In a dilemma... What shall I do?

WestWalesWannabee

Hi Everyone. New here and could really do with some advice.

To give you some background, i'm about £30k in debt and have been for some time now. I've defaulted on agreements, got a CCJ and have got creditors chasing me left right and centre. I'm trying to get it sorted without the ade of someone like Payplan but it's taking some time and it's not easy!

Anyway. I've been with my boyfriend now for about 8 months and I live on my own. He knows i'm in debt but he has no idea for how much and am guessing would be mortified if i told him. I just can't bring myself to tell him! I'm so ashamed and would hate to think he would look at me in a different light. He sees me as this really confident outgoing girl and has no idea that i'm crying inside. He's seen me lose it a couple of times over the last week when i've broken down in tears but I've just said that i'm a bit run down and fed up and not given him any reason why.

I want to tell him but I just can't find the words. The other problem is that he lives with his parents and has never moved out and so has never had to fend for himself financially. I'm in my 30's and have lived on my own since I was 17 which is how i've gotten into this mess! He stays at my house about 3 times a week and i'm terrified that he'll be there when a bailiff/debt collector comes calling and then my secret will be out! It's making me incredibly nervous and on edge.

Him and his family are very close and they're a big family. I don't want to tell him because I know he would end up telling them and then they would all know which I couldn't bear! His parents can be quite difficult at times and I've had a couple of issues with them.

So what do i do? I'm beginning to think that I should break up with him just so I don't have to tell him. Keep thinking that if I was on my own I could just deal with it by myself and then I wouldn't have this problem and be on edge all the time. I even unplug the phone when he stays at my house so he doesn't answer it to someone chasing me for money!

I'm so fed up and really don't know what to do. Any advice please? Grateful to hear other people's thoughts.

Thank you!

Floss

:grouphug:
It's a hard one, but personally I think you'd be better telling him, if it is starting to affect your relationship. If you are honest, then at least it would be in the open & you wouldn't feel the need to worry about the phone calls or visits so much.

But what is your gut feeling? Do you want the relationship to carry on? Are you "looking" for an "excuse" to break up & deal with this on your own? It is very hard to shoulder all the worry & hassles, without someone to talk to & give you a hug...as I'm sure many DFW's will tell you, they can only do what they are doing with the full support of their OH.

Hope you find your answer,

Love Floss xx

WestWalesWannabee

Hi Floss

No i don't want to break up with him, I love him, but I don't see any other way of how this is going to pan out. If I thought he could keep it to himself then maybe i'd tell him, but I doubt he could and then i'd have a whole family of people looking down their noses at me.

thesmiddy

I think you should tell him because it's torturing you not to. Tell him that if he respects you he is to keep it to himself. I understand that you don't want to lose him, and if he loves you then you won't. I never told my parents about my debt, they would probably have helped me out but likewise, I didn't want people looking down their noses at me. He might just surprise you, if you approached the problem together it would definately make you feel more positive about things. Don't letr the debt make you any unhappier than you already are, sharing the problem will make you feel better believe me. I hope it works out for you, I know it's a hard road to go down.

kristianwilliams

Most people when they find out, dont look down their noses. They offer help, and support. You'd be suprised how understanding everyone is.

WestWalesWannabee

I honestly don't think his family would be supportive. In fact his parents are quite judgemental and because he lives with them I have to see them all the time.

This is such a huge thing to me and nobody in my life knows about it. Absolutely no-one. My parents don't know and it would kill my mum. I have no-one to talk to about this stuff.

Karmacat

Then you're doing the right thing in coming on here, but you probably also need someone to talk to face to face. I think thesmiddy, above, put it really well: "Tell him that if he respects you he is to keep it to himself". Absolutely. Keep talking on here no matter what, about anything related (or unrelated, for that matter). Turn this into your diary and put your soa on if you can. Good luck.

BWZN93

WestWalesWannabee wrote: »

I have no-one to talk to about this stuff.

You have us now. I know some people can be judgemental and its harder to talk to people who you know in real life. You can be assured though that what you say here will be understood, and plenty of virtual shoulders to cry on will be offered. We are all in this situation to one degree or another and you have absolutley nothing to be ashamed of.

Are you working today? If not, I suggest getting the biggest mug you can find and make a large cuppa tea/coffee. Then get out the paperwork and post on here what your statement of affairs is. Include your income and basic expenditure, then your debts in balance, apr, min payments, and if you have available credit left on them. There is a sticky by SouthernScouser at the top of the forum to help you create your SoA.

We can help you see where the money is being wasted and what your options are - all without having to speak to anyone on the phone. Once you have it organised and think its workable for your circumstances, you can then contact each creditor by mail with details of how you propose to pay and request that they stop calling you.

Dont worry too much - all debt problems have a solution and you will find that once its been confronted, it will be easier to talk to your real life people and deal with your relationship.

Good luck!

Jo x

WestWalesWannabee

Unfortunately am in work today and so have this minimised on my screen..

Could do with being at home today too as feeling quite down today and all you nice people are making me feel like crying with your advice. Thank you!

GeorgeUK

It's a tough one www.

Unfortunately debt is part of your life, just like your bf is part of your life. If you don't feel that you are able to tell him about it, you could try to explain that you are having "problems" with something but don't want others to know about it. As he is still living at home (like me) he may not be as aware of all the extra costs that come into day-to-day life and how easy it is to lose control.

In a relationship, there must be trust. I'm not saying that you don't trust him - but you need to start somewhere. Now may be a time to test the waters. Not with telling him all your problems, but letting him know that you need his support and don't feel you will be able to rely on his discretion. Just take it slow and hopefully he won't see it as you accusing him.

Hopefully we'll be able to sort you out with a plan to deal with the debt. As Karmacat says, just post up a statement of affairs so we can see where the money is going. You've made the first step in coming here - now you just need the motivation to keep going. Hopefully bf will be able to provide some of that.

BizzyBek

I would be very tempted to tell your boyfriend and ask him to keep it between yourselves - there's no reason his parents need to know.

You don't have to be all facts and figures but say circumstances have led you to build up some debts and you want to face them now rather than it impede on your future. Tell him you are getting good advice and support from here, are putting a plan into action and that will mean you will be budgeting and you ask for his emotional (not financial) support through that process.

If you don't tell him now you may find yourself snowballing into more finacial debt but moreso 'emotional debt'. A little fib here and there to hide the truth from him, a little spend here and there so as not to loose face when going out etc.

Why not ask him to sit down and plan all the dates and things you could do togther which are free (yes, I know that sounds a bit nudge, nudge, wink, wink!)

I'll hand over to the other posters now for some great money advice...

Well done on facing the problem though and :hugs: