last few days sounded like a guy laughing/speaking guess thats the babysitter (because she told me specifically she has a male babysitter that is half deaf therefore shouts when he speaks and walks heavily) each time she jumps to the problem the first time I spoke to her I said I heard noise she pointed to her slippers and went "can't be me I wear slippers all the time" then said "oh we had a party yesterday by the way, it was a religious event there was 20 kids playing in bedroom and we finished at midnight"

I didn't mention what the noises were, I did say there was one night I heard noise past midnight and she went "yes I had family visiting, they like their drink"

I never asked any time who made the noise.

Most recent time after the party I said I heard a party she went "yes my friends turned up, already drunk and started singing and drinking even more and didn't leave to 5am oh well, nothing I could do"

I never mentioned times except saying it went quiet for a while at 1am (didn't say I heard drunk men leave her property then sing in the street at same time) I said drunken people she said drunken females.

Though you think 20 kids locked in a room is normal whilst adults spend all day getting drunk? 30 kids the other day? A babysitter who she told me "likes to/a drink" whilst babysitting primary school age children then screams at the kids to shut up? Then the kids cry which makes her shout more, then the dog barks.

Theres a limit to noise, sure the fact she chose laminate is agrivating but thats not the main issue, I understand kids get up early, I understand by her own admission she does shift work, I understand she has friends and other things but there gets a point with noise, I mean her washing machine doesn't bother me in the slightest, the toilet being used, guests coming and going

Very few things basically bother me, I have lived below people with kids before, lived below people with dogs not much does bother me, even the kids crying during night doesn't

I even put up with her "invisible" male guests chucking rubbish into my garden, and fag ends, or standing in my garden chatting up and having things passed down (the same men she claims don't exist)

Its just a gang of rowdy kids and adults, which went on for 14 days straight until the council contacted them, after being fobbed off on 2 occasions, so thats 10-20 kids at one time, and at least the same amount of adults being rowdy, doors getting slammed, kids slamming toys into walls for 14 days, 2 of those days being late parties im actually appreciative of the fact I almost never hear noise after 10pm its just a shame I can't get any peace often in day time unless its half term or summer.

And last week she claimed to be away for 5 days, those days bar day 1 I didn't hear any kids or dog noise so she was likely telling the truth but the male I keep seeing and hearing that she claims doesn't exist its possible a friend or so had a spare key and just used it for a place to crash for a few days and had loads of friends round, thats not being nosy or anything its saying maybe she didn't even realise there was noise, its just a shame with her denials she is anything but a single mother as is her right and im not going to push her for answers (so yeah not being nosy) it just makes things extra hard as a result.

I don't intend for things to get bad thats why I am a soft touch and let it go on for so long, I don't know why the previous tenants moved out but since shes moved in tenants haven't lasted very long maybe they had a issue with noise too.