In a dilemma... What shall I do?

Kevicho

I think personally you should use this as a test of how strong your relationship is.

I would sit him down and explain the situation, im sure youll get a supportive response, but if you dont then i think that will be your answer right there.

I wouldnt dump somebody because of not wanting them to know financial issues, thats just letting this situation ruin your life, if he is supportive then his help morally will be of much help to you.

WestWalesWannabee

I know you lovely people are all right. I should tell him and it will be indicative of how strong our relationship is.

Do/did any of you think that if you told someone about your debt that they could throw it back in your face and upset you in an argument? If it's something that you feel emotional about, it's an easy tool to use to hurt you.

I always feel that if I don't tell people my demons they've got less ammunition against me.

I'm forever trying to cope on my own but somedays it's just too darn difficult.

There have been times when i've been on the verge of telling him and the words are sticking in my throat. Just can't get them to reach my mouth! He knows something is wrong and i've told him that i'm not ready to tell him yet. I think he feels a bit let down because he had an issue that was bothering him and yet he told me after about 2 months together.

newlywed

I told OH just before we got engaged. I felt sick about the whole thing. I sat him down told him there was something I needed to tell him and he needed to know.

I felt he needed to know about it before we ever shared the same home as it could affect him too.

I cried when I told him. He was lovely said it's not just my problem, but our problem now. He was a little distant that evening but I think it was just shock and thinking it all through. And although there were one or two digs about it at times, he has never thrown it back at me in an argument. It was hard to do but I was so glad when I had done it. It meant I could talk through with him about contacting CCCS and what a Debt Management Plan would mean.

It also meant that I no longer had reason to snap at him every time he suggested us doing something that cost money - I could just say but I'm broke can we do something cheaper. Saved lots of snapping and tension.

Mine was worse, I was living at home with my parents when I clocked up most of the debt. My parents and family never knew about it all. They just new I had credit cards. I still couldn't tell them the extent of it - it's going down now because of a debt management plan but it's still more than £30k.

Look at CCCS website too - they help you work out a budget of income etc and the rest can be paid off to debts. You can get most of it online or else ring and chat with them for help. They are really nice.

Fortheloveofmoney

I found telling my OH about the debt really hard. Not because I feared how he would react but because I felt that it was my problem and I had to deal with it. I also knew he would offer to pay it off (generous man!) and I also knew I could never let him.

We had been together about 4 months when I confessed to him and it was only because he kept on about booking a trip to New York which I knew I couldn't afford.

He was absolutely fine about it. He gave me a big hug and asked me if I wanted him to pay it off. I said no but asked for his help in other ways. I gave him my credits and he looked after them for a couple of months until I got out the habit of using them. He hugged me whenever times got hard and fed me when I couldn't afford to eat.

He was and is an absolute star and I love him dearly. My debt has held us back a bit and he has never brought this up as an issue.

We are engaged and getting married next year and so far he is the only one contributing to the wedding fund. Again he is fine with this and knows I will as soon as my debt is paid off (roll on May 2008!!!!)

I think it does come down to the strength of the relationship. Only you know the answer to this but you may be pleasantly surprised.

Big hugs

xx

phxleo

WestWalesWannabee wrote: »

Hi Everyone. New here and could really do with some advice.

To give you some background, i'm about £30k in debt and have been for some time now. I've defaulted on agreements, got a CCJ and have got creditors chasing me left right and centre. I'm trying to get it sorted without the ade of someone like Payplan but it's taking some time and it's not easy!

Anyway. I've been with my boyfriend now for about 8 months and I live on my own. He knows i'm in debt but he has no idea for how much and am guessing would be mortified if i told him. I just can't bring myself to tell him! I'm so ashamed and would hate to think he would look at me in a different light. He sees me as this really confident outgoing girl and has no idea that i'm crying inside. He's seen me lose it a couple of times over the last week when i've broken down in tears but I've just said that i'm a bit run down and fed up and not given him any reason why.

I want to tell him but I just can't find the words. The other problem is that he lives with his parents and has never moved out and so has never had to fend for himself financially. I'm in my 30's and have lived on my own since I was 17 which is how i've gotten into this mess! He stays at my house about 3 times a week and i'm terrified that he'll be there when a bailiff/debt collector comes calling and then my secret will be out! It's making me incredibly nervous and on edge.

Him and his family are very close and they're a big family. I don't want to tell him because I know he would end up telling them and then they would all know which I couldn't bear! His parents can be quite difficult at times and I've had a couple of issues with them.

So what do i do? I'm beginning to think that I should break up with him just so I don't have to tell him. Keep thinking that if I was on my own I could just deal with it by myself and then I wouldn't have this problem and be on edge all the time. I even unplug the phone when he stays at my house so he doesn't answer it to someone chasing me for money!

I'm so fed up and really don't know what to do. Any advice please? Grateful to hear other people's thoughts.

Thank you!

Hi www,

I know where you're comin from here....

I've been married for 10 years and recently telling my wife about my debt (£31500), was the best thing i've done for a good while now.

We are separated - (though not wholly due to the debts, my lack of financial help in the household was a problem) - and admitting to her how much I owed was such a burden off my mind. I've been bothered about telling her for years.

After an initial period of 'christ how could you be so stupid', she's actually been very helpful and supportive in looking for a solution. She really appreciated my honesty.

An upshot of my confession is that we are getting on much better now - we might even sort out our relationship.

If you love him, tell him. He might be able to help.

If he loves you, he'll respect your desire to keep this quiet.

I suppose its easy for me to say this - telling mrs phx has kind of worked out for me... others might not be so lucky.

If this secret is affecting your relationship so badly - make it 'not a secret' anymore....

Hope your choice is the right one

Good luck

WestWalesWannabee

Am now sitting at my desk nearly in tears which is really not helpful in an open plan office environment!

Was just thinking 'fortheloveofmoney' if you don't want him to pay off your debts, maybe he could pay off mine! ha ha...!

Boyfriend is also very broke at the moment but is only in a total of £700 in debt. The difference between us is that when I'm broke I can't afford to put petrol in the car or buy food but he never has to worry about that as parents feed him and he doesn't have a car.

The only thing I think might help me in telling him is that he hates banks. Think they are robbing scum and don't help only hinder. He's forever saying that he hates money as so much happiness and sadness revolves around it. That you can't live without it. He has a friend who is in pretty much the same amount of debt as me but that was through a failed business venture so how can I explain to him that mine is just through my own stupidity and not because i tried and failed at something in business! Its an easy comparison to make.

Fortheloveofmoney

WestWalesWannabee wrote: »

Was just thinking 'fortheloveofmoney' if you don't want him to pay off your debts, maybe he could pay off mine! ha ha...!

Ah you don't really want this....you'll miss out on all the "fun" of paying it back yourself

Seriously, I know your head must be all over the place at the mo but believe me when I say there IS light at the end of the tunnel.

When you're ready, put together your statement of affairs and work out exactly where you stand. You don't have to post it on here if you don't want to (I never have) but doing it for yourself is a real eye opener.

Paying back the debt gives me a great sense of achievement even though I'm still embarrassed about being here in the first place. If that makes sense.

phxleo

WestWalesWannabee wrote: »

Do/did any of you think that if you told someone about your debt that they could throw it back in your face and upset you in an argument? If it's something that you feel emotional about, it's an easy tool to use to hurt you.

If people are gonna be vindictive - they will be.... if its not this, it'd be something else.

WestWalesWannabee wrote: »

I always feel that if I don't tell people my demons they've got less ammunition against me.

But you are facing these demons head on - and are determined to work through your problems - take a pride in that knowledge. Ammunition is useless once spent

WestWalesWannabee wrote: »

I'm forever trying to cope on my own but somedays it's just too darn difficult.

Sharing a problem is often the best thing to do - two heads better than one and all that.
Working single handedly through a problem can be demoralising and lonely.

WestWalesWannabee wrote: »

There have been times when i've been on the verge of telling him and the words are sticking in my throat. Just can't get them to reach my mouth! He knows something is wrong and i've told him that i'm not ready to tell him yet. I think he feels a bit let down because he had an issue that was bothering him and yet he told me after about 2 months together.

Problems are relative... perception is everything. You can browse this forum and see people panicking over £5000 worth of debt (and I'm not belittling anyones problems here...), to you or me, thats peanuts!

But to them, its a real life-changing issue. Just as much as our problems are life changing to us.

No one has the right to say 'what ARE you worrying about', or 'Pah, my problems are far worse than yours'...

That first 'I need to tell you something important' is the hardest part.

You'll get there. Then things wont seem as bad.
x

phxleo

WestWalesWannabee wrote: »

The only thing I think might help me in telling him is that he hates banks. Think they are robbing scum and don't help only hinder. He's forever saying that he hates money as so much happiness and sadness revolves around it. That you can't live without it. He has a friend who is in pretty much the same amount of debt as me but that was through a failed business venture so how can I explain to him that mine is just through my own stupidity and not because i tried and failed at something in business! Its an easy comparison to make.

This is kind of how I approached telling mrs phx....

My own stupidity got me into trouble, but extortionate interest rates have made it into a crisis.

maybe try that tactic. It might generate a little sympathy and a lot of 'bank directed anger' lol.

mumoftwins

WestWalesWannabee wrote: »

Unfortunately am in work today and so have this minimised on my screen..

Could do with being at home today too as feeling quite down today and all you nice people are making me feel like crying with your advice. Thank you!

Oh WWW, don't cry - we're all here to help you. Make sure that you keep in touch regularly and don't hide your feelings, we can help and support you through all this.

Only you know what is the right thing to do, personally I would tell your b/f you may have to explain quite how you got in this situation as if he has never been a homeowner he may have no understanding of how hard it can be.

Good luck and it will work out right especially with help from these fabulous people on here :A